Memory

Been a minute since I’ve wrote. I have had other ways I’ve been dealing with my issues lately. Really grateful for them. But it’s still a good way to catalogue my thoughts at different points in my life. I’m graduating after all. Defense committee approved my thesis. Felt like it was a gimme. I’ll always feel that way about whatever I do. Can think of a million things I did wrong and a handful of things I did right. Very typical of me. All that’s left is to submit the documentation and it’s done. Still need to write the conference letter like I promised. Need one more recommendation letter for my PhD application. Need to find an apartment if I do manage to weasel my way into the program. Parents didn’t take it too well that I intended to stay. Made me doubt what I’m doing. Already had more than enough doubt as is. Should feel ok but I’m not quite there. Don’t feel terrible. Don’t even feel really bad. But don’t feel ok. Uncertain is probably the best word for it. But I’m always uncertain.

Thought about her again. The only time I ever think of her now is when I think of how long it’s been since I’ve thought about her. The feelings aren’t there anymore. Just sadness and dread. I’m unsure if I’d ever like to see her again. I’d like to think I wouldn’t care, but I’m sure that’s not the real reaction I’d have. For the longest time I lamented that she probably forgot I even existed. Now I’m at a point in my life were I forget to remember her at all. But she’s still clearly on my mind. Just not in the same exact way she used to be. I can’t remember any of the nice feelings she gave me. Only the bad. But it was mainly my fault for being as obsessed as I was. If I just pushed past it I could’ve fixed myself sooner. I wonder if I’ll ever think of the Princess Jellyfish ending song without feeling sad.