What I want, need for success the most is control, just to feel integrated into my world and to feel like I understand and have input in it. Finding balance in this has been the central arc of my mental health journey. I know absolute control is impossible, but more control than I have is also possible. Days like today are hard for a reason, I had to cope with a distinct lack of control, it took significant coping skills to hide how much it shook me, and I probably hid it poorly.
The projects and jobs I succeeded at, I was given multi month timelines and layouts of what was expected of me. This is ideal, you tell me what you need explicitly, and lay out what is going to happen months in advance, I can really coordinate with the world as it is. It makes me look smart and capable. I don’t know if I really am, but my skills are such that under these conditions I look it.
You give me conditions that change on the ground very quickly and I have to think on my feet, I can and will adapt. It just isn’t going to look like an elaborate planned dance. It’s going to look like an improv show. It’ll be janky and weird. It’ll be full of paradoxes and weird off color jokes. I will transform into a workaholic monster if pressed hard enough, either that or a hyper compassionate Mr. Rogers type, something between the two. I tend to stick to characters, because myself isn’t someone you’ll meet while you are abusing me with inconsistency.
So today was very hard, and in the middle of it someone asked if I like my job. I lied and said I did. I was doing my job, and I think I liked it as much as any termite likes chewing on a dead tree. It’s stupid, I don’t think I’m doing anything good, but I’m not even allowed to look at my metrics today. Our internet was down, suddenly even though we aren’t allowed our personal phones; “Just use your hot spot”. A; my phone doesn’t have one. B; I’m not bringing it into the building again to get in trouble for looking at it. You told me never to look at it at work, you get that, I’m a code once and forget it type office machine.
This was very frustrating because of my minor in computer science and time working as a wireless tech, I could probably figure it out….. but they don’t hold me in that regard. I’m tired of this place again, and they cut my hours while giving me harder clients to work. Yes, on the day they cut off my tools, THAT is the day they decide to give me the hard clients.
Send the coal miner in with the rusty tools on the day you send him into the rough part of the mine…. makes sense.
but I do it the company way, where ever the company puts me there I stay, it’s a song, a song about doing the stupid job thing, which I am. My dog has a bad tooth so we have vet bills, plus still need the roof, floor and a few other reno things. I’m trying to keep those in my head, and that time goes faster working than not working.
Just, school is so much better because you know where your life is, and where it is going, so many jobs are better at telling you what is going on, or letting you know. This job is mostly hard for shifting things around so often, the job itself is easier than the schedule.