My Sexuality Scares Me

I use to hang out on this site a lot a long time ago. I was once suicidal, longing to die, but then I got help and received disability benefits. My life has been better. The best way to describe my depression is that I’ve learned to manage the symptoms, but it’s not gone. It’s easier for me to post here. I hope to God that the people in my life don’t find this post. This is going to be a doozy.

Anyway, I believe that I am asexual. I’ve done the research because I knew that something wasn’t right. It’s normal for people to deny that asexuality is real. First, abstinence is very easy for me, and second I realize that I don’t look at real people and feel the urge to do with them.

As a kid, I’ve always had some fascination with male cartoon characters. I remember running the end credits trying to kiss the characters. Fictosexual is on the asexual spectrum, I guess as long as you don’t feel attraction to real people. I identify as fictosexual, however I remember posting on a reddit post about my weird sexuality and the comments said that I could be aegosexual.

Asexual people can have sexual urges because asexuality like all sexualities is a spectrum. Aegosexual can have normal to intense sexual fantasies, but they don’t reach out or have any interest in actually getting sex. I also read that aegos can experience sexual attraction. I don’t resonate with that. Aegosexuality is like a disconnection between the urges and the body.

We are now getting the freaky part of my sexuality. I hang out on Deviant art because I like to draw and the people actually accept me there. Deviant art has wonderful art, but it has a dark side. The dark side are those scary fetishes.

I remember looking at art on DA,and would accidentally stumble upon body expansion with the inflation, weight gain, ect. I mean accidentally like I was searching for Final Fantasy and Kingdom Hearts and that showed up. Out of nowhere, in my early twenties I developed a kink for it. I remember one of the artist telling me that when people get aroused certain body parts swell up, and that body expansion was an exaggeration of this.

After the body expansion, I get weird fantasies and I think hand drawn porn is causing this. Not all of them involve body expansion. I think that I like it because it is so fantasy base.
My sexuality seems to be all over at the place, losing interest in one thing, moving on to another, and then picking it back up again.

I would look at other DA fetish art and feel horrified or be weirded out. I can’t look at it anymore because like a disease it’s rubbing off on me. I think it messes with my mind. As I got older, I started to enjoy flattening and then other weird things followed. Maybe this stuff scared me and my mind is trying to cope with it. Another user said that Body expansion was a gateway for this stuff. He only liked breast expansion, then it went to belly expansion. I think because some art had both,or the search engine showed both, and his mind lumped it together.

My sexuality is pretty much DA, though I’m not into everything on it. I don’t want to harm anyone, or have my way with animals and children, so that’s good. I could share the other weird things that I’m sexually into, but I’m too nervous too. I feel so ashamed. I love DA and can actually have friends. Almost no one liked me on Facebook. Why do I have this weird sexuality that is almost non-existent and be all over the place? Maybe it’s better that my sexual urges and body remain disconnected. I should repressed all my urges. At least, I got to rant about it. I would be surprised, if you all read this whole long ass essay. I’m done. Good night to all!!