Tuesday marks 9 weeks. Still haven’t heard anything. Don’t know when I will. Hope I do soon so I can continue on with my life. Wouldn’t be in this predicament if had planned better, but that’s to be expected at this point. Meeting with the advisor some point in the future and I’m going to guess he isn’t happy with the fact that I never submitted to a journal like I said I was. Could’ve ended up rejecting me as a result. Even though he did write a recommendation letter.
I’ve been told my suicidal ideation is a coping mechanism with difficult things. I find this annoying because it feels like its not meant to be taken serious. Ironically it makes me want to do it even more when they say this sort of thing. Sometimes the thought occurs when I’m doing the math in my head. Not really when I’m super stressed out or in any sort of pain. Just when I’m thinking about how this all isn’t going to work. Just running the numbers. Which ever way I look at it, it seems like it would be better to put a bullet in my brain. Or easier anyways. But I always come to the conclusion so matter-of-factly. So I guess in a way it is more like a coping mechanism.