At the core of it all is that I don’t know how to tolerate my experiences. All of the shame, regret, longing, despair… I don’t know how to experience that, and be ok with it. To exist with it, on an ongoing basis, for however long the rest of my life is. Because it’s always there, in the background. And to not want to run, to not desperately look for distraction, for anything that will momentarily fill my mind with something else… I don’t know how to do that.
And I don’t know if anyone else knows how either. I’m not confident that it’s possible. The people I hear judgementally talking about emotional self-regulation, I don’t think any of them have had the experiences I’ve had. And that’s not their fault. It’s my fault. But they don’t know what it’s actually like down where I am. To have fucked up in the ways I have, while being the naturally oversensitive kind of person I am. Very few people do. And those that do keep it to themselves.
So at the end of each day, it all catches up with me. That nothing is ok. And I have no idea how to make it ok. And it doesn’t seem like anyone else could help. And I’m just stuck with it, alone.
And those feelings make it very hard to fall asleep. And the more tired I become, the harder it is to distract my mind or focus on anything else. And I’m just stuck in that hopelessness, until my brain finally gives up and falls unconscious. And I would give a great deal to never experience that again.