I am trying to find the guts to cut myself tonight. I have never done it but thought about it often. I am scared of the pain but feel like I need a release.
It’s been awhile. I see everyone interacting to get through the difficult days. I guess I would like to feel connected as well.
I am sick of my story and it doesn’t really matter. The end result is the pain I feel at this moment.
Too much free time is dangerous for me.
I always say I am keeping my suicide card in my pocket in case all else fails. I always tell myself once things have gone too far or are unbearable I will have a way out. In the past it has given me the courage I needed to take a chance or operate outside of my comfort zone. Today is one of the days where I think about cashing it in and making use of the “card”. Nothing is easy I get that. Living isn’t easy but neither is dying. Attempts at either option can make matters worse. I truly am trying very hard to live BUT I don’t want to.
One of my biggest problems is I believe what people tell me. I want to believe them because they tell me what I want to hear. I hate being suspicious of someone’s intentions. I hate having faith that the next time will be different only to find out it’s not. I loathe myself. I often wonder if I would be better off if I re-discovered my inner “*****”. After I watched both my parents die of cancer (in the same year) I got soft. Too soft, I have too much compassion and tolerance because I know everyone is fighting their own battle. Even if they don’t mean to hurt me, pain is still the end result. That’s not ok.
I force myself to go out alone. It is a feeble attempt to pretend I have a life. Everyone always says go out meet people do your own thing. Blah Blah Blah. I do freaking everything alone what I miss is human companionship. So, I am out having a beer watching football. I am surrounded by groups of friends and families. I am jealous and sad. I look and wonder what it is they have I don’t that. I can’t be that bad, my therapist always said everyone deserves love as is. As is in the sense of big small issues or no issues. It’s not like we should have to try and overhaul ourselves. It is very clear from all the posts that every person here has something unique and valuable to offer. Such deep and introspective thoughts are shared here. Not everyone can do that. Maybe you have to be ignorant to have bliss. Take care all.
I hate the weekends. I have no where to be and the anxiety consumes me. At least during the week I have some responsibility that forces me to function and get distracted from what triggers me. Weekends remind me of my lack of meaningful connections and that my participation is not required or sought after. I often end up self medicating so I can relax enough to sleep or settle down enough to read or watch movies. When that doesn’t work I reach out to people who don’t truly respect me simply for some companionship and pseudo moments of feeling like I am part of something. Ha, even when the self medicating works I reach out to the wrong people because I convince myself that I am aware of the circumstances and can handle it. I convince myself I am getting what I want for the short term, I can deal with the rest later. Then I kick myself after the fact because I know I am being used. The constant internal battles I have are exhausting. I know better and understand my role in my own drama yet the compulsion is so strong I give in to behaviors for some relief. Ok, enough whining….I wish you all peace and serenity.
A documentary about depression and suicide. It follows a boy from birth to his suicide. It shows how powerful depression is. He started talking about and planing his death by the age of 5 and succeeded at the age of 15. It even showed that it was multi generational in his family. For people that don’t believe, you will see how strong the pain is and the struggle to hang on to prevent pain to loved ones seems unbearable.
Highly unlikely…… I know. But I am getting creative at this point. I have heard their teeth are so sharp you only feel pressure and I would hope adrenaline would take care of the rest. I could swim alone at the beach at night and temp fate lol. Shark week is coming up afterall.
I have taken my anxiety med, I am drinking a beer and watching True Blood. Trying not to give in to my compulsion to make nice with my ex. I am embarassed by my behavior. I need to sort myself out. I guess I relied on him as a way to get out of my head for a bit.
I am not mad but wish I was. So sick of taking shit from people and in the moment I feel so strong and empowered I give them hell. Ha, then a day later I feel awful even if I wasn’t wrong and I have this sick need to try and repair everything at all costs. I wish I could have faith in my abilities and when I make a choice in regards to my self respect that I would honor it. I am all over the damn place with the only constant being thoughts and methods if death. Started as young as I can remember and still continue. I am 40 now. I literally have no family and just one friend. Who is overwhelmed herself and I hate to be a burden. I want so little out of life. I don’t dream for any of the stuff like kids marriage money or other nonsense. I just don’t want to be painfully lonely, and be able to pay my bills. If I was going to get greedy I would wish for some diving in really exotic places. Money would take care of that but the minute my dive was done I would be back in my had again.
Both my parents died from cancer about 14 years ago, pretty much at the same time.I helped them both pass at home. Boy do I wish I had kept liquid roxy.
I have a sister somewhere in the world who wrote me off the last time I tried to kill myself at an inconvenient time. Granted I saved her from an abusive husband in Japan and several suicide attempts.
I am literally sitting here wanting to make amends with someone who hurt me because I simply can’t handle another loss on any level.
I swear I can’t get mad at people, I get mad at myself instead when they let me down or do something wrong because of course it would have to be my fault and I am getting what I deserve. There is a person in my life with several issues but I accept them for who they are or who I wanted to believe they are. It’s like no matter how they treat me I tell myself they are doing the best they can and I need lighten up. I feel humiliated for what I tolerate. Is mutual respect really too much to ask for? If you don’t want someone the way they want you don’t take them for all they are worth simply because you can. I feel grateful for people that have the time of day for me and I never want them to regret having been there for me. Things may not go the way we want in any given relationship but is it really necessary get as much as you can on your way out the door? I am broken, alone and all sorts of other stupid stuff yet I get out there like I can hang with the rest of them all the while being depleted of what little resources and my life’s energy. It’s all my fault, I do this all the time. Why can’t a jerk just be a jerk plain and simple and a rational self could say “you want nothing to them and you deserve better”
Ever had someone laugh in your face for trusting them? I never trust myself or my own judgement because my head is so fucked. Someone convinced me to give them a chance and that I was being irrational which is normally the case. Well tonight they literally laughed because I trusted their intentions and settled for less. I feel so stupid and so used and I am just trying to survive when I would rather be dead. I have prayed for death for so long and tried to kill myself several times. Why do I set myself up for heartbreak. I am not important to anyone, I am disposable, a spare part. What is it going to take? I regret every effort I make to try and rise above. It’s been so long I know better, I am over it. Please please please make it stop.
Why do I bother. If insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results…….then I need to stop trying and give up hope. I continually reach out and make efforts to improve my circumstances with the same fruitless results. I am so sick trying to find my place in this world and always getting shot down. If I don’t try and nothing happens who cares, it’s not like I risked anything. I need to accept my fate, my role here or lack thereof and just ride it out gracefully until there is a better way out.
A year ago today I tried an Amitriptyline cocktail. I meant business, i had a few days set aside so nobody would miss or bother me, left extra food for my pets, my notes to everyone, and what to do with all my stuff and things I wanted to donate.
I had all the ingredients and quantities needed because my psychiatrist was treating me like a guinea pig and always sent me home with goodie bags of serious meds to try. I have never been sicker than that time period switching between meds so rapidly I couldn’t function and could barely find my way home at times.
I have no idea why I woke up after all that poison. I did exactly as instructed and chased all the pills wth alcohol. I can’t believe how many I took. I remember waking up a few times and drinking more alcohol and taking more benzos thinking a bit more would finally do the trick. At one point I tried to make it to the bathroom but I couldn’t walk and fell down. That’s where I woke up a day or two later. I never even vomited? It boggles my mind. I never went to the dr but did have myself admitted to a mental health facility. The only lesson I learned is that there is no easy way out, I wanted to leave but for whatever reason I was not released. I often hope in the very near future peoples opinions would change and thus open some accessible and peaceful options for those who are truly ready.
Ever wonder if it’s so hard to get rid of depression because maybe that’s just who you are?
I know I have constant inner dialogue with my depressed self trying to be rational and prevent the reactive sabotage I know is inevitably coming.
If I have been this way my entire life why it would reasonable to think I am going to wake up one day and feel different.
It’s not for lack of trying. I have tried meds, counseling, exercise, support groups, going out alone to network, traveling alone since I could wait forever for a travel buddy to turn up. I really put myself out there.
I go to work everyday, And make sure to plan my breakdowns and attempts for holidays or long weekends so if it doesn’t work I haven’t lost my means to support myself.
Pathetic eh? Maybe I am getting what I deserve and that’s ok I don’t feel sorry for myself I would just like to end my stint here.
I am at the point I have already done everything I wanted to. That is within my reach anyway. Hope? For what? I have no family and don’t want one, working is hardly a reason to stick around. That’s all I do.
I love the sand and sea, but not enough to stay and I hardly doubt they will miss me.
Even at the end of a dream vacation thoughts of suicide start coming back out of their hiding place.
I have tried shamelessly to connect and create a life for myself and it just isn’t enough. The only thing I am proud of is how hard I fought and for how long. It has been 30 years since my first attempt. Even still I tried and tried to stay in the game and remain productive. Some people may have even believed the front I put out there. It’s not like I am going to wake up cured or be able I undue all the nonsense my brain has acquired along the way. Enough, no more rant, peace to you all.
I have an old friend who deals with suicidal thoughts on occasion. He told me today he was going to kill himself over the weekend but postponed until Wednesday. I know he has tried before so I have every reason to believe him. He said he tells me because I won’t judge and suffer from the same thoughts and failed attempts. Granted I never give anyone a “warning” to put them in a position to act or have to make that decision. I agree it’s a personal decision but when you bring other people into the mix the dynamic changes. So what do I do? If he doesn’t change his mind and succeeds I couldn’t accept that I stood idly by when someone may have been able to offer the support he won’t ask for. If I reach out on his behalf it will further complicate his life and I will no longer be a trusted friend/resource. Thoughts? I have warned him in the past that if it happened again I would take action.
I have had more and less, yet I have always been a miserable person. My brain is not right. I am not capable of sustaining relationships with sabotage or to truly “connect”. There are a few things I would postpone my death for but once I got to experience them I would not consider it worth living for. I date someone who has no respect for me, I am an option to them and worth keeping around albeit at arms length. I am embarrassed I allow this and often times pursue it. If it weren’t for him though I would not have any social life or momentary escape. Sometimes I am around him and I feel normal like I belong somewhere or am a part of something other than my isolation. Other times I get all high and mighty and tell him to stuff it because I don’t need his bs and I deserve better. Now if only I believed that. Then I end up “turning on the charm” to remind him why he keeps me around. I sound pathetic. I put on a good show, nobody would guess what really goes on inside. People that don’t know me seem to want to be around me, it’s once my messed up mind starts playing tricks on me that the sabotage begins. It seems I only appreciate that which I have to struggle for. Ever heard something about not wanting to be a member of any club that would actually want you?
Some say it’s all or none. Others say something is better than nothing. Which is it? I get so mad at myself for accepting the unacceptable, but when I cut people out of my life I regret it. I have no life essentially. No family, and one good friend (who doesn’t have the time of day for me because she does have a family). After being depressed for about 20 years, I don’t believe it gets better, I believe this is my life and I need to accept that. I am not meant to have or experience things that others do. I am right where I should be if I have to be here. I am not important. I am never a priority. If everything else falls through for someone I may stand a chance. I dread the holidays and weekends because I don’t know what I do with myself. I have tried to commit suicide several times and end up in worse predicament. I just lost my house over the medical bills for my last episode. If only I hadn’t been taken to the hospital for “help”. Go figure, that help dug me deeper. I want to try again but can’t imagine making this life sentence harder on myself. I am leaving quite a bit out but as trivial as it all may sound, the pain is real and debilitating.
The anxiety is back, I don’t know why. I just noticed that I feel nauseous all the time and now my hands shake. This is how I felt as I began sliding into my last complete meltdown where I had myself committed.
It’s terrifying when you think you can see it coming but don’t think you can stop it. I have managed to hold down a decent for 90 days now and my insurance is starting. The master plan is to see the dr. and take care of some health issues I have been neglecting. If I lose my jobÂ (like so many before), I lose my insurance.
This last breakdown I mentioned came when I lost my dream job after a month, lost an amazing boyfriend who helped through some severe anxiety attacks and I eventually ended up losing my house and had to declare bankruptcy. All my bills were medical and groceries, its not like I was buying designer goods, just surviving. I feel like such a loser with the bankruptcy, I took such pride in taking of business and being fiscally responsible. I now feel like I have nothing left. I am not referring just to material things but means to meet my “human” needs. I feel like my soul is starved.
My parents died 13 years ago and I am unable to maintain healthy relationships. I am completely clueless how to show affection, it does not come naturally to me. When I meet someone I want to absorb every moment possible to try and soothe my soul. I have actually been told that when people hug me they can feel my body go tense because I don’t know how to respond or truly feel it.
I can only have “fake” relationships where the man is getting all his needs met and I am not. I am most comfortable giving, reaching out, and accepting attention when it is from someone I know is not really “into” me.
I appreciate being able to put this nonsense out there so to speak. Any other person I have tried to share with cannot relate. Enough of my babble for tonight, I wish you all at the very least some moments of serenity.