Suicide is an addiction. Once you’ve attempted it but just didnt make it… It is always in the back of your mind. Every day it is another option you can put on a to do list. As if you quit smoking and crave it every day but you just don’t fire one up even if you desire it so much. But if you just dont want to be here anymore…its that option. Next time perhaps?
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It always depends on what “not being here” really means, because my personal longing is to be one with the void, similar to what I get a dry run with often when I sleep.
Not to get too spiritual, but what comes next matters a lot to suicide. Which is why I’m trying to just drop off grid, quit the parts of my life I can’t endure.
I’m just unsure, my experience with the world as it is does not indicate a kind creator….. but what do I know? Maybe there’s a sadistic creator, and who wants to cast their existence into that randomizer? I guess it’s stages of grief and I’m in bargaining; maybe I can still work out some sort of deal with that horrible sadistic being….. and so I’m trying to wait them out.
We have to admit; suicide is a desire for control, a confession that we don’t have it. Maybe that’s just me. Yet paradoxically, death is the ultimate loss of control, everyone else gets to control your story. I get so sick of people saying “oh that person was just lost”….. serious F you to people who say that about suicidal people. We aren’t lost, we’re sick to death of this awful planet.
So here’s me, staying alive just to keep control. That’s the real insanity. I really do envy people who can let go, who can accept their end and admit that they are defeated.
On the other hand, as meglomaniacs go, I’m a pretty sweet and kind one. In the land of the blind the one eyed man is king.
You pegged it exactly, suicide is an addiction. Once you get a taste of the mindset, or worse if you have a history of attempts & self harm, it’s always there hanging over your head. Every bad day, every overwhelming situation, immediately channels your mind down that path just like an alcoholic with a full bottle of vodka waiting on the shelf.
I think the only way to break it is the same as any other addiction. You have to quit cold turkey and shut all suicidal thoughts out of your head. But that’s way easier said than done. Unlike other addictions, like smoking where you can throw away all your cigs, or alcoholism where you can flush all your booze and take away all temptations, with suicide the thoughts are in your head. You can’t flush them because they’re a part of who you are.
That’s why it’s such bullshit that the media & psych profession falsely promotes the idea that people who attempt & fail don’t attempt again. What total horse piss. I’ve never met anyone who “quits” after 1 attempt. It turns into multiple attempts almost like a routine until it finally gets them.