As alluded to in my other post, it’s been a wild couple of days. Had to update treatment plan, first off, which should be non dramatic, but it isn’t because I’m low level suicidal and my treatment plan people want me not at all suicidal…. and that’s kinda too bad for them…. it aint happening when life is how it’s going right now. They always have to ask if I felt like committing in the last thirty days, and I did, somewhere in the last 30, I’m not super firm on dates but I’m relatively sure I thought about throwing myself off that bridge that recently.
Anyway so I had to explain in detail about how I went back to my self immolation plan and I didn’t have specifics on on that….. and that I had once tried to hang myself….. it’s not actually productive to keeping me FROM suicide to keep focusing me on my suicidal experiences in my opinion but I’m just the patient.
In the middle of all of that I get an invitation to interview with the job looking after autistic individuals, which is one I really want, of course I have to check my desires as I always do because an interview is not a job offer, it’s not anything but an interview, and I dare not get any kind of excited about it, but it does lift my mood, it does give me a bit of a lift, so that happened there……
Then the handyman came a day early and his estimate ended up way over anything I could afford so we didn’t get any of the work I wanted the handyman to do done. That was pretty soul crushing. Right around that time I get an invitation to interview for a second job working with the homeless to help them find jobs, again a similar lift in my mood. My wife and I decided to buy a new washing machine for our clothes and that was a pretty big mood boost, we finally picked it out today and it is coming on monday. Then we went to the grocery store and our card was declined because the interest hit and we got less help from my parents, so again another big hit to my pain points of being cash strapped and frustrated.
It’s just back and forth, something good, something frustrating, something good, something painful, and I’m so befuddled by this whole thing I’m having trouble with self care and focusing on how anything even works. It’s been a wild couple of days to say the least.
Oh anything good thing, leftover from earlier is that my wife agreed to help me get those boots I was wanting, and that’s kind of pumped some will to live, reason to be here, as in where I’m stuck anyway for another seven months or so because it takes them seven months to build the pair of boots anyway. Today I found a store that sells the pants that I like for the same price that I get them online, so that was a nice thing that now I can support a local business instead of a billionaire who is actively supporting destroying the economy. Balance of, it feels like more good than bad, I’m just so anxious about these interviews because they represent oppertunities I want to go so well.
They are both populations I want to spend more time with, and the pay is good, potentially better than I was making before. If any of that works like I think, it might prove that things happen for a reason, that maybe I was supposed to leave that last job, maybe better things were waiting. The state really didn’t have anything for me to move into that was better.
I have to be careful with my emotions though, not get over excited, because things have fallen through before, it isn’t a thing until it is a thing. I’m so sick of waiting for something to be a thing though, we’re overdue for something to work out on my side of things.