.

I do things I’m ashamed of, as a way to escape the sadness that frequently envelops me. Because nothing else works. Nothing else changes my experience in the short term. Nothing else is exciting. Nothing else feels worthwhile. Nothing else has meaning.

The things that I do are not ok. Not because they have negative impacts on anyone else. But because they involve feeding a side of me that shouldn’t exist. They involve thoughts that no one should ever have. And even as one part of me is excited and satisfied, I feel the shame rising up. And the shame becomes the reason for the sadness.

The shame is why I feel so alone, why I feel so much distance from everyone else. Why I’ve isolated myself so much. But I can’t escape it, no matter what I do. So how could I ever resist giving in long term? To experience a brief period of escape, even at the price of feeling worse afterwards.