Nothing has changed. Nothing has changed since I first made this account when I was a suicidal 14-year-old. In fact, they’ve gotten worse. Now I’m lonely, socially awkward, and I have a shitty home life.
I go to school to be lonely and I come home to get yelled at by a blisteringly angry BPD mother because she had a bad day at work. I don’t have anywhere to escape. I don’t have friends so I have no where to stay. I have no family so I have no where to stay. My only escape is death but I can never get myself to go through with it. Just tonight I had the noose around my neck so many times, but every time I sit down and try to let it take me I just can’t. I give up every time.
It’s midnight now and I just got off a phone call with my mother where she berated me for over an hour. I have no one.
8 comments
So, if my guess is correct, you are around 17 now? How about trying to find work and moving out? Is that something that could be done?
I had a bad mother, maybe not as bad as yours but, I regret I didn’t move out earlier tbh. I moved at around age 30, so, that’s very late. My dad died when I was 18, should’ve moved out at 19 or 20 max. Had a career job at 20 too.
Some parents aren’t meant to have childs. Mine probably got me for her own benefits all along. Don’t think that is what I’d expect if I ever had one tbh, it would be all about the child, and not my own needs. Anyway.
Hope you can get better
Getting a job is still far off for me unfortunately. My mother won’t allow me to get a license until it’s absolutely necessary (me going to college) as she doesn’t want her insurance going up. Even then, saving up enough to move out will take a while. I’m stuck with her until then.
Almost any other exit is a better exit than cutting off your life. I didn’t realize until someone else commented that you are 17, and at 17 feeling as bleak as you do I can understand. Yet a lot can change over the next 8 years simply due to the passage of time.
As in; if you ran away and got into a shelter for people escaping abuse, as meager as that is as an option, you’d be fed and have a place to sleep. You could figure out making a life from there.
If life is so bad that you’ve reached the point you want to end it, it’s time to take the next available option to change. I’m not saying what I haven’t done, listen;
I had this job that was so bad one day I went out on lunch and started driving, I was going out to the woods to kill myself. I saw a billboard and called the suicide hotline on my bluetooth and they talked me into quitting my job. Turns out it was the better choice.
I’m saying; as bad as many other things are, they aren’t worse than being dead. When you get that low, death gets a whole lot more accessable anyway.
Don’t die for some asshole who doesn’t deserve you giving their life for them. Get out, get to safety. There are better options out there, especially for someone who is just starting out life.
Geez I’m middle aged and used up and people still bend over backwards saving me. You know what they’d do for you? Jumping jacks and fireworks level of effort to keep you safe, they do so much work to help you reach safety, all you have to do is ask.
Maybe applying to some colleges then is the ticket out. They have dorms you can stay in, plus you get to get an education, which will allow you to have a much better life.
Its okay if you dont know what you want to do–thats what the advising office is for! There are people whose job it is to specifically help you figure that out!
I recommend looking into college. It is daunting and scary for some, but ive been down that other path and trust me, life is a lot worse if you dont apply to college.
If you need help and your parents wont do it, maybe your high school councilor can help.
Good luck to you! Im sorry you feel so down and have to live with adverse homelife circumstances.
Go for walks and get out of the house a little more.
Death by hanging is actually very difficult to pull off successfully, just fyi. Most ppl f* up their neck/throat/esophagus. So it’s just as well you haven’t actually tried/attempted.
Yeah, I second the others- your only ticket seems to be going off to college. Well you could get a 2yr apprenticeship or certification in something if you’re not into a 4yr college loaded with debt.
FWIW (this isn’t related to depression or suicide), but at least you write in full sentences and use proper punctuations like periods, unlike most Gen Z’ers.
I at least appreciate that.