Doing my best to remain positive today.
This is my special place, although it doesnt belong to me. When I feel as if my life is falling apart, I take solace in the forest. It costs me nothing but the will to walk there.
Today, Im going to go to AA for the first time in over a decade. Im going to clean my apartment and walk outside for as long as the rain holds out on me.
I have doubts about my future and even doubts about my current circumstances. Theres a lot wrong in my life. Im a felon so getting a job is difficult. I dont know if it will matter that I get a degree in Spanish, but its one of the only viable options I have for education as a felon (and I happen to genuinely have a passion for it). I dont want to die without trying. I dont have people I hang out with.
But I have these small areas I can improve upon, and these tiny slices of heaven to still enjoy. And for this Im grateful.
6 comments
That’s very good, a passion, quitting alcohol and working on it, enjoying nature.. doesn’t really matter if you have problems, gotta focus on what you have and the opportunities that lays ahead. Some people don’t even have any opportunities.
I should go to AA too. Funny enough, last night I decided to try and stop drinking entirely in one go, cause the decreasing consumption calendar doesn’t do it for me. There is some risk to it but, still. I don’t have any criminal record but, I’ve driven under the influence many times, some times I couldn’t even see strait (two separate images), which is badly intoxicated. Only damaged a mag on that episode, in mcdonald drive-through. On another episode, lost control in a highway on-ramp (going too fast) and flatten a road sign.. cost 8.5k$ to repair the front bumper and a few things underneath. There is no doubt in my mind I should have a record but, was just lucky. I really should stop before I kill somebody and spend the rest of my life in prison, hating myself 10x for ending an innocent life.
The picture really says a lot, a crossroad ahead, either continue with the same habits, or do something to change and make the most of it. I really think you are on the right path dude.
Thanks man, I appreciate that 🙂
AA isnt as bad or as boring as I thought it would be (and Im still sober! Seems to be working). I hope you havent gotten to detox levels, but if you have, Id def address that first.
You are right, though. Maybe I just need to appreciate the opportunities ahead of me and take them. Spent too long throwing my opportunities away.
Real place^ above, btw. Been there often. Its my favorite stetch of the hike, right along the river.
If you can be sober, not all is lost my friend. You should be proud of it, no matter for how long. Alcohol destroys one life, it’s a depressant and destroy the brain and body, further making life miserable down the line. If you can fight it, even for a day, I’d say it’s a big win, and you got more into you than you think you have.
It killed my dad, made my mom into a shell of a human being, even if she wasn’t much to begin with. Ruined my life. It’s evil af, and it’s legal. Shouldn’t be, just like tobacco. But hey, government sure like the taxes it generates, in the short run.
I’d say you have a lot more to look forward to than you think. Work is just work, stresses people out to find one but, it shouldn’t. Just figure out what the market needs, learn a trade or try several ideas (that spanish thing seems like a good idea) for a small business until you find something that works. The market will hire or buy competence, quality, value, hard work and honesty, doesn’t matter where you’re coming from.
I was unemployed for 3 years, I was absolutely going to blow my head off with the debts, about to be homeless, but applied to a few random jobs cause of a social worker, got into large format printer service, paid ok for 2 years then got hired by the big boys (largest printers in the world) and made bank for 4.5 years. Ain’t that hard but, anxiety makes it hard. I get it. I have the same thing going inside my head as everybody else, even more so but, it still shouldn’t make sense.
You gotta try to find something without getting affected by rejection. I guess it’s the same as dating. Businesses are different, have different needs, and the economy grows and shrinks. It ain’t an emotional thing nor a personal thing but, we all make it so. Me first.
I wish you the best my friend, I can see a lot of good coming your way.
Im sorry to hear about how alcohol has affected your life, but also grateful that you were open enough to share it. I agree with you–it really is evil.
Dating is actually a really good analogy. It puts things into perspective. For all I know youre right, and the market will care more about my skills than my past. Im not very social (which is slowly changing) so I suppose I wouldnt know well about these things.
Thank you again
Hey there, it’s good to see you around here. Glad to see your making a path forward for yourself.
Alcohol is trash man.
I stayed away from it for the longest time, only really started drinking the past few years.
Had those stupid drunk moments later in life, but still had em.. I’m not at the point where I need it or anything like that, but more and more often I’m finding myself seeking it out. To take the edge off of work and stuff.
I stress a lot about money and being able to afford shit, and I pass a lot of bars but deny myself the ability to drink.
I don’t like alcohol much, even now. I think I drink it to try to loosen up, try not to stress as much.
I’m hoping for the best from you if anything.
It all depends on the AA meeting and who you connect with there. I assume since you are in a huge metro area there are tons of meetings you could go to. At least that was how it was with my recovery group of choice back when I tried, it was Celebrate Recovery and I have mixed feelings about it, even now.
AA has a longer time going, better track record. Still, I know people who have gone and not recovered, my grandpa and father in law (though we don’t even call him that anymore, he’s pretty much excommunicated from the family at this point, and grandpa is dead). I’ve known my share of alcoholics. There’s no doubt I have the genetic predisposition, but it’s just towards addiction, it doesn’t matter, alcohol, THC, speed, opiods, anything if I really was careless, it could happen.
On the other hand, 25 years of behavioral conditioning, so the closest I ever got was with THC, well and the socially acceptable caffiene and nicotine. As well as the behavioral meds, but no one counts those. Then again, proof positive in my mind not addicted to THC is that I quit for two month on the incentive of getting a job and would have stayed off until I shook the state or got a job that allowed me to indulge, one or the other.
If incentives stop working, if consequences stop working, that is when you are deep in addiction. When people drop out of your life and you don’t care because the substance is that good, you’ve got a serious problem and you might not be able to climb back out without some serious help. That’s when I’d go to rehab, if such a thing had ever happened to me.
I’m not there yet. I might be someday, it’s a dark and hungry world and I don’t put much stock in getting to where I need to be without the assistance of a lot of mind altering substances, which might eat away on my resolve to remain in control of my consumption. I can’t spend like I used to, and the progress getting out of this rat trap state is very slow.