I want to thank myself for my particular strategy that seems to keep being the incentive the world seems to need to react in a certain way. Not that I’m not thankful for it. Not that I have regrets, just that the connection just occured to me and I felt the desire to share about it, because it could be simple random circumstance.
You know what I was getting ready to do, as these two interview offers followed by a very quick job offer? I was preparing to apply for jobs for the next three or four years. I was settling in for an endless pointless useless quest. I was going to go back to school and eventually change target a few times, probably do some contract work in the mean time, but I expected for it never to be easy, and that I was going to endure hardship every step of the way.
Play your part, the world says and if I ever divert, that is when I get in trouble. I must indulge in my paranoid and cynical preparations, it would seem. I was assessing my media library, trying to focus my attention such that I would consume en masse again! See, work actually agrivates my ADHD, it dilutes my focus and keeps me in the here and now and away from large long term projects.
If I ever sit still long enough I’m going to work towards a novel, or even a series of novels, work towards my great artwork, whatever it is to be. I’d try and create sellable work along the way, but consuming lots of media is part of that process. You can’t be a great artist without art appreciation is my ethic as an artist.
Anyway, we’ll see if this day job cultivates or diverts my creativity. A lifetime of looking for a job that cultivates, I’ve had two so far in my career, both of them the company imploded on me. I mean I have career goals as well, but I like to work on my own projects, you can’t keep all your eggs in one basket, especially regarding self esteem.
The problem has been that all my projects have been on hold or delay because of the huge effect of the financial stranglehold.
I’m hoping this will provide some relief.
It just cracks me up, I had invested some of my tax return in replacing my mouse and upgrading some software to make things a bit easier around here. I was going to have easier access to some stuff. A few new tools to use.
Now I will be working, less downtime to need those things. It’s the whole cynic thing and anti anxiety thing I used to do to help me with terror; what is the thing you are afraid of, and can it be prepared for? Then I usually do if I think the anxiety can’t be pushed out another way. I had a tough one earlier though, I emailed my HR contact because the company manuel wasn’t clear on THC policy and my paranoia was telling me I would get fired for asking…. and that was a hard thing to talk down. I kept trying to tell myself the worst they could say was it wasn’t allowed even with a medical card, that’s been the standard answer from a lot of companies around here, which is why I haven’t had it in awhile because those companies drug test on hire. Yes, they own you retroactive 30 days before they hire you, it’s draconian as hell. Be glad it’s a UI and not a hair test, because then they would own you as long as you’ve been growing your longest hair, which for me would be back to 2019.
Anyway the story ends that it is allowed and great relief was felt in all the land. I did prepare to lose my job because I’m crazy like that and I would have had a full breakdown, and now the backlash feels really strange since I did have some THC to take the edge off. Side story;
Upon regaining my freedom, which is how that feels I immediately had to re-establish boundaries around my use. I had gotten to near addict level use at the end of my employment at my ex job. It’s why I lost the job. I used on property while on a break. While I think there were justifiable circumstances given I was doing light computer work that day, I had done it while seeing clients. I didn’t like being that person. It felt like being a loser. I knew how it looked.
So when I got high again for the first time in a month, when I hit the paranoia phase of the high I realized I had atonement to make. Getting high is kind of how I pray, singing songs and connecting with parts of my brain that lay long dormant. I know how to light them up because music is like scent memory, especially combined with THC. Which is why it is such a dangerous drug for me; If you could dissociate into any of your best collected memories at a drop, wouldn’t you?
Which is why I’m promising myself to do better. I can rationalize anything, it’s what makes me good at what I do, so my resolve has to be complete or else I will damage myself. If I love myself, I have to love the things that support my well being. Surprisingly this is really hard.
I’m getting back to my original point, I go all over the place when I’m this excited, it gets almost scary. As an anarchist, a communist, a socialist, an outcast and a general malcontent of every sort, it amuses me when I am found to be of use. I have no problem with it, one must pay the toll, and one must be of use if one can, that’s somewhere in communist and socialist ideology, if not in anarchist ideology. Being an isolationist has always been against my will.
One must influence others, else thy philosophy is dead. Not that this isn’t a fine group to do so, it is just a small group and I can’t see your faces nor you mine. I always hunger for more. Now at the chance, my hunger rebounds. However, I must point out that I was but recently declaring the soon death of capitalism, and I doubt it no more today than I did yesterday. Capitalism has called me, the grim reaper of so many things, I said; “bring me back if you want me, I cannot change what I am”, and bring me back they did.
So, my strategy, my cynicism was more successful than my intial boistrous optimism and can do spirit which I started with six months ago. I was more of a mind that perhaps the market would surge, but that attitude got no takers. The market wants no cheerleaders, no choirboys or salesmen. It wants grim minded gravediggers with hearts of iron like me. That is the lesson, if lesson there be in my experience.
It goes to the Bill Hicks psychological observation that they crave someone to fix; he said that they would far rather have a devil than a saint, because the devil is someone they can fix, redeem. “I can change him”. “You don’t know him like I do”
I’m realizing because of my specific age and exposure most of you don’t know who Bill Hicks is, so here’s the comedy bit I’m refering to
He was a Texan like me, a bit paranoid. Sometimes I wonder if he was killed because he said things that went a bit too far against the grain, lots of counter cultural icons seem to die young. Then again it doesn’t seem to be good for your health to be a counter cultural icon. One of the reasons I’m worried about becoming one. Not sure if I can avoid it. In some circles I might already be it. Heh, that’s ego talking, most likely like Lovecraft I’ll go to the grave assuming no one knows anything about me, and if I achieve prominence it’ll be because of someone who finds my excessive body of work after they put me in the ground. No one appreciated Lovecraft when he was alive like they do now.
The ports are empty, which is earlier by at least four weeks than I thought that was going to happen. The attempt to pull back from the plunge, which I very much count what is happening to me right now as part of is not encouraging the market as much as was hoped.
See, and this is also why I wasn’t as spooked as everyone else, because I am counter cultural. All the folks that the economy works for when it works, they are getting their turn under the whip. When the economy turns, it turns against those it usually works for, and towards those it was against….. and I’m not for him, is the irony, I don’t want anyone to suffer, I was doing great back when everything was going just swell, but I do just as well, arguably better when things turn because I command the malcontent. Again, I cannot repeat this enough, not in any real or egoist way, it’s just that how I’m doing seems to predict how malcontents do.
It’s just….. for the majority of my life they imprinted me with the people that society doesn’t want. That’s the only people I’ve ever been allowed to associate with, to identify with.
So when I really hunker down, when I really start to prepare for a once in 120 year economic storm like I mean it, and I do; the market reacts. I signal it in my communications. I’m explaining all this because I believe every human on the planet has this same power, to act with intention, to intuit the direction of the market around them, to communicate their expectation, and prepare regardless for the worst.
Being responsible pays off. I absolutely do not mean to anyone else, I mean to yourself. The guilt I’ve felt is to myself, I let myself down for so long, and it tortured me that I was such a bad steward of the gifts I was given.
Not that I’m enlightened now, I’m working on these things, I’m trying to be a better man, a better person.
Just; the gifts you give yourself matter so much, especially if you care for others.
It’s a tough road, living the values you want to believe, that you need to believe. Yet, without following that road, it’s a death march of dispair.
It isn’t every day your adversary relents and declares you the victor, savor it, try and make it happen as often as is possible, but know it can’t become a constant drone. Life is ups and downs.