here again

everyone has their own issues but I am a piece of work.
it’s been a while. there are repeat people here ive noticed.
I know people have shit going on but I have to be one of the more benign forms of it and yet my life is still made miserable.
I just have so much resentment towards people. maybe I’m primarily antisocial instead of narcissistic. If I could bring someone else down to keep my mood together I would do it in a heartbeat.
its hard to really relate to anyone with what I’m going through. it’s like I’m a dangerous person (or I like to tell myself so) or in other words I just act very borderline but it’s not what goes on inside. I am calm inside. I know I have no reason to act the way I do, in terms of factors outside of my control. I don’t know what this would be called but I crash out and fixate on what most people would consider small things or things that make no sense. then I threaten to end it. yes I am distressed but there is nothing compelling me to ruin my life. There is no illness. But I don’t stop. It’s been years now. I just make the other people around me unhappy. The kicker is I put a lot of effort into being happy and tolerable and sane. But it’s not human. I act inhuman. I can’t pretend to know the tangible struggles or even genuine mental illness people struggle with. It’s not that feeling that I have. Im supposed to be living a cushy life and I’m supposed to not complain. Before anyone asks if I’m depressed, no. I can physically get out of bed. Im just a one of a kind piece of work. But not in any obvious way because I’m too timid for that. Personally, I don’t even do this, but my life is like that brief flash of entertainment and no impact you get from someone you see acting unreasonably. Im just the narcissist you discard and give up on. I can barely relate to most people’s moods or personality. Im just avoidant until I become a problem. I don’t even attempt to commit. Im just a nuisance.
The one up that people who go through struggles and all that is that they can fluctuate based on meds, support system and what not. They have empathy for that.
Im basically just the scum of the earth in most average person’s eyes and I do warrant the title. No I haven’t done anything unimaginably terrible, ill admit, but it’s enough to exhaust and be miserable to others for seemingly little reason.
… again I don’t know how to describe my emotional situation but I guess one of the evils you can commit in this world is by doing nothing. You don’t have to do anything major. You just have to be someone else’s problem.