I’m so lost. I have this constant longing for connection, but I don’t feel capable. I’ve turned myself into someone I can’t let anybody else see. Who I can never be honest about.
So if I rule out any kind of connection or meaningful relationship with others… what do I do with that longing? How do I live with it without being self-destructive and addicted and constantly thinking about death? How do I deal with being that alone?
How do I accept this existence I’ve made for myself? Because what can’t be changed must be accepted. But I don’t know how. How to find meaning in a world with no people and no connection. I don’t know how to be this isolated creature, without being consumed by this constant inner scream. The sadness just leaks out of me.
And I don’t want my parents to have to deal with my death. But I’m so sick of this empty life.
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Is it an option to consort with others as sick as yourself? As I often remind myself, a situation is rarely unique. The shame would come from people who have room to judge, IE that have some moral highground, but people equally sick wouldn’t have that would they?
If you want to neuter yourself the desire for companionship you’d have to seek out trauma, which is what I’ve been doing to try and kill my empathy for all these years and it hasn’t been working. In theory severe enough trauma is supposed to blow out the parts of the brain that desire human touch, and even the desire for love.
Not really. Such people are usually caught up in validating their sickness. Or busy keeping their heads down. Finding someone who’s in the same spot as me seems unlikely. I’ve sort of tried in the past, but it never leads to anything.
Seeking out trauma in an attempt to kill desire sounds kind of nuts (no offence.) I’m not surprised it hasn’t worked out for you. I think I’ll either have to figure out some kind of resolution or better coping mechanism, or just kill myself.
I don’t see how validation or keeping your head down would be contrary to your goals necessarily, IE yes they can be done to excess, but as tools go, they are effective towards coping with being a deviant personality. So long as they don’t go on to rationalize undesireable maladaptive behavior, they’d be fine.
The rationale of trauma as a desensitizer, or any desensitizing effect is the same as cauterizing any wound; to stop the bleeding. I started out so kind hearted, so idealistic and willing to help people with any sob story, and thanks to trauma and the knowledge of how dark the world actually is I’m far less credulous now, so in that regard mission accomplished.
There is nothing like trauma, especially secondhand trauma for which there is no sympathy or relief. Processing it helps emotional intelligence, which helps everything else, that is my experience. It’s work, to find, and to sort through to get to stuff that actually resonates with your personal sensibilities. Once you find the good stuff though, if you can assure a steady stream, it is worth the effort.
Unluckily, I have yet to have such an experience. It’s a finite resource, hard won. Theoretical only, but it seems in a world as unpleasant in such exceeding amounts as ours that it is a matter of effort yet to find, not that such a thing is unfindable.
By validating I very much meant rationalising undesirable behaviour. And those who’re keeping their heads down are next to impossible to contact. So there’s not really much scope for community there.
I’ve never heard anyone recommend trauma as a way to improve anything. You do you, by all means, but I’d consider the possibility that your own view on reality is somewhat askew.
I’m afraid I don’t have any encouraging thoughts to offer. Just commiseration. But I agree that even commiseration is worthless; “it never leads to anything.”
In this situation the only hope seems to be finding someone who is your polar opposite, someone who can fill in the empty spaces. But again, as you said, we tend to make ourselves incapable of connections. There’s such a thick, barbed shell around us that no one in their right mind would dare embrace.
…leading us back to isolation and how to accept it. I don’t think it can be accepted (unless you want to be alone). We’ll always crave someone who can validate our existence by seeing us. Without that we’re invisible. Screaming out our pain to no one.
Drugs, my friend. That’s the only thing that ever helped me. Sure, it’s fleeting and the long term damage could be hell. But it’s either that or kill myself.
Bottom line, I don’t think the unacceptable can ever be accepted, no matter how hard you force yourself. The best we can do is distract ourselves somehow. Jam our brains so we don’t notice the infinite hopelessness.
I’m not sure what someone who could “fill in my empty spaces” would look like for me. I can’t imagine such a person. But yes, even if such a person existed, they’d never get through my shell.
With drugs, I suppose I’m looking for a coping mechanism that makes me more functional, rather than less. I’m already failing to meet my obligations to my family. I guess it depends on the drug, but opioids never appear to lead to anything good.
I don’t think I can distract myself anymore. I’ve been doing it for 17 years now, and the underlying despair just builds and builds.
It’s a dumb cliché we see in the movies, but I kinda believe it… a manic pixie could provide the counterbalance to someone who’s consumed by despair. I don’t just mean a happy person but someone whose love of life is infectious. Someone like that could wrestle you back from the edge. At least for a little while. Ever dated a manic pixie? I did, and while it lasted my demons were kept at bay. Of course the demons eventually came out with a vengeance and destroyed the relationship. But I guess my point is, for a short while I was a better person.
idk ultimately our core personality will assert itself. And whether we’re trying to fool ourselves with a relationship, a therapist, or drugs, there’s no running from yourself.
I used to subconsciously assume that would work for me too. If I’d met someone like that before I went too far, maybe it would’ve. But now, if I meet someone, all I think is “If you knew who I really am, and what I’ve done, you would turn away in disgust.” And I can’t get involved with someone with that in my head.
It’s like I can’t let anyone get close, because I can’t take the guilt of deceiving them. And I know I can’t be honest. There’ve been women who kind of fit the “manic pixie” mould a little, who’ve clearly been interested in me, but I couldn’t pursue anything. Because I don’t want to mess up anyone else’s life.
I like that line from heartlessviking above namely “a situation is rarely unique”. You can’t be the only one wrestling with your predicament, whatever that may be, it’s one of the great mysteries of this site but I respect your right to remain silent. For me there’s something about this site that I can disclose anything.
Not saying I’m the only one wrestling with it exactly… but in my particular way, dealing with the specific emotional issues I have… I just don’t see it articulated anywhere.
Probably because it is so shameful, that even admitting it to yourself is hard. And then to put it out there and face the rejection of others… I get why no one talks about it.
There’s probably significant numbers of people who’ve done what I’ve done. Of them, probably a minority have the kind of enduring shame over it that I do. But I don’t see them talking about it anywhere. Probably for the same reason that I’m not honest about it here.
I recommend turning that energy in on yourself. Connect with yourself. Invest time in some goals. Exercize more, eat better, learn something. As you continue along those lines, you will inevitably improve, and your chances for connecting with others therefore improves with it.
I encourage you NOT to discard connection entirely. I acknowledge it may be difficult.
Maybe what we need is Facebook without the faces. An annonymous social media platform.
That’s not bad advice. It’s just incredibly hard, when you’re completely alone, when you wake up alone and go to bed alone, day after day. It’s hard to focus energy & motivation you don’t have, on goals that seem kind of pointless. I feel exhausted and sad all the time. I could workout. I should workout. But I know I will still be just as alone afterwards if I do.
My take is that most people are too busy with their own lives to give a fuck about you and yours.
You can either wait for them to do so, or you can decide you’re tired of being lonely and foist your imperfect self on them.
It might turn out that people don’t find you as intolerable as you imagine.