I blame myself for a lot of things.
Attack myself hard internally.
A lifelong friend of mine stopped talking to me last week because I wasn’t talking to him enough. I’d been cutting out things like watching wrestling and playing games (A lot of start stop there lately) and have really been stressing with work and trying to get my shit together.
I’m an idiot for that.
I haven’t been keeping up with my studies.
I’m an idiot for that too.
I’m really trying to get better, going to therapy and what not.
Still an idiot for not taking that seriously earlier in life, I was just young and sort of coasting.
I’m doing better mentally but I still feel like an idiot.
I’m fat, and even though I’m trying to lose weight and get myself back in shape, I’m still an idiot for not maintaining a good weight when I was younger.
All to say, I am scared I have a fragmented pysche.
I could be overthinking it, but I have… moments.
Moments where I can view myself going into some level of psychosis (joker laughing), in a really stressful situation, but being aware of it, and pushing through, refusing to give up. I’m scared if I fully give up, I lose it. That being said, I do tend to have an active imagination, and have had an unnatural fear of losing myself (memory loss, amnesia, losing my identity). I feel so broken, but I also feel like I can’t be anything else but myself. What or who would I even be if I wasn’t myself? I don’t know…
I don’t know if going back to a psychiatrist will help me sort this out, but I don’t have the money to do this or take the autism test.
I don’t know why I keep venting here. It’s not the void, but I always feel like going into this kind of depth into my own head isn’t really something I should be burdening a friend or family member with. They have other shit to deal with.
I’m just scared I’ll wind up broke, homeless, or just back home, back to square one…
I don’t know if I’m putting too much pressure on myself, but I’m just trying the best I can.