Hi. This is my first time on here. I just need a place to go to let out everything.
My mom loves me. I love her. She always calls me beautiful and lately I’ve been going to her when i feel depressed. Today i overheard her telling her boyfriend that she hates me. She was talking about how i hate her (because im mean to her when shes drunk and shes ALWAYS drunk) and she started talking shit really loud. I hid under my sheets and cried so hard because i thought she loved me. Ive never felt suicidal before. Ive never wanted to kill myself before. But today, it really opened my eyes like “holy shit, nobody fucking likes me”. Im a total loser with harsh anxiety so i skip school. I have no friends, i stay in my room all the time, and the only person i ever hang around is my older brother. I told him what my mom said and he didnt care. I literally have nobody to go to with this, but this was the first time i felt like actually killing myself. I know my brothers and my dad wouls be devastated if i did, and it would give my mom another reason to go suicidal too. I dont think ill kill myself, but if i died tomorrow i wouldnt care. I realized that i have no escape from this shit life except for death.
I contacted my aunt. I told her im in a bad mental state and that i need somewhere else to stay. Shes my last resort because she has a baby and id hate to bother her, but shes the only one i know who would listen and understand. I thought I was doing good with finally opening up to my mom about shit, but now i foujd out she thinks im a total loser. Because i am. Ive ruined my own life because of the stupid disadvantages life gave me, and nobody understands. They dont get why its so hard.
Life sucks, and i just want to die. Im not afraid of death. If death takes me, i wont put up a fight. But everyone around me will be sad and i dont like the thought of that. I wont kill myself, but i dont think the longing for death will go away.
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3 comments
That sucks, no parent should ever say they hate their child. It causes a lot of psychological damage that may never heal. I hope you can remind yourself that what she says and the person she is when she’s drunk (also no excuse for a parent to go there) isn’t her real self.
I’ve posted on here a lot about how drugs & alcohol rewire a person’s mind and soul because I’ve been that far gone. Recovering alcoholic a few years and only now am I realizing how horrific I was to the people around me. I’m not saying she should ever be excused or even forgiven, but just remind yourself she’s off the deep end and none of that reflects on you. You didn’t deserve that.
They say bullet wounds can heal given enough time but wounds caused by words never heal. A basic thing for parenting yet what we see around us is parents who just don’t know when to shut tfu n can’t be bothered to watch their mouth near their kids.
But you have in you what is good about humanity if you can still summon the will to say ‘I love her’ even after hearing what she said about you. Fwiw, no judgement or disapproval from others can take that away from you.
Hope the future replaces that longing for death with a zest for life somehow.
Yeah, I know shes going through a lot right now and that leads to her drinking problem getting worse. I try my best to be there for her, and I’m always nice to her when shes sober. But me and my siblings have a trigger response when she’s drunk, so I just get so mad at her sometimes. I’m not that nice when shes drunk, and I’ve been working on that too.
I don’t forgive her for what she’s made me and my brothers go through, but I forgive her drinking. I don’t think I’ll ever understand substance abuse and why it occurs, but I can empathize and understand where she’s coming from.
Hurt people hurt people, so I dont think me and my mom will ever not butt heads. But we love eachother, I think. I know i love her.