I don’t think I’ll ever feel close to another human being again. And I didn’t realise I needed that until it was far, far too late.
Even if I’m physically intimate with someone, I’ll always be aware in the back of my mind that if they knew the truth about me, they’d be repulsed. So I don’t think I’ll ever have those feelings of connection, trust, comfort or safety. I’ll always feel somewhat on edge. Distanced, disconnected, monitoring the situation for signs of threat. I will always be alone.
It’s this void inside that I can’t fill. Of course I have addictive behaviours. I’m constantly desperately looking for anything to make it go away. Maybe if I eat enough sugary crap, it’ll stop the feeling for a while. It’s dumb, but nothing else works.
Is it bad enough to justify suicide? I don’t know. I’ve lived with it so long that I’m used to it, but it is getting worse over time, as whatever false hope I had slowly drains away.
There’s things I fear more – prison, violence, physical agony, disability.
So maybe it makes sense to go on enduring it. Or to try to somehow come to terms with being this alone. Maybe there are ways to reshape the human mind, so it no longer craves connection, company, intimacy or acceptance.
4 comments
idk the answers man, but I’m on the same path.
“Is it bad enough to justify suicide?”
That’s the philosophical question I’ve been wrestling with, and it doesn’t help that it’s an emotional one too. I think it’s logical to say that if you’re enjoying life, or finding some satisfaction, then that’s enough to justify living. No delusions required of being connected, serving humanity or having a purpose.
But the problem is if you’re not enjoying yourself, or worse, if every day is pain, then if you’re completely alone and your presence doesn’t impact anyone then why not just snuff it? That’s the question on my mind 24/7.
I think the latter case is what leads people to search for connections, to give them a reason to live in the absence of personal satisfaction. That’s what leads people to band together, make friends, cling to each other like survivors huddling on a lifeboat. Hell it seems to work for most of 8 billion people. Society.
But if you’re not cut out for that, or like you said, if you know society will judge & shun you the minute they know the truth (as it always does) then you’re doubly fucked. No satisfaction, no safety net. Just freefall into the abyss. Yay.
Which returns us to the original plan. Enjoy yourself. Any way you can. There’s a Baudelaire poem called “Be Drunken” which is about just that. It sounds sarcastic but it’s actually kind of inspiring, some days.
I kind of disagree with your emphasis. I think people search for connection because it’s an inherent emotional need, not because of absence of personal satisfaction. Or that the lack of connection leads to that absence of personal satisfaction.
From my experience, without other people, any pleasure or satisfaction you indulge in starts to feel empty and meaningless. Like what’s the point. Whereas when I did feel some level of connection and social acceptance, I could find much more mundane activities meaningful. I think other people give a necessary context to your actions, without which it’s hard for the brain to motivate itself.
I’m enjoying myself less and less every year I live like this. Hedonism just doesn’t work long term. And I’m trying. Desperately. Repeatedly doing the things my memory stubbornly insists will feel good. And sometimes, I get an hour or two of feeling up. But mostly, nothing comes close to drowning out the pain. It’s like trying to cover a gaping wound with a sticking plaster. I’ve spent years trying to cover up the feeling, and it’s just got worse and worse.
I don’t think you can delude yourself long-term. If a part of you knows that what you’re doing is empty and hollow, it will start to feel that way. Which doesn’t mean you’ll stop, because maybe that’s all you’ve got to cling to. But you can’t “be always drunk”. Or rather, you can… but the misery will find its way through whatever substance or behaviour you try to drown it in.
I might be coming around to your way of thinking, that is that maybe figuring out how to give up is the better way. Of course in my personal life it is the other way, and that’s fine Friends and family care for me, but that doesn’t pay for everything.
However, this coldness towards my career is growing, this hatred and lack of any will to correct it. Maybe it’s just something I must learn to do without. I know, six months in is like yesterday in time after as long as I’ve gone through before. I’m just, profoundly done with this whole song and dance. It was two years before the last thing I did for 9 months…. 9 months was how long the relief lasted and that’s P_A_T_H_E_T_I_C for the effort I put in.
I’ve spent more time alone and unwanted than validated and useful. It’s not like people don’t like me. It’s not like I lack skills or experience. It’s not like I’m stupid. There is no valid reason at all that anyone has been able to tell me as to why it is this way.
Just a lousy economy, my expectations being too high, and possibly me being right about being on some kind of black list. I’m not submissive enough for these jerks. To which I say they can suck it. They want people who think unionizing would cause them to lose their jobs, which is a flat out lie. That’s the reason there aren’t good jobs, because we don’t have unions.
The problem is the only places there are unions are in heavy labor and the only heavy labor I am capable is in jobs that don’t have unions. I applied for a moving job, which I think is teamsters, we don’t have teamsters around here. We have electricians and plumbers those are the two I know for sure exist everywhere.
I feel like I was born in the wrong century, because I really want to have been born when the working class was rising up to do something about their situation, not rolling over to take it up the ass. Like turn of the century 19th century, great time to be working class because they started getting rights right about then, bad time to be in the upper class because you’d lose your head.
It’s torture having people around but being isolated from them.
I think if you can let go of the expectations around status and achievement that get wrapped up with career, that’s probably desirable. But obviously, everyone still has to pay for living expenses somehow. Would I love a career that made of of my unique strengths and capabilities? Sure. But I’d settle for one that pays the bills without imposing undue stress on my my body and mind.
It is indeed tortuous to be surrounded by people yet feel isolated from them.