Seriously the days are getting so hard :(. I don’t want to do this anymore. I am so sick of pretending to be happy and doing what I am supposed to. I know my life isn’t going to change. Tonight it took almost everything I had to not just run away and hide and start over alone. Seriously I have like no friends. No one to talk to and I am so sick of being alone and having no one when I need them. The only voices I hear are on tv. :(. I don’t know how long I can live in this sucluded life.
i find some days my desire to fight for life is almost nonexistent. Like today, I really just want it to be over. I know I have to now because I feel like it’s to close to the holidays. It’s like I’m committed till at least the first of the year now. 🙁 I just really hate everything
Hazy, remember when you said I should die my hair pink?? Well this happened tonight and I LOVE it. It’s not pink but it is so me! I actually feel really good! Thank you for being such a good person 🙂 you really do make a difference. Now I am sitting back and waiting on the backlash.
The only thing keeping me here is I really want to find myself again and see if I am any happier. So here is a really long vent.
6 years ago I was a teenager. I drove drag cars, I worked 2 jobs, I spent my days off working on my street car, I was a huge canabis smoker. I had a place to live and a room mate, and when I threw a party people came from miles around to be there. I would leave and catch a plane and go places on a whim because I wanted to get away. I was losing weight and working out every day so that I could have the body I wanted. I wanted that body because I wanted to decorate it with tattoos and piercings and be proud to show them off. I still was depressed but I wanted to live still.
6 years ago this month I found out I was pregnant. In December I would take my last trip. I would never step foot on a drag strip again, I took my street car and put it back stock and would eventually sell it for something better for kids. I stopped the drugs and drinking, there hasn’t been another party. I would by a real house, I took most of my piercings out. My friends would never talk to me again. I dressed in yoga pants and t shirts and I gained most of my weight back.
I became the person society said I should be as a mom. Two years ago I would have 3 kids and my youngest almost lost his life. I quit my job and became his sole caretaker for his special needs. I dedicated the past two years to doctors appts, living in hospitals, sleepless nights, and keeping 3 kids alive and a house up.
I was was married for 3 1/2 years and in another relationship for 10 months and other than that 10 months I have felt so alone. I no longer was referred to as me it was ALWAYS “hey you’re ******’s mom”! When people talk to me it is always to ask me about the kids. On the rare occasions I am out alone I am always asked where the kids are, never does anyone ask about me.
After my breakup I have realized that I don’t know who I am anymore. I no longer exist. Guys ask me “so what are your hobbies” or “what do you do for fun” and I sit and think… I do nothing. I have nothing. I don’t really enjoy anything. I hate the way I look, I hate my personality, I hate everything about me. I hate my life.
I sit and wonder if I try and find myself. If I start taking care of me again. Would I actually have the desire to live? Would anything change? I have 3 kids that I have came so close to leaving lately and maybe the last gift I can give them is putting me first as a last attempt to stay here with them.
I started gauging my ears out again. I plan to go get more piercings before Christmas. I am down 10lbs. This Friday I will be back on the drag strip! It’s still hard, every day is a battle to literally force myself to even care. Daily I want to give up (and have tried). I don’t want to do all this and at the end it be for nothing. It’s so much work and I am so exhausted. I just hope I can stick it out and if I do I hope it helps.
I think the biggest thing was my mom (who hated the old me) came for a visit and my son looked at me and said “mommy I want to be a princess when I grow up” and I replied without hesitation “and you will be the prettiest princess there ever was” . That’s when she sat back and realized she had never supported who I was because she was afraid of what society would say and judge me by. She looked at me and said “you support your kids no matter what they want, you stand up and tell them not to care what others think of them but you aren’t happy because you aren’t really you anymore”. My oldest loves to race and just got his first drag car at 5 years old, my son wants to be a princess, and my youngest I push that even with special needs can do and be whatever they want. I am there on the sidelines through it all telling them it’s ok while I’m hiding in a shell of a person I hate because I don’t want others to think less of me.
I I really hope I can do this. I want this more than anyone would ever know. I also don’t want to live and am still incredibly depressed and alone. I am miserable.
I hate nights. They are the absolute hardest. Everything is quiet, I have no family or friends. I go through my phone trying to find someone to talk to and no one responds. I scroll through my Facebook that I haven’t posted on in weeks and it’s all holiday pictures of families. It’s human nature to want someone to share your life with and I hate it. So I sit in silence in my room and read articles. :(. It’s such a lonely life at the end of the day.
First failed attempt was Monday night I wasn’t feeling particularly suicidal but I saw an opportunity and took it.
Last night i took took a few bottles of sleeping pills but every time I would stop breathing I would jerk awake and concentrate on breathing. Needless to say it was a miserable night.
I just want it to be over.
So I have posted I fell in love for the first time with my ex boyfriend. He went to work one night and never came home and he had another gf. He blocked me everywhere and said he never wanted to talk to me or see me again.
Tuesday night he sent me a txt that said “?” I did not respond because it’s been so long but I did check and I was blocked by him but could get on his gfs profile. And they were still together and happy according to her
this morning I woke up to a missed call from him. I didn’t know what to do. I love this man with every once of my being even though he destroyed me. Seeing his number on my phone hurt so bad. I txt him back and said “why did you call me?” But he works nights so I know he is asleep now. I don’t want to know why he called now. I don’t know if he is mad at me and I really can’t handle him being mad at me.
I went to check his gfs fb to see if they were fighting or something and I realized she blocked me but he had unblocked me. Mentally I can’t handle him right now. He is very headstrong and I know for a fact when he is done with someone he is DONE!!! He has never went back or even talked to any ex.
No man has ever came back to me #1 so I know that can’t be it but for some stupid reason I still have a sliver of hope. I don’t want to have that hope because I know that it will mean more pain. Good things don’t happen to me ever. I know I’m in for an extreme amount of pain and suffering now for the tiny bit of hope I just can not get rid of even though I know better. 🙁
I am really trying here. I’m trying to do things that make me happy. I am trying to figure out ways to make things work. My kids are going away for the weekend. I will be alone and I know what that is going to do to me. I will want to end it. I will be completely alone with no one to talk to. No one will txt or call. I tried to make plans but all fell through. The quiet suffocates me. I can already feel the pain. I know if I don’t figure something out I will try to end it and there will be no one to stop me or realize it for 4 days. That in itself should say how sad my life is. I hate myself and I hate this life 🙁
Today’s OCD thoughts are brought to you today by cheaters.
I have have been cheated on in every relationship I have ever been in and today o keep going over how it must feel. To be the person who has 2 ppl to choose from, a lot of times (in my cases) 2 people that love them.
I wonder what it’s like to have multiple people to love you?? I have never even had 1 person love me so it actually really is perplexing to me having 2 people love you or hell even WANT you. 9 hours this morning circling this idea in my head over and over. It triggers a lot of pain for me. I love my life (sarcasm font).
Spent the the last $20 of my money today on my exit (kinda a double doozy since I already had 1 exit planned) and a delayed texting app to notify my family before my kids wake up. Can’t afford to pay the rest of this months bills and I’m not on my works schedule for the next 4 weeks.
I was going to try an artery while they were at school but I didn’t have enough strength to cut that deep. (Also needed something much sharper). I swear if I chicken out or don’t succeed this time then I deserve to live in this hell. I’m over it. It’s leave now or watch as I lose everything very possibly even my kids at this point. I have struggled for 3 years but managed to always scrape by. Today when I went in to check the schedule and I’m not on it which means I’m out of money and will not have anymore income before Christmas wtf am I supposed to do?
I I am a miserable excuse for a human and my kids deserve so much better.
A happy ending is not in the cards for me…
I will never be the pretty one
I will never have the great body
I will never make enough money
I will never be loved
I will never be good enough
I see everyone around happy. I have given up all hope that a happy ending is ever in the cards for me. So I am just going to go through the daily motions and not worry about it. I’m just not good enough.
I had several really good days.. Until last night
Today is another day, I can’t shut my brain off, the thoughts circling around in my head I want to die.
Why don’t I just end it because I know how this works, I have a few good days and then they turn bad, very bad. I feel like the good days aren’t even worth living anymore because I never know when my mind is going to switch. I hate everything. I hate living like this. This isn’t a life, it’s just full of pain.
So this is going to be long and grammar has never been my strong point. Plus I cracked my screen really bad so it’s hard to type. Maybe getting it out will help, maybe not. Either way I have to try something to help.
I Had a rough childhood starting when I was 6 was when I first remember wanting to die. I never fit in.
Continue on and I never had any friends. Not once did a boy ever show interest in me (even the cute kindergarten crushes). I always felt broken.
When hen I hit puberty I gained a lot of weight and my mom decided to homeschool me. I was an only child so I lived a very lonely life. I hated it so much and that’s when I started cutting.
At 15 my mom and dad split and I was told they were “done raising kids”. I moved in with my uncle and continued with my homeschooling because I was to afraid to go back into the school system.
At 17 I moved back in with my parents and then when I turned 18 my parents left and moved 4 hours away (only 1 week noticed for the move) on my birthday. I was not welcome and I had surgery 2 days before and was pretty much on my own. 2 months later I went on my first date of my life from a guy much older I met online. He got super drunk and took advantage of me.
A few months later a guy I worked with showed interest in me until he cheated on me. I honestly don’t know if you consider it my first boyfriend or what. I started drinking and doing drugs because I didn’t know how to deal with my life. This is how I made my first “friends”. I started sleeping with every guy that was even remotely nice to me. It was the closest to love I had ever felt. I finally met a guy and we were friends for a while and dated for 3 months… At 19 I was pregnant with his child.
he cheated on me (in November) and started dating the other woman. I got completely sober. I moved in with my parents when my baby was 6 days old.
I I did the online dating thing again and met a man. After 3 months (1 of which we were separated) we eloped. I loved him but I never trusted him. He cheated on me 3 days after our wedding. 3 months after our wedding I was pregnant with twins and lost one early on (October 22). In November he cheated on me again. After having the baby he cheated on me again. We moved back to my hometown for a fresh start. When the baby was a month old.
My oldests dad and I were best friends. He was the only “friend” I ever had. Someone I could tell everything to.
In November I found out I was pregnant again. Birth control baby. I was devastated because I was done having kids especially with him. We didn’t believe in abortion and I considered adoption but since he grew up in foster care he was completely against it.
The baby had a metabolism issue and required a feeding tube and several hospital stays. None that my husband ever came to.
After having the baby he cheated on me again. (In October). In November the baby got sick and we almost lost him. He came to the hospital 1 time. The baby lost his hearing and suffered 4 strokes and had severe brain damage. I spent the next year having to leave my job and be at specialists every single day and several hospital stays and surgeries. My husband was not there for a single one. I drove out of state twice a week for special therapies to give my son the most normal life he can have
The next September my oldests dad was diagnosed with cancer. In November I caught my husband in the act with another woman and filed for divorce the next day. My husband had wiped out our bank account and left me with nothing. He never paid child support. My son was hospitalized in December. It was the first time my now ex husband had seen one of the kids and he came for 30 mins. On December 31st my landlords showed up at my house and called me all kinds of horrible names and threatened me with a gun and said it was my fault my son had issues because I obviously couldn’t take care of them since I missed that months rent.
I I lost it. I left my kids with my aunt and I drove 2 hours away. I wanted to die, I had every intention of dying. I received a message from a guy online and in his pics he looked like a douchebag. I drove to his house and we hung out and something about him was so calming. Like a peace I had never felt before. I went home after. Nothing happened with the guy, he didn’t even try. He asked to hang out again and again and we began dating. I fell in love for the first time.
Meh treated me like I hung the moon and his presence could calm my anxiety like nothing ever has. For the first time I trusted someone. I felt safe for the first time in my life. I didnt want to die. When he wrapped his arms around me I was always ok.
In March my oldest sons dad lost his battle to cancer. My only friend in my life.
In October my be never came home from work. He txt me he was done. He had found someone else. He’s in love with her and not me.
Most been 2 years since my son got sick. Since the last time he heard me tell him I love him.
It’s been 1 year since my divorce
it’s been 8 months since I lost my best friend
its been 2 weeks since the love of my life broke me in a way I didn’t know was possible.
But it has been a lifetime of pain for me.
I I have always been hard on myself and my family has never been shy to tell me I am fat or when I’m not good enough. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t do everything for everyone anymore. I am never good enough for ppl. I’m never good enough for myself.
I hate this time of year. I hate November. I really HATE thanksgiving.
I absolutely hate how I can push and try and feel a little better one night then the next morning when I wake up it’s like an elephant on my chest and I am depressed that I woke up. I try and tell myself it’s not so bad but the physical part of anxiety and depression hurts so bad, add in OCD thoughts it it’s like living in hell. Medication doesn’t help, therapy doesn’t help. All I want from life is for once not be upset that I woke up. To feel a sense of normal. I am jealous (and happy too) when people post how meds help them and they feel better. I wonder what it’s like? I am going to try force myself to at least get out of bed and get on the treadmill. Something in my life has to give.
I went out on a first date tonight. Which means I left my bed for the first time in a week. I’m not wanting a relationship and even though the guy and I are total opposites it was nice to get out of the house and have some fun. That’s a huge step for me. I seriously haven’t put on real clothes in months and rarely leave my house. Thank god for Chinese delivery. I feel weird coming home because while I did have fun all I wanted was to be back home in my bed with the iPad. It’s my safe place and no one messes with me and I’m not forced to have conversations with people and wonder if they like me.
My whole life I have been used and abandoned by men. After my last heartbreak I pretty much broke. I have been overweight most my life but once lost 100lbs. While I don’t have that much to lose again I think I’m going to use my anger and frustration and put it back into working out.
I am going to concentrate on me and my health for awhile. I want to get fit again and then instead of a relationship I’m thinking of escorting. (Not prostitution). I just need something to shoot for a goal. I can’t “use” people without their knowledge so this is as close to cold hearted as I can get. Sometimes I wish I could be like the people that use me and treat me like I’m just a pawn in their games. I doubt I will go through with it but it gives me something to obsess on beside ending my life.
This is my first post but I have been reading for a while. I have been trying to fight for years but I am so tired of fighting everyday to never be happy. I obsess over how I’m going to end it and when. I’m afraid of a failed attempt. I am so tired of never feeling good enough, having people walk out on me, and just not caring.
I hate hearing people say to just give it time or things will get better. I am 25 and it never gets better for me. I just want it to be over now. I don’t want to keep living with hope for a better tomorrow. I can’t keep going anymore. I just want to end it and hopefully soon I will.