No more pain. No more fear. No more regret, longing, shame, self-hatred or despair. Freedom. That’s the yearning that brings me back here.
It seems unlikely that would be the reality. Freedom is experienced. What I really want is to experience existence, free of all these negatives that make it seem unbearable. Whereas death seems likely to involve either the end of existence, or the end of any kind of self that I could identify with.
So death would not bring freedom. But it would likely bring an end, And that sometimes seems appealing to a delusional part of me. Because the pain seems unbearable, and intolerable. I don’t know how to get my mind around the idea of existing with it. Of living like that. And I don’t know how to stop it, or even reduce it. It just exists, as a brute fact at the centre of my life.
So the pain cannot be tolerated. Therefore it must be stopped. But it cannot be remedied. So the only remaining answer is to destroy the mind that generates it. Even though that goes against the survival instinct that lies behind the aversion to pain.
It’s a fantasy. Things will finally be ok, when I’m dead. When things will likely not be any kind of way. There won’t be any kind of substance to it, positive or negative.
Maybe if that delusion grows strong enough, it finally leads to action. Probably not though. I’m probably stuck with the pain, and the yearning, until outside events remove me from existence.
I should probably focus on making my life marginally less shitty. Rather than daydreaming of a release that will never come.