Idfk anymore, I'm just here I guess

It’s not surprising that it turned out like this. Her weakness always was that she took things too much at face value. Whether good or bad, she tended to trust the appearance of things. She had faith in people. And I idolized her because her innocent eyes allowed her to view me free of imperfection. It’s ironic that the very same thing that could have saved me, is the same thing that relegated me to this doomed situation. Ironic, perhaps, but not surprising.

This curse is killing me. I see no difference if I go to hell. I am already damned.

I don’t… enjoy anything. I don’t want to do anything. If you knew even half the stuff I’ve… Why bother

Man I’m tired. Why does it matter what I write when someone else can say what I feel much more easily and honestly. This dude is right, spot on. Even if it weren’t for the “disease”, which is what I’m calling it now since I don’t know what it is… It may have played out in a more complicated way, but this is ultimately the reason I pushed my only friend away.

I wish I could start over.

Who else feels, like they’ve thought all the thoughts, and there’s nothing left to say?

Every day is the same.

I have come curiously close to the end, down

Beneath my self indulgent pitiful hole.

Defeated, I

Concede and

Move closer

I may find comfort here

I may find peace within the emptiness.

How pitiful.

It’s calling me

It’s calling me

It’s calling me

It’s calling me.

I don’t know if you’re still here. I can’t claim to understand what your deal is. But it doesn’t matter– I could have, and should’ve handled that differently regardless of who you are. I feel like you were playing games with us here and that’s not appropriate, but maybe you couldn’t help yourself, but I still think that’s no excuse to act that way. No one wants to watch someone abandon their self respect and mutilate themselves. I know if anywhere were to be the place for that to be acceptable it would seem to be here. But it isn’t. And if we look at things honestly, that’s part of the reason why the site is like it is now. So many of us did the same in front of everyone else, and just kicked up drama and the mods got sick of it. I’m a hypocrite like the rest, but after all this time I’ve finally realized things aren’t just as simple as giving up and deciding to die. There’s a lot more to it than that. Don’t know what else to say. I’m not gonna give some lame motivational speech that nobody wants to hear or will listen to. Sorry guys. Bye.

Okay I’ll try to make this as straightforward as possible. Would any of you guys like to join a groupchat in discord– I obviously don’t have anything against the other members here it’s just you guys stick out to me and okay it’s very hard for me to speak my thoughts without getting discouraged and frustrated and I’d very much appreciate it if any of you would talk to me because I cannot write in this format. I have autism and that prefrontal lobe disorder I mentioned and it makes it overwhelming because of the anxiety and I think I’m going to commit soon and I’d really appreciate some of you guys to talk to, I recognize some of you as long time members, I just don’t know your original names; it’s been difficult to keep track of who’s who after all this time, some of you are newer but that’s fine yada yada etc.. I’m just really going through a rough time right now and I just need to communicate in real time structure and there’s a lot of stuff I want to say right now. I don’t know if you guys dislike me or even know who I am but I’ve been here for quite some time, paying attention to all of your posts, I remember who some of you are and I remember some of the people who come back, if it seems like I’m not paying attention it’s not due to anything personal I know I seem aloof but I have mental conditions that make me this way not to make excuses but that’s just the way things are haha ‘^ ^

I’ll drop my tag if any of you respond, I don’t have high expectations but I would be happy if just one or two of you responded

@once I knew you as chip, I feel you’re very relatable, I could use someone to talk to

@rivets I’ve been here almost as long as you, and you’ve always been something else. I know you’re probably going to turn this offer down but I just want you to know I appreciate your presence here etc.

@soda @rainwatch I know one of you is a vet who changed their name, but you’ve both been here a very long time,  but both of your comments are always nice

the rest of you guys are newer I believe but I always appreciate what you have to say anyways yeah I hope this post stays up so we can get in contact cause I don’t feel comfortable dropping my email and if I’ve forgotten anyone who’s taken notice of me it isn’t anything personal I’ve just got a lot of shit on my plate I hope you understand thanks

no point. arbitrary.

I came here to post a song , but anyone else notice this site now has an “AIOSEO Score” (whatever that is) when you make a post and is no longer secure when you look in the corner of the search bar? RIP, SP, I guess. Final nail in the coffin.

Anyone here still got the Discord?

Ever go catatonic while staring at a picture of someone you know you’re never going to be able to see again

I was messaged back by an old friend, someone I grew up with. Apparently they took my message as me pressuring them to see me and took a somewhat stern tone with me explaining how they’ve got bullshit going on…  And there I was right on the other end expecting them to be glad to communicate with me. God forbid we actually have a conversation.

It has finally been cemented to me that the only time people don’t want anything to do with their phone is when communication is involved.

And I know it’s obvious saying this, but that is unless it’s fucking Snapchat, Tinder, Facebook or TikTok. It’s just… Unavoidable. The old ways… Of relationships and communication, are dead.

Why even bother being in this world anymore? Why even bother being in this world that doesn’t want us?

You’d think I learn something by now. You’d think I’d learn, that the only consistent thing in my life is disappointment, and formulate a pattern out of it and realize not to come to expect anything else out of people or this world.

This just further cements my decision. I’m not wanted, or needed, or even cared about here. My friend as I knew him, and our friendship, is for all intents and purposes, lost. Gone with the wind. I’ve lost everyone I’ve ever cared about. And they may as well just sleep. If only I had the resolve to do it. But I have pills. Pills that can help me. They’ll help me go down. And I know exactly how to do it. In fact, factually speaking, it’d be hard not to die under those circumstances, that make it so easy to die, or be free. But I think this world is too callow for death to be real. I don’t know what that means, but I know that I mean it. So I don’t know what lays on the other side of death. I hope Buddhists, and Nietzsche, aren’t right. You know how they say fire can’t burn itself? Fire is a property, right? Well, since life can never know itself or understand what it is, it makes sense to say that life is a property, just like fire, doesn’t it? Food for thought.

Something I’ve never come to grips with and learned to work to my advantage merely because I don’t have the fucking patience and I don’t want to live in a world like that, I want to live in a world of people I identify with, is the fact that most people are so stupid that it’s hard to believe. Did god play some cosmic joke on us? I  really don’t mean this as an insult, I really don’t: I know I’m not the only who to this day is still immobilized by the incredulity of it all; This is not how I saw life going. Is life supposed to be this difficult? Why is communication stifled at every turn? Do you see what I’m saying?  If you do, you know, it’s something difficult to describe, isn’t it? It’s like a horror show. You can’t believe people are actually this stupid and this hard to deal with, I thought we were the same kind? I thought we were supposed to get along? I thought… I lost my train of thought again. Because I’m so often screaming into the void, that I’ve become… Like on autopilot. It’s been so long since I’ve talked to someone who could actually “wake me up”… (Does that mean I’m stupid?) Does anyone know what I’m saying? I’m detached from reality. It’s like I like I exist in a vacuum. 

Back to the point… When I was 6, I was in a children’s behavioral psyche ward or something to that effect, and they had just handed out candy, and I got a blueberry sucker. I was playing video games in the corner when this one lumbering lady asked why my tongue was blue and started freaking out and contacted some of the other staff about it. Bro… Like…I know I’m not describing this well so it’s probably making me look worse, but take my word for it, she was really slow. And she was  a medical professional. I don’t know.

I don’t know. It’s like my brain won’t allow me to say what I want to say here, because to do so would be to break out of the matrix. I feel like I’ve lived this moment before. I’m getting an intense sense of deja-vu right now. I think I kill myself soon. Point failed to deliver once again, nobody knows what the fuck I’m talking about. Congratulations to me. I can’t even retain my thoughts long enough to get them out coherently on a screen. Every time I try I just fail. I don’t even know what I’m talking about at this point. Fuck me. Fuck this pathetic post. All I need to do is get a gun.

I no longer even identify with my life

Here I doubt that this will truly significantly change anyone’s perspective but in Thus Spoke Zarathustra, which is a parody of the bible, Nietzsche, or rather “Zarathustra”, his fictional mouthpiece/prophet talks about a concept called the eternal recurrence of the same. From the liner notes:

“Every time he thinks about this concept, it’s as though a dark cloud passes over him. He becomes brooding and silent. He now confronts its implications. Life is Will to Power. Will to Power seeks to overcome obstacles. What is the greatest obstacle of all? To will the past. How is it possible to make my past life, past human history, a function of my willing in the present? Traditional theology suggests that not even God can willfully affect the past. To make human history meaningful, to redeem all the errors and suffering of the past, one must actively will it so. One who can do this accomplishes that which even the traditional omnipotent God seems incapable of doing.”

And twenty pages later:

“Here Zarathustra finally embraces the idea of eternal recurrence and suggests how it relates to the Overman. In the “enigma” part of the discourse, he converses with his nemesis, the spirit of gravity. This mole-dwarf suggest that time is a circle, with no beginning and no end. Zarathustra builds upon this idea by pointing out that if this is so, and if everything done in the present has a necessary effect on the future, then to will anything into the future is, ultimately, to redeem the past, since what we call “past” is really an extended “future”. Thus, human history is redeemed, insofar as one wills it. Yet, to actively will all the misery and suffering of the past requires a profound sense of responsibility. This is what the “vision” part of the discourse is about. Zarathustra says that he came upon a young shepherd, asleep, with a snake stuck in his throat, suffocating him. Zarathustra bid the man to bite off the head of the snake, which the man did. The snake is pity for humankind. The Overman can either suffocate because of it, or he can, through an act of will, get over it. The shepherd bit and spit out the head, and then laughed as no one ever laughed before. This act represent the ultimate self-overcoming, the essence of the Overman.”

Saw this on one of the two accounts I follow on social media today.

I’m just posting this here because it speaks to the larger scale of things. You guys ever heard of Behavioral Game Design? It’s basically just what it sounds like. A blueprint cataloguing tried and effective ways to get you addicted. Smartphone games had it, World of Warcraft had it, Total War has it.

With the understandable indignation at this fact in mind, we all know gamers are never going to rise up and overturn the greed fueled stagnating industry, despite all the revolutions they’ve oversaw and heroes they’ve played as in video games.

Just like that one episode of Rick and Morty where they kill the Rick who was yearning for a taste of freedom and marketed the feeling he had when he finally escaped by capturing it with a ray gun and condensing it down into a wafer.

sometimes I feel like I’m already dead

I remember a dude on here years ago griping about his height and how he wanted to be an athlete but couldn’t… Well I’ve been taking this shit called Ashwagandha for… 4 days now… And I can’t say for certain, but I could almost swear to god, I’m taller. I was already pretty tall as it is. Which sucks. I wanted to use this stuff to build muscle. Not height. I’m already 6’4. I can’t get much taller without being a freak. Guess I’ll have to throw this crap out and just be skinny.

Anyway, if that dude ever reads this, maybe his torment will end. But I doubt he will. Maybe he already killed himself. Not much more to say. This sucks for both of us.

I know it’s a stale question a this point, but why do people use Facebook if they’re not even going to answer their messages? It’s like that one video with that homeless guy who talks about how dozens of old friends from high school hit HIM up and then not a one responded when he invited them to his birthday lol

But not even reading your messages? Just leaving them on read for days, weeks, even months? I just don’t get it

What that annoying person who left the site wrote came back to me today after I had an encounter with my “friend” with Asperger’s. He went on and on about how “people’s faces change when..” (insert scenario here) and/or “when you kill someone, it’s a burden on your SOUL” etc..

No. I had an encounter with an old drunk guy who kept on insisting my abusive mom loved me and asked if I could forgive her. Bro. Forgiveness ain’t got anything to do with it. You can’t forgive someone who has no remorse and hasn’t changed. And there is no love in fear.

These people, are just too innocent. Some people just don’t understand.. That some people are just bad. They’re just born bad.

This has nothing to do with what’s going on. It’s just the intro that I wanted to show you.