I feel tearful this morning. I think in my head, “Im disgusting. Im a failure. Nobody likes me. I fucked myself. I ruined my life.” And while I feel these things and think these things, I also experienced THE thought: “Everything is ruined anyway, maybe I shoukd just kill myself.”
But, no. Im not gonna do that.
Ay.
On the flip side of things, Ive invested in a bicycle and have some money saved up to coverup one of my shitty tattoos. Working out and getting those coverups will improve my outward appearance, and maybe, even if ever so slightly, my life will be a little better.
I have to keep going somehow.
3 comments
I think you’re on the right path bruh. When all else falls apart, we can (usually) still control our appearance and fitness, and I think that provides a nice foundation for further improvement.
It’s kinda like surviving in a jungle… before you go exploring and cutting new paths you gotta secure your campsite!
In all my self destructive depression, with all the ways I’ve sabotaged my career, finances & relationships, I somehow managed to keep a baseline of exercise and healthy eating. Even though I’d still need a major overhaul before presenting myself in polite society, the possibility’s still there because I haven’t fallen so far that I can’t fix myself. Maybe that counts as having hope?
So go for it dude, I envy you having a bike that works. If there were any roads here besides the winding deathtrap I live on, I might be inspired to follow your lead. Nothing compares to self powered velocity!
It’s incredibly hard when you’re feeling discouraged to keep moving forward, and if you can’t move forward some days the best you can do is not slide backwards. If you keep moving forward though, and keep a net gain going week after week, month after month, progress adds up.
I’m riding a high, granted. Six months of trudging paid off. I’m definitely going to net a few hundred bucks out of this experience, enough to pay for a few things. God willing (irony abounds me using that phrase), it’ll last and I’ll be able to ride this all the way to my ultimate goal of hitching a ride out of this state.
Those intermediate goals are important though. That tattoo coverup sounds like a good intermediate goal. Getting out on the bike is going to be a big mood booster, as well as helping you with mobility and getting in shape. Hopefully you find some good bike trails to explore, the green space is known to be a great way to fight depression.
Heck, you might be able to find a group to ride with, since you said you wanted to find ways to connect with people.
Personally I like to ride my bike in the park near people, but not with them. It feels connected, but I can just watch the people playing their frisbee golf or whatever they are doing as I ride the trails.
We’ve got these trails that go over old railway lines that are really beautiful for isolation and natural beauty also, I don’t know if that’s a that’s a thing anywhere else.
I don’t know you but I’m so proud of you trying to pull through. Bicycle-riding is fun! Get that blood pumping and go get excited. If it doesn’t, I’ve heard that getting physical always help. Good luck.