Born like this
As the chalk faces smile
As Mrs. Death laughs
As the elevators break
As political landscapes dissolve
As the supermarket bag boy holds a college degree
As the oily fish spit out their oily prey
As the sun is masked
Born like this
Into these carefully mad wars
Into the sight of broken factory windows of emptiness
Into bars where people no longer speak to each other
Into fist fights that end as shootings and knifings
Born into this
Into hospitals which are so expensive that it’s cheaper to die
Into lawyers who charge so much it’s cheaper to plead guilty
Into a country where the jails are full and the madhouses closed
Into a place where the masses elevate fools into rich heroes
Born into this
Walking and living through this
Dying because of this
Muted because of this
Because of this
Fooled by this
Used by this
Pissed on by this
Made crazy and sick by this
The heart is blackened
The fingers reach for the throat
The fingers reach toward an unresponsive god
The fingers reach for the bottle
We are born into this sorrowful deadliness
We are born into a government 60 years in debt
That soon will be unable to even pay the interest on that debt
And the banks will burn
Money will be useless
There will be open and unpunished murder in the streets
It will be guns and roving mobs
Land will be useless
Food will become a diminishing return
Nuclear power will be taken over by the many
Explosions will continually shake the earth
Radiated robot men will stalk each other
The rich and the chosen will watch from space platforms
Dante’s Inferno will be made to look like a children’s playground
The sun will not be seen and it will always be night
Trees will die
All vegetation will die
Radiated men will eat the flesh of radiated men
The sea will be poisoned
The lakes and rivers will vanish
Rain will be the new gold
The rotting bodies of men and animals will stink in the dark wind
The last few survivors will be overtaken by new and hideous diseases
And the space platforms will be destroyed by attrition
The petering out of supplies
The natural effect of general decay
And there will be the most beautiful silence never heard
Born out of that.
The sun still hidden there
Awaiting the next chapter.
I’ve been looking so long at these pictures of you
That I almost believe that they’re real
I’ve been living so long with my pictures of you
That I almost believe that the pictures
Are all I can feel
A lot of our stories here are so very much the same. It’s too bad we can’t do much to help each other.
(posted a video, don’t know why it won’t show up without clicking the post)
This is about someone I know though, but it gives some backstory on why I’m here. I feel most people here think it’s not worth it to share their stories, or too hard. Read if you want. So long story short my mom is an incredibly fucked up broken person who can’t drive hasn’t had a job since she was 40 anxious obsessive compulsive chain-smoking paranoid-avoidant depressive greedy selfish sadistic masochistic etc. you name it who abused manipulated stole from lied to and didn’t feed me when I was a kid… She’s not exactly… Aware? of what’s going on around her? She’s.. She’s fucked up, idk, anyways at 15 I was essentially abducted by a sociopath whose landlord had gotten fed up with him and told his wife about the way he really is etc. long story short she’s a little slow in the head and ended up coming back to him because she was naïve to the true nature of the man and she couldn’t handle the kids… This guy essentially tricked her into being his wife so he could have kids and live off of child support, and even told me he married her in a parking lot… But yeah this dude asked my neurotic mom to move in with him because our shithole apartment at the time was filled with mold and made it look like he was concerned and basically since my mom is fucked in the head she was paying half the rent the whole time we were there while he his wife, and four kids were living there… Yeah, as you can tell, this is only the tip of the iceberg. He kept on trying to like… make me his servant? And of course would constantly intimidate and threaten me, was disproportionately fixated on me, a 15 year old boy… This man was sick. I can still feel the aura of his evil suffocating me, when I think back to those moments…
But anyway, that’s not what any of this is about. While I was there, he had this son. Now I can’t explain why I behaved the way I did. Partially because I was scared for my life and knew that if I called social services on my mom and this guy I’d have nowhere else to go, and I am incredibly prideful and would rather die than live with someone other than my own mother, even is she is sick and abusive… I also have autism… It doesn’t matter. For whatever reason I tolerated it to the extent that I was powerless cause my mom was oblivious to being used and was an abuser herself. I think my brain just burned out from all the stress so I just had no choice but to wade out the horror story expecting someone would intervene at some point, because I couldn’t stay there forever, right? This guy was so obviously insane, I figured it would resolve itself by some adult coming along and doing something about it. Anyway that didn’t happen.
As for his kids, they were all disconnected from reality. They behaved in an oblivious, domineering, obnoxious way that irked EVERYBODY around them, and yet they were impervious to any capacity for self reflection on their behavior e.g. they were unaware that their dad was a sociopath and unaware of their own behavior. When I first met one of his kids she came into my room and started touching my things are tearing the place apart like a tornado while I just sat there in disbelief and watched. She was a little monster. They had no sense of boundaries. BUT back to the point…
His son and I would chill and play video games while I waited for the situation to blow over. I was horrified with how unaware of their situation they were. Once he brought some friends from school over and his dad started talking to them and they just left after being held hostage in an awkward creepy conversation for half an hour and said “OKAY… We’re never coming back here again“… And yet still he couldn’t figure out what was wrong. Yeah, he’s not very smart. Or… He’s not an idiot, he, just, THEY, all had problems processing that their dad was, what he was.
Fast forward several years and his dad has died. He contacted me on social media and eventually told me about how he had a mental breakdown when his dad died and they put him or some antidepressants and they REALLY fucked his brain up. Let me just say… He has a narrow view of reality. But it wasn’t his choice. Like I said he’s not stupid. But I met him recently to go pick something up from someone else I know in my old town. And he has Schizotypal Personality Disorder. When I stand close to him, I can feel his negative energy. When were driving on the road, he swerved at the last second onto the road going off the freeway to avoid “a demon”. He wasn’t messing with me either. And I guess just over the years, despite how… Just how fucked beyond all repair all this is. He genuinely views me as a friend. He didn’t know his dad was abusing me. It was so fucking crazy. It was happening right under their noses and they said nothing.
I guess my takeaway is that when we got back and I texted him he responded “By the way I can tell you really hate me. But thanks for trying to be nice”.
And he was right. I did hate him, kind of.
And we continued to talk for a little while and he sounded like he was about to cry. And now I just feel bad for him. He needs help. And he told me all this stuff about how he got kicked out of the military because of the way he was acting when his dad died and they had him committed to a mental institution. He isn’t a bad guy. He’s just naïve. And what would you do in his position? He also said “It’s hard to fit in with everybody else when I’m so different.” “Unique.”
And now he’s just been ignoring my messages. It’s been months.
And now he’s lost one of his only real friends. It actually makes me physically sick to say this, but we kinda “grew up” together, despite how fucked up his family was and what they did to me, we played video games and smoked weed together, and sometimes we even laughed together… It’s fucked up. It’s wrong to leave him alone and I don’t thin anybody else is going to help him. He needs therapy but I don’t think he understands what happened to him. He is Schizotypal but he doesn’t believe he is. I don’t know what to do.
is anybody here more tired than me?
I’m exasperated by all the so called political issues we deal with today.
In a world where hardly anything but harsh polemicizations remain I don’t know, where to go/what to do..
I think everything is flawed from the ground up. Can I just die.
Doesn’t it look kinda like a painting?
…Feel like something bad is about to happen? I didn’t get this type of feeling since right before the coronavirus hit. Something in the air, the way people are behaving. I’m not talking about all the BLM/cop stuff. Something different. I feel like we’re on the verge of some new catastrophe.
I think suicide is the only answer. I’m tired of living on a planet full of helpless bags of water who need to have everything spelled out for them. I hide the fact that I know I talk to myself without realizing if for 7 years. And what do I get when I come out. Most of these stupid retards don’t even understand what’s wrong. Dude. I don’t need people reading my thoughts. I know just because YOU don’t have them…
Anybody know any forums that mainly revolve around freedom of expression besides this one? I have some ideas that I don’t feel would really fit here or on reddit. Nothing too overly political, and not infested with trolls.
Basically I finally realized at the age of 25 that my scumbag vice-principle called me into the office in 7th grade cause he thought I was a potential school shooter just because of some dumb comics I made where the characters fight each other with swords, guns, and magic. It took me this long to realize it… I didn’t even understand what was happening when I was a kid or how sadly judgmental, fearful, and small minded the so called adults in my life were at the time…
Someone mentioned the best defense being not having any expectations… Here’s what happens when you’ve been pushed to that point that you no longer have ANY expectations for anyone… You have an epiphany.
An epiphany in which I firmly believe the capitalist viewpoint finds its onus, starting with the idea of embracing the idea of using your wealth to not only stay on top, but to also prevent others from climbing to your level BASED on this epiphany… Which is that people are thankless wretches, and if you give of your own will, they develop a hubris.
The capitalist realizes that there is no point in trying to make people see things from their level, when they’re so resistant to understanding, and that the best revenge against an undeferential society is actually to stop feeling compelled to enlighten the stupid with the expectation of being understood and to instead view people’s stupidity as an opportunity in the form of a commodity.
You’ll never go broke appealing to the lowest common denominator, and that’s why ‘the powers that be’ espouse this idea that things are equitable. After all, what are you doing when you try to explain yourself to someone? You’re trying to salvage your expectations. When you confide in someone you make a confine for an idea that can effervesce into something more. But when you’re surrounded by indolent morons who don’t understand what they’ve been given, your only choice is to capitalize on their stupidity.
I have my own thoughts that I won’t share, but I will say that it’s not a philosophy entirely without merit.
I think this may be one of the most profound things I’ve ever read. It really is you or your memory. I think I’ll try to remember that. Especially since only you live with your memory. It isn’t really a choice at all. On one side you survive. On the other you lose both.
I know we don’t share songs on here often, I just thought the lyrical content of this song was interestingly on topic considering the riots and constant shootings lately.
Someone made the observation that this place is less of a place to get help and more like a journal for their fucked up thoughts, or a repository if you will, for their suicidal thoughts and the accompanying bullshit.
In the spirit of what they said, I’m just going to give short versions of all the thoughts I wanted to post here over the past couple weeks and ask questions to accompany them instead of taking up space with a bunch of separate posts.
It occurs to me that suicide is the result of a complete lack of inspiration. Incidentally the few people I’ve known who actually committed suicide were easily impressed.
What else is suicide? Besides something like ‘a means to escape’? That one is obvious; we all know that…
I wrote something. I don’t know if it applies or not. “Insanity is inexplicable. It’s digging your own grave to keep yourself level, and if left unchecked, it can result in a near complete capitulation of the self.”
Does that seem true? What do you think?
Another quote from Khalil Gibran. It applies to the suicide of my friend. “Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding. It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self. Therefore, trust the physician and drink his remedy in silence and tranquility.”
At first I admired him for actually having the balls to kill himself, but when I learned of the stupid reason he died, I actually wanted to talk to him. To me this quote is similar to Shopenhauer’s “The more noble and pure a thing is, the longer it is to reach maturity” or however it goes… In short I was trying to tell him that he had a lot of potential and the weight of the experience he cultivated, or the tenderness of the understanding he gained, or something like that, was what was causing him pain. I dunno, if anyone doesn’t understand what I’m getting at with this one, it’s my fault for being lazy/not articulate enough…
Lastly, I wanted to share some music and ask if anyone had ever heard anything “darker”. The songs were Joy Division’s “Passover” and “The Eternal”. The second one is about a kid who was locked in his house his whole life, and when Ian Curtis saw him after 15 years he looked exactly the same and still lived in the same place.
I also wanted to address the elephant in the room for a lot of us who’ve been here for a while: The constant dumbass arguments on this site.
The reason this site generates so many arguments is because being able to generate walls of text without being interrupted makes people power trip since the interaction isn’t going as it would go in real life. There is no cadence, no give and take, no dynamic, and inflection and non verbal things aren’t being communicated. This is why I started ignoring people in internet arguments long ago.
So some delusional people naturally think things are going differently than they really are. We gotta remember that this is the internet, people.
I’ve been here for 7 years and I’ve seen how this site has now fallen victim to tone policing, etc;
It’s kind of annoying.
I don’t like coming to this site. I’m ashamed of coming here. If things had gone any different, I’d leave this dilapidated corner of the internet be. I’d like to view this site as part of my past. Ideally, I’d like to view it as an indiscretion. But it’s not. I keep coming back here.
And the reason for that is, simply, I seek an escape. I cannot simply blame my failure, my inability to commit suicide on science… genetics… cowardice… or circumstance.
The truth is the human body is resilient far past the point of logical survival. We’re pushed to the point of illogical survival. And as illogical as it is, the reason we’re trapped here isn’t because of fear… The truth is those of us who’re trapped here each have something that’s keeping us going. Something we’ve turned our back on and wish wasn’t there. To keep us “tethered”, in this world.
And since we can’t kill ourselves, it would appear the logical solution would be to turn around and optimize our situation to make life as least awful as possible… But we don’t. And for most of us, I suspect you can’t. Not that I blame the ones who simply don’t. We all know what it’s like to feel compromised. Tainted. To want things to go back to the way they were before. For things to be perfect. When you had solace, peace of mind. When things were normal.
As much as I abhor this paradox, it’s the truth. I’ve been here since 2013.