vagabond

is anybody here more tired than me?

I’m exasperated by all the so called political issues we deal with today.

In a world where hardly anything but harsh polemicizations remain I don’t know, where to go/what to do..

I think everything is flawed from the ground up. Can I just die.

Doesn’t it look kinda like a painting?

…Feel like something bad is about to happen? I didn’t get this type of feeling since right before the coronavirus hit. Something in the air, the way people are behaving. I’m not talking about all the BLM/cop stuff. Something different. I feel like we’re on the verge of some new catastrophe.

…

I think suicide is the only answer. I’m tired of living on a planet full of helpless bags of water who need to have everything spelled out for them. I hide the fact that I know I talk to myself without realizing if for 7 years. And what do I get when I come out. Most of these stupid retards don’t even understand what’s wrong. Dude. I don’t need people reading my thoughts. I know just because YOU don’t have them…

Anybody know any forums that mainly revolve around freedom of expression besides this one? I have some ideas that I don’t feel would really fit here or on reddit. Nothing too overly political, and not infested with trolls.

Basically I finally realized at the age of 25 that my scumbag vice-principle called me into the office in 7th grade cause he thought I was a potential school shooter just because of some dumb comics I made where the characters fight each other with swords, guns, and magic. It took me this long to realize it… I didn’t even understand what was happening when I was a kid or how sadly judgmental, fearful, and small minded the so called adults in my life were at the time…

Someone mentioned the best defense being not having any expectations… Here’s what happens when you’ve been pushed to that point that you no longer have ANY expectations for anyone… You have an epiphany.

An epiphany in which I firmly believe the capitalist viewpoint finds its onus, starting with the idea of embracing the idea of using your wealth to not only stay on top, but to also prevent others from climbing to your level BASED on this epiphany… Which is that people are thankless wretches, and if you give of your own will, they develop a hubris.

The capitalist realizes that there is no point in trying to make people see things from their level, when they’re so resistant to understanding, and that the best revenge against an undeferential society is actually to stop feeling compelled to enlighten the stupid with the expectation of being understood and to instead view people’s stupidity as an opportunity in the form of a commodity.

You’ll never go broke appealing to the lowest common denominator, and that’s why ‘the powers that be’ espouse this idea that things are equitable. After all, what are you doing when you try to explain yourself to someone? You’re trying to salvage your expectations. When you confide in someone you make a confine for an idea that can effervesce into something more. But when you’re surrounded by indolent morons who don’t understand what they’ve been given, your only choice is to capitalize on their stupidity.

I have my own thoughts that I won’t share, but I will say that it’s not a philosophy entirely without merit.

I think this may be one of the most profound things I’ve ever read. It really is you or your memory. I think I’ll try to remember that. Especially since only you live with your memory. It isn’t really a choice at all. On one side you survive. On the other you lose both.

I know we don’t share songs on here often, I just thought the lyrical content of this song was interestingly on topic considering the riots and constant shootings lately.

Someone made the observation that this place is less of a place to get help and more like a journal for their fucked up thoughts, or a repository if you will, for their suicidal thoughts and the accompanying bullshit.

In the spirit of what they said, I’m just going to give short versions of all the thoughts I wanted to post here over the past couple weeks and ask questions to accompany them instead of taking up space with a bunch of separate posts.

So:

It occurs to me that suicide is the result of a complete lack of inspiration. Incidentally the few people I’ve known who actually committed suicide were easily impressed.

What else is suicide? Besides something like ‘a means to escape’? That one is obvious; we all know that…

I wrote something. I don’t know if it applies or not. “Insanity is inexplicable. It’s digging your own grave to keep yourself level, and if left unchecked, it can result in a near complete capitulation of the self.”

Does that seem true? What do you think?

Another quote from Khalil Gibran. It applies to the suicide of my friend. “Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding. It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self. Therefore, trust the physician and drink his remedy in silence and tranquility.”

At first I admired him for actually having the balls to kill himself, but when I learned of the stupid reason he died, I actually wanted to talk to him. To me this quote is similar to Shopenhauer’s “The more noble and pure a thing is, the longer it is to reach maturity” or however it goes… In short I was trying to tell him that he had a lot of potential and the weight of the experience he cultivated, or the tenderness of the understanding he gained, or something like that, was what was causing him pain. I dunno, if anyone doesn’t understand what I’m getting at with this one, it’s my fault for being lazy/not articulate enough…

Lastly, I wanted to share some music and ask if anyone had ever heard anything “darker”. The songs were Joy Division’s “Passover” and “The Eternal”. The second one is about a kid who was locked in his house his whole life, and when Ian Curtis saw him after 15 years he looked exactly the same and still lived in the same place.

I also wanted to address the elephant in the room for a lot of us who’ve been here for a while: The constant dumbass arguments on this site.

The reason this site generates so many arguments is because being able to generate walls of text without being interrupted makes people power trip since the interaction isn’t going as it would go in real life. There is no cadence, no give and take, no dynamic, and inflection and non verbal things aren’t being communicated. This is why I started ignoring people in internet arguments long ago.

So some delusional people naturally think things are going differently than they really are. We gotta remember that this is the internet, people.

I’ve been here for 7 years and I’ve seen how this site has now fallen victim to tone policing, etc;

It’s kind of annoying.

I don’t like coming to this site. I’m ashamed of coming here. If things had gone any different, I’d leave this dilapidated corner of the internet be. I’d like to view this site as part of my past. Ideally, I’d like to view it as an indiscretion. But it’s not. I keep coming back here.

And the reason for that is, simply, I seek an escape. I cannot simply blame my failure, my inability to commit suicide on science… genetics… cowardice… or circumstance.

The truth is the human body is resilient far past the point of logical survival. We’re pushed to the point of illogical survival. And as illogical as it is, the reason we’re trapped here isn’t because of fear… The truth is those of us who’re trapped here each have something that’s keeping us going. Something we’ve turned our back on and wish wasn’t there. To keep us “tethered”, in this world.

And since we can’t kill ourselves, it would appear the logical solution would be to turn around and optimize our situation to make life as least awful as possible… But we don’t. And for most of us, I suspect you can’t. Not that I blame the ones who simply don’t. We all know what it’s like to feel compromised. Tainted. To want things to go back to the way they were before. For things to be perfect. When you had solace, peace of mind. When things were normal.

As much as I abhor this paradox, it’s the truth. I’ve been here since 2013.

Funny that you mention it, I’ve spent the last 7 years trying to get more “educated” about music and politics and learn something about the world and feel less like a little kid but I’ve basically learned nothing. Maybe I’ve learned one or two things about music. I know a lot about American culture/counterculture anyway… Politics still really don’t make sense to me though. It goes deeper than that though. I just lack the capacities that others have. How it feels is perfectly encapsulated in that song by Nirvana…

I’m not like them/But I can pretend/The sun is gone/But I have a light/The day is done/But I’m having fun/I think I’m dumb/Maybe just happy…

Does anyone else here struggle with understanding things like music and politics that other people seem to have a second nature for? It makes me feel like an utter idiot and it’s so frustrating that it largely contributes to my feelings of suicide

What do you think of this quote by Khalil Gibran?

“Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself”

Seriously, what’s up with all the writing off of and denying of people their suffering in modern society with asinine platitudes, etc;?

Why everyone says things like “But it made you stronger”?

If you were a child you didn’t need to be stronger. You needed to be safe.

I wish these assholes would wake up and smell the coffee…

I wonder if there’s a relatively new source to all this quasi-positivistic crap, from within the last century and a half or so.  I think someone posted on here about Freud’s nephew introducing the concept of creating a consumer society to corporations and the subsequent society we have today emerging as a result.

I’ll say it again for the people in the back. You can’t actually commit suicide unless you have one of several scientifically categorized motives. I don’t remember what the motives are, but if you’ve been here for years and you still haven’t done it yet, guess what? That most likely means you can’t because science. It has nothing to do with the size of your cajones.

You ever hear that song “Pushit” by Tool? Your poem about your mom reminded me of it. Here:

Anyone else think this race should just be wiped out? Mainly for its stupidity?

I’m sure there’s a scientific theory entailing why it is that only one bipedal, sapient race will rise to dominance on any given planet, like homo sapiens over Neanderthals. I’m also sure that on some planet somewhere there is a race of people genetically closer to their Orangutan type ancestors than their Chimpanzee type ancestors. For those of you who don’t know, Orangutans happen to be peaceful, solitary, and intelligent. Chimpanzees happen to be aggressive, tribal, and there’s a video of one pissing in its own mouth somewhere on YouTube.

And in case you haven’t guessed, Chimps are our closest ancestors.

Another dream of the apocalypse

It’s too bad I only recently discovered I pretty much need painkillers to function, otherwise I could’ve been one of the “cOoL kIdS”. While all those little bitches think they’re so cool for smoking dope in their mom’s shed, I would’ve been popping Oxys listening to Comfortably Numb in my own apartment. I’m 25 now. Now it’s gotten to the point where all those people ubiquitously share a tacit sentiment that says “Haha okay guys we’re adults now, it’s no longer time for that stuff. People will accept us despite what we’ve done because we’re all in this together, we all agreed we’d front for each other and watch each other’s backs, right? Our hoe phase/meth “phase” (LMAO!) is OVER now, we can be responsible adults… Right?”

I tried selling some junk (Not “junk”as in something you’d find laying in the stairway of a biker bar, just the lowkey kind of “junk” you’d find a college student doing) to some dickhead not because I like to sell junk, but explicitly because I needed money to move and escape the toxic situation I’m in and because he’s precisely the type of douchebag to buy that kind of garbage, and what did I get? A desperate and sudden sanctimonious effort to distance himself from me because he has a new girlfriend. You know, I guess the dude’s not that kind of person, “anymore”. Not that he’s changed. This is the same dude who smoked crack around a baby. Same goes for that stupid ***** I met in a psych ward who tried to have unprotected sex with me and didn’t listen when I told her five times I already have a girlfriend. “I don’t do that kind of stuff at all.” Yeah right, you *****. When I met you you weighed 85 pounds from abusing Xanax, you fucking whore.

I only ever pretended to be okay with the drug scene out of fear and peer pressure, you fucking scumbags. It just goes to show how hypocritical they all are that when I only pretend to act like them for once suddenly they’re all above me and goodie-two shoes and shit. Not that they’ve moved on. Not that they’ve stopped snorting ketamine out of stripper’s buttcracks or whatever debasing activity it is that morons do for fun these days.