Idfk anymore, I'm just here I guess

I know it’s a stale question a this point, but why do people use Facebook if they’re not even going to answer their messages? It’s like that one video with that homeless guy who talks about how dozens of old friends from high school hit HIM up and then not a one responded when he invited them to his birthday lol

But not even reading your messages? Just leaving them on read for days, weeks, even months? I just don’t get it

What that annoying person who left the site wrote came back to me today after I had an encounter with my “friend” with Asperger’s. He went on and on about how “people’s faces change when..” (insert scenario here) and/or “when you kill someone, it’s a burden on your SOUL” etc..

No. I had an encounter with an old drunk guy who kept on insisting my abusive mom loved me and asked if I could forgive her. Bro. Forgiveness ain’t got anything to do with it. You can’t forgive someone who has no remorse and hasn’t changed. And there is no love in fear.

These people, are just too innocent. Some people just don’t understand.. That some people are just bad. They’re just born bad.

This has nothing to do with what’s going on. It’s just the intro that I wanted to show you.

we’d be better off if this world was dead. what’s keeping me holding on? my abusers are unrepentant pieces of trash, what’s the point of this. there’s no point to any of this.

…Deep down, beyond all the bullshit?

I’m actually a very warm, soft, intimate person, but the world won’t let me be that person. I forget it sometimes. I could go on but it seems weird self referencing.

So, no one sees who I truly am. No one has ever known who I truly am. No one appreciates me for who I truly am. Maybe it’s because of how the cards were lain. When I was 7 I was taken into a foster home. By the time I got back I had to go to a new school. It’s just there wasn’t enough time for people to grow familiar with me for that kind of familiarity to form. I don’t have any childhood friends. Not early childhood. Maybe things would be different, maybe if someone knew me back then.

No one ever gives me a chance to express myself. No one ever divests them self in other people. No one has any patience for anyone anymore. Me included. Maybe I can be someone who does. Maybe I can lead as an example.

Just lost thoughts on the backdrop of my downward spiral.

People are just glued to their phones. And we can never go back.

I have Schizoid PD, Depressive Subtype

Multiple-Complex Developmental Disorder (Autism Spectrum Disorder)

Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

possible Korsakoff’s Syndrome, or prefrontal lobe damage/unidentified condition

I’m pretty sure it’s getting to the point that I’m taking severe physiological damage from the lack of sex, affection, or human interaction. How am I supposed to go outside when people can hear my thoughts. I can’t go to school, get a job. Let alone have sex. Imagine that doozy. Imagine trying to do it with someone while they’re screaming about god knows what in your ear without even knowing it. Eh fuck it it’s not like any of you understand or care. Who am I talking to? Basically no one. I’m screaming into the void. Invalidating myself more and more with every word. Because you think I’m okay to even write this. I’m not. I can’t breathe. I’m not really here. Digging my own grave to keep me level. Jam another dragon down the hole.

Lelouch vi Britannia once said “When there is evil in this world that justice cannot defeat. Would you taint your hands with evil to defeat evil? Or would you remain steadfast and righteous even if it means surrendering to evil? To defeat evil, I shall become an even greater evil.”

My friends may have though I could defeat my mental illness with sheer force of will. While we know that’s impossible, I don’t think they were wrong about everything, and I don’t look down on them for being wrong. C. talked a lot about that quote, “Those who do battle with monsters must be careful lest they themselves become monsters. And he who gazes too long into the abyss, be wary, for the abyss gazes back”.

I texted one of them one day because I had finally seen what they’d seen: “..You’re right bro. I hate people for their inner darkness. I don’t see the light. I’m just like that kid who was afraid of me for no goddamn reason in high school because I was a kid with long hair. His name was Eric. He obviously was autistic like me. And he wasn’t raised right. I tried to tell him that his parents were just fucking him up with those meds they gave him for his ADHD. The shit he said. “Without them, I’m really fucking annoying.” Like so what. You’re annoying now dude. Didn’t your caregivers ever think to show you a drop of fucking tolerance? It’s just like how all the adults in my life treated me like shit. They hated me for my inner darkness. They hated me for having the courage to conquer what they saw in themselves. I always thought I was invulnerable to the influence of others. But it turns out I was afraid of them. “What if they’re right”? And ultimately they banded together to destroy me. Because they feared what I represent. I have turned into everything I hate. I remember how badly I wanted to be a heroic beacon in that darkness. I wanted to intimidate those who intimidated others. And unbeknownst to me, I did. I really did. I struck fear into the biggest, evilest motherfuckers I encountered. Of COURSE I was afraid.. I have become a monster.”

I met an Orthodox Christian in a Discord server the other day. It was a server full of people with “alternate” views. Not that I share the views, but I though I was tough enough to enter there, but after a while I started feeling sick to my stomach and left. The Orthodox guy was interesting. He told me a lot about how they view the Catholics as heretics who basically declared themselves to be on par with God by investing power in the pope, or something like that.. I’ve been an atheist my whole life, and I don’t think I could ever become a Christian, whether the true philosophy of Christianity is much more consistent than what we have today throughout most of the world. And I believe in God. Proof of intelligent design, at least. Black implies white, life implies death, male implies female, and I believe that the structure of DNA is proof of god. But not the Christian god. Or the Islamic god. Or the Hindu god, or the Pagan gods or any other gods or forces beheld of on this planet. The structure of DNA just implies intelligent design. A oneness, if you will, divinity, with all things around us; microcosm, macrocosm are the same. It could mean anything. It could mean we’re in a simulation, who knows?

Lack of belief aside, I could see how Christian values could hold some.. er, value, especially with a more congruent version of Christianity coming into the picture, but I still don’t know what to believe.

Romans 12:17 as follows:

Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all.

Makes sense to me. But that conflicts with what I said earlier.

I guess the question is, which way is right? Do you really think evil can be defeated with kindness?

Maybe.. I don’t completely hate the religious anymore? I don’t know. I think I’m closed-minded.

Just by living… People hurt others, without even realizing it. So long as humanity exists, hate will also exist. There is no peace in this cursed world. War is just a crime paid for by the pain of the defeated…

 

Even innocent foolish children will grow up in the face of pain, until their thought and beliefs are the same as their doubts.

 

Do you understand pain a little now? If you don’t share someone’s pain, you can never understand them. But just because you understand them doesn’t mean you can come to an agreement. That’s the truth.

 

Things always happen without warning and the reason becomes apparent afterwards.

….tfw Deus ex Machina isn’t a thing in real life, you don’t have a demon fox inside of you and lives are constantly thrown away over jokes and you live in constant fear for yourself and others

My own suffering has eclipsed my concern for what others may feel, of benevolent intent or otherwise, anguish, though it’s not likely, at my passing

Anyone else ever just feel like going full send, write out a long and personal post having the intent to convey something thorough and deep, and then have it veer so completely far off from what you had originally intended that you just scrap it and say fuck it? And in the end it comes down to: Who would relate? Probably no one anyway.

I really wish I could express myself better. Anyone wanna talk?

That’s the second time I’ve asked that in a row. It’s a sign that I’m becoming more suicidal. But no one will notice anyway.

And even if you do respond, I won’t have much to say. I reject compassion, at some inner level, probably. These are dire straights we’re in.

I’m so disappointed by humanity, death is inevitable, all I’m doing is running away

So. As it turns out, I have an incurable disease. I’ll spare you the description and just insert some links:

https://psychology.wikia.org/wiki/Korsakoff%27s_psychosis

If you haven’t guessed, that kinda sucks dick. If you haven’t visited the links, I suggest you do so now, otherwise continuing to read will be pointless and any comments made on the matter can presumably be said to be likewise. No, I’m not alright.

If you’ve been reading my posts, or have skimmed anything I’ve written, you’d find that I’ve been struggling for some time to identify a very strange condition which has afflicted me since I was 17. It’s been 8 years now, 8 years of spiraling the drain, and . . . .

Now, I recall an argument I had with a certain duo I knew via gaming console who attempted to characterize my problem with an old routine we all know too well.

“Mental illness is a choice”.

If you’ve read the link, you and any rational person will know, I can’t very damn well “turn off” my disease any more than a human being can organically regrow a severed limb.

But that was the argument I got. Over and over again. Over and over. Over. And. Over.

And it got to the point that it even came down to a metaphysical argument. Now. As follows:

From Google:

“If I decide to order vanilla, the decision results in the firings of many neurons, which are material objects, followed by activity in much larger material objects like the vagus nerve and my vocal cords. According to libertarians, at some point in my neural processes, things could have gone way one or another. I was the one who controlled which way, which means that I controlled how all of this matter behaved. According to libertarians, my choosing vanilla was not determined by anything prior, yet somehow reflects my character, and results in the creation and direction of electricity from pure will”.

From Me:

“That’s a famous argument concerning the matter of what you’ve described, which is libertarian free will.

Now in my words, what you’ve done is taken a set of preconceptions about the nature of free will and determinism and built arguments and uncertainties upon them. These are things that we as a species have no means of proving or disproving.

And ultimately, even if I hypothetically chose to “agree” or “disagree” with your argument, the fact is that based on our current understanding of metaphysics, we actually don’t even know enough to qualitatively measure if someone’s ‘choice’ to believe that the universe is nondeterministic is really their choice at all, or if they simply believe it is because something determined they would in the first place.

You’re trying to extrapolate commensurate conclusions from tangled metaphysical arguments and prematurely assigning applications to the propositions that emerge thereof on the basis of pure speculation when you take it to the point of insinuating someone with say, Schizophrenia could do away with their hallucinations and hearing voices and that nothing is reliant upon the chemical structure of their brains.”

Don’t get me wrong, my friend wasn’t a dumb guy, but. For fuck’s sake. I literally took nearly four hours out of my day to write that out perfectly only to be met with a rebuttal of dismissiveness and a “tough love” justification/bullshit cliché.

“But trust me- If you just wake up everyday and tell yourself “this doesn’t happen”, it won’t”.

BAM! PRESTO!

…Wanna see a Magic Trick?

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

For fuck’s sake.

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I’ve been told I’m “brilliant” countless times before, yet does anyone ever heed my words? Well, I’m right! Here, at the end of things, I stand triumphant in my emphatic endeavor to not be misconstrued a lazy, stupid, cowardly piece of shit who only hears what he wants to hear! Triumphant, and broken.

For someone of my intellectual capacity, to always be treated as the opposite of anything anyone wants, or as the most commonly available substance on the planet… has always been a humbling experience.

And that’s part of why I find it so infuriating to be accused of lacking humility, especially by those who will never even know what that really is, or how it feels.

Part of humility is understanding that even if I were the most intellectually capable person on the planet, that is not what people want. My “good qualities” are not what others prioritize.

The closest I could ever get, to becoming The Mountain, would be to become an Iceberg.

Clevername- “Being Water… When everyone wants a Mountain”

Just know I tried to find some faith but wasn’t able to
I tried to turn all of my weaknesses to strengths but wasn’t capable

The world was always terrible, and it always will be. It doesn’t get better, it never has, and it never will, until we wipe ourselves out, which will be pretty soon. I think the last I heard, we’ve got less than 15 years to reverse climate change. No one cares.

I don’t want to be an adult. I’m not good at it. I wasn’t even good at being young. I’m not good at being me, come to think of it. How many people from here have actually killed themselves? I know the cliché thing is those that really do it are the ones who stop talking about it.

Born like this
Into this
As the chalk faces smile
As Mrs. Death laughs
As the elevators break
As political landscapes dissolve
As the supermarket bag boy holds a college degree
As the oily fish spit out their oily prey
As the sun is masked
We are
Born like this
Into this
Into these carefully mad wars
Into the sight of broken factory windows of emptiness
Into bars where people no longer speak to each other
Into fist fights that end as shootings and knifings
Born into this
Into hospitals which are so expensive that it’s cheaper to die
Into lawyers who charge so much it’s cheaper to plead guilty
Into a country where the jails are full and the madhouses closed
Into a place where the masses elevate fools into rich heroes
Born into this
Walking and living through this
Dying because of this
Muted because of this
Castrated
Debauched
Disinherited
Because of this
Fooled by this
Used by this
Pissed on by this
Made crazy and sick by this
Made violent
Made inhuman
By this
The heart is blackened
The fingers reach for the throat
The gun
The knife
The bomb
The fingers reach toward an unresponsive god
The fingers reach for the bottle
The pill
The powder
We are born into this sorrowful deadliness
We are born into a government 60 years in debt
That soon will be unable to even pay the interest on that debt
And the banks will burn
Money will be useless
There will be open and unpunished murder in the streets
It will be guns and roving mobs
Land will be useless
Food will become a diminishing return
Nuclear power will be taken over by the many
Explosions will continually shake the earth
Radiated robot men will stalk each other
The rich and the chosen will watch from space platforms
Dante’s Inferno will be made to look like a children’s playground
The sun will not be seen and it will always be night
Trees will die
All vegetation will die
Radiated men will eat the flesh of radiated men
The sea will be poisoned
The lakes and rivers will vanish
Rain will be the new gold
The rotting bodies of men and animals will stink in the dark wind
The last few survivors will be overtaken by new and hideous diseases
And the space platforms will be destroyed by attrition
The petering out of supplies
The natural effect of general decay
And there will be the most beautiful silence never heard
Born out of that.
The sun still hidden there
Awaiting the next chapter.

I’ve been looking so long at these pictures of you
That I almost believe that they’re real
I’ve been living so long with my pictures of you
That I almost believe that the pictures
Are all I can feel

A lot of our stories here are so very much the same. It’s too bad we can’t do much to help each other.