Everyday I look at my parents and this conflict starts in my head – what would it be like if they knew what I was going through? Would they help me? Or would it just make things weirder? So after discussing and debating with myself for so long, I think I ought to tell them. Maybe I should just tell them. What’s the worse thing that could happen? And yep, less than 24 hours ago I was determined to ignore all these thoughts and have peace for a while but seems like that ‘while’ was too short. Seems like these thoughts don’t wanna sink in deeper than they already are. (I tried but I couldn’t convince them) So after reading 118 words, would you do me a favor? Just tell me how am I supposed to tell my parents about everything or, for starters, some part of it. And I think that I would get some good advice cause most of you are older than me.
One choice, one option, one and only thing that feels right to do. I’m in my junior year and as it’s believed that junior year is the most ‘important’ or whatever. So yeah, everyone expects and thinks that the entire day I keep studying in my room cause I had to tell them that I need to be alone if I am studying. But anyway, school is the last thing that I could be doing (no matter how much my “friends” call me a nerd). So yeah, now I can’t even be sad, I just have to keep pretending to study which is horrible. It is fucking horrible. It’s tiring to pretend to be ok everyday in front of the people who claim that they love me or who were destined to be my family. But now I think that I have to hide the pain (from myself) and be normal in front of myself too. Cause that’s the only option left. And yeah I’ve heard the theory that if we try to hide our negativity from ourselves again and again, then one day that negativity would come out as an explosion, destroying everything and mocking all those days and months that helped us to hide that pain. But, you know what, fuck it, let it happen, let it come out one day and put an end to me. I don’t care if I would be ready for that explosion or not, but at least I won’t face these tiny burning matches everyday (I’m not sure, but I think so). It’s like a single bullet is a lot better than dying little by little. Okay, so there are two ways to interpret the last sentence. The first one is, in simple words, commiting suicide. While the second one is, in a bit twisted words, postponing suicide. And idgaf if the second one sounds maniac cause I’ve tried to do the first one and I didn’t complete it. So, now I’m left with the second option, just let it be, let the pain sink inside me, let the dark thoughts rest for a while, let me keep convincing myself that I am normal. Let me slap the negative feelings and push them back inside. Idk if this will help me or not but if I tried the first method, I have to be unbiased with the second one too. (Some of you might be thinking that there’s a third or fourth or god knows how many other options which are way better, like dealing with my issues, seeking help from a pro, medications, etc etc.) But all these won’t work for me (I know they won’t, I’m sure they won’t). Now, just a little reminder that I AM NOT ACCEPTING THESE THOUGHTS, I’M JUST LETTING THEM CRAWL DEEPER SO THAT THEY GET LOST IN SOMEWHERE AND TAKE A WHILE TO FIND THEIR WAY BACK TO ME. And in this while, let me just have peace and the power of being normal.
I don’t get it, why do I keep screwing up everything and everyone. I pissed off the last person who (maybe) gave a shit about me. I’ve known her since a long time. We remained close friends for most of that time. A couple months ago she asked me why can’t I be normal just like everyone else. Idk but this question made me think that she was just like everyone with whom I’ve ever shared my problems with or put my faith in. So I did what I do best… I pushed her away thinking that she was no longer able to deal with my fucked up thoughts, which makes sense as she was the last one to go before I was all alone. However, a couple days back she checked on me despite the fact that I broke our friendship. So I told her everything, and then suddenly one day, I realized that by telling her everything, I became vulnerable to her. Something had to be done now. So I initiated the conversation and eventually insulted her the best way I could. Okay, this is confusing. She used to listen to me before but as for the last couple days, whenever I spoke with her, she gave me a sympathetic reply and blabbed about how so many other people have sufferings more genuine and worse than me. I did feel hurt cause I didn’t expect this from her, especially not when I needed her the most. So I ignored her until yesterday as she asked what was wrong. And that something had to be done now… I said shit about her and blocked her. Now as much as I hate myself for doing so, I hate people like her who support you at first and then when things get a bit intense, they don’t care anymore, leaving our thoughts to air out.
I feel bad for people when I see them smiling wide and pretending to be happy. ‘Cause no one is happy on this planet… Not a single living being. Happiness is an illusion. And the people who recognize that happiness is an illusion, end up killing themselves because no one wants to live after knowing that their goal was just an illusion… By goal I mean, as kids we’re told by our parents that happiness is the best thing to achieve, neither money nor love… Cause when we’re happy blah blah blah… So stop being happy. I don’t want to see your teeth no matter how white they are. Just keep your fucking mouth shut and don’t grin… I mean how can you express or believe something that doesn’t even exist… Just like God. Happiness is just like God… Both don’t exist but still most people run after these two. I mean where the fuck is happiness… It’s nowhere cause it’s a god-damned illusion. It’s not realistic. What is real is sadness… It exists in every single living being on earth… Some know this and don’t pretend to be lost in the illusion while most don’t understand this and spend their lives trying to achieve something that’s not even real…
I went to the roof I stood on the edge… I saw the boulevard… It looked beautiful from up there… There was a gentle breeze… I felt peaceful in a long time, just by standing at that edge, waiting to jump… Reminiscing everything good that life had given me and feeling bad that I didn’t have the balls to tell my family about everything I had gone through… Hell, I even recalled eighth grade geography and those fucking trigonometric equations… I had my phone with me… I had deleted everything on it cause that was highly confidential bullshit… More like the fucked up shit you don’t want anyone to see… Before erasing everything on my phone, I looked at my old pictures… Eight year old me didn’t know what stress was… Five year old me just knew two things- study and play… Ten year old me just wanted to be a geologist… Three year old me was adored by everyone… Twelve year old me was worried about two things – cramps and grades… Also, twelve year old me didn’t know what was coming ahead in her life… And then it came and then I became fucked up… All these thoughts were running through my mind… And it had hardly been three minutes since I got up on the edge… Well, I was lucky enough as no one could be seen roaming around the streets, seeing me and telling me to stop because of the virus… Even if they were, I didn’t want to stop… I’ve gotten so far and now just one thing… Just free fall… Let the gravity control you… Just one step… Maybe two… Fuck, just jump… I was feeling my heart in my hands, on my neck, on my face, it felt like my heart was moving here and there inside my body… I took off my glasses, stuffed them into my pocket… Closed my eyes… My nails digging my palms… My heart beating was the only thing I could hear… I opened my eyes for a last look of everything… Then closed them again… And then I took a step… Then another… And hit the floor… Of the roof… Wait, what?… How did I… I was… Reality hits hard… I couldn’t get up on my feet as I was too afraid to face the pathetic loser I had become… I took, not one but two, steps back… I fucked up… I… Just kill me… Shoot me in my head, face, poison me, hang me, stab me, punch me, beat me… Just kill me… I wanted to escape… I thought I had found a way to get over everything… But I forgot one thing about mental illness… It never ends…
I want to thank this website where I could write my last words and the thoughts that I couldn’t share with anyone else. But now the water has gone above my head, I’m drowning and my head hurts. After a long time, I’m able to make a decision without the interruption of the constant conflict that was running in my head. And I did try everything I could… I told my brother, my best friend, this website and the helpline guy (and they must’ve tried to bring me back) but I think the toxicity inside of me was just too much for anyone to erase it. So I guess it’s my job now to erase myself, once and for all. I’m not having any regrets, guilt or remorse. I just know that by doing this, I would start an eternity of happiness for everyone else (maybe me myself). And yes, in case you’re wondering what if I survived and this just becomes an attempt, then don’t worry cause no matter how fucked up I was, I had one gift… I was good in math (yeah, I get it, not many people are good in math, but no matter how random it seems, I was good in math) so I’ve made all the calculations and the conclusion is that there’s no way that I would survive once I jump off the roof of my building. So yeah, that’s my ‘way out’. And yes, I’d be better off dead, laying in that coffin, just me with silence, just me resting in peace… How good that’d be… Getting silence at last… Anyways, I do have a little advice for you (even if it’s fucked up) that if you have kids then try to talk to them if they seem suicidal… Although you wouldn’t be able to cause the only time you’d know that they’re suicidal would be when they are dead and as of 2020, the living can’t really speak to the dead so you know keep blaming yourselves for your kid’s death but the truth is she died cause it was her choice… You might’ve brought her up for the last 15 years but you couldn’t control her thoughts or likewise, her life. (Mind you, I’m not blaming my fam or anyone so don’t get into that) So yeah, I’mma stop right there, my words and my heart.
I feel like something’s eating up my brain. It’s like it has created a deep hole inside my soul. It is controlling me and my life. Sometimes, it tells me to hurt myself by my own hands while some other times, it tells me to hurt people who’ve hurt me. It just is so confusing that my mind is choked badly. I’ve lost my ability to think. And even slowly, but I’m losing myself upto an extent that I may die now. I want to die now. It has became my only wish – to die. It’s pinching and punching me. It is making me aware of parts of me that I never even knew, existed, those hidden dark mysterious parts of my empty yet peaceful soul. And I, too, like a fool, am letting it do whatever it wants to do with me because no matter how hard I try to oppose it, it won’t stop. It isn’t stopping. I’ve started to feel that there’s no sense trying because in the end, I’m definitely gonna lose. But then, that’s the whole point about trying because brave are the people who die trying. But what am I doing? Losing hope is all I can think about along with the fact that hope is something that wasn’t made for me. The irony here is that even darkness was not made for me because the creator must’ve been too scared to make anything for me and my empty soul. That is why, I wonder how come has this thing stuck with me if nothing was made for me, ever. I might sound like I am in total despair but I don’t think this thing, that has settled in my mind and is so busy twisting and hurting me, is bearable. Now, tell me what I’m supposed to do except for falling on my knees (I’m not begging it to leave me) and surrendering to it. And even the creator won’t know what this thing would do to me once I’ve surrendered. So if someday, someone asks you, why I did what I’m going to, just tell them (don’t overthink this because you’d never get a single answer) that I had no choice but to let myself go.
When was the time when I lost myself? Just tell me so that I can go back there and undo it or just erase that part of my life… cause I look at my family and imagine what’d happen to them once I’m gone like forever… Who would defend my sister when she’s done something wrong? To whom would mommy talk her heart out? Who would take daddy’s side when they fight? Who would roam around the house giggling unnecessarily (even tho it’s fake)? So just tell me how it all started? Or when it all started? Or why it all started? Cause I’ve no fucking idea… All I remember is that it just did. And once it did, all I could think about was suicide. The reason (if there’s any) is unexplainable… Even to me myself… It’s like it vanished somewhere in my head and now it’s just gone forever. And yes pain really is a prison. And for the first time in a long time, I want to be back to being normal( although normal is overrated but still) cause I don’t want my lil sister to cry at my funeral without even knowing the reason why the person whom she looked up to killed herself. It’s just that I can either die or go back to being normal but I can’t live like this… cause living while wishing to die sucks. It fucking sucks. And I don’t have anyone to talk to which might make me a pathetic loser but I can’t wake up everyday and pretend to be normal when I clearly am not. I’m not fucking normal. I am severely fucked up… My life, head everything is fucked up. And I can’t live like this cause it’s painful it’s hard. I am thinking of every possible way to commit suicide… Like I said earlier, normal isn’t just within my radar. I just… it’s getting harder… Tell me the reason why it all started… Just show me that there’s someone who feels me and would listen to me… But then there’s another thing… Who am I even asking this from cause no one’s gonna read these fucked up words of a fucked up mind of a fucked up person