Right now all I can think of is suicide. Â It is drowning me little by little. Â It will wear me down until I can’t take it anymore. Â Then it will win me over for good. Â I don’t want that day to come. Â But I just can’t help looking in the mirror and seeing what a disaster I am. Â I always question why I am still alive. Â My head tells me, ‘Just end this; right here right now you’re not worth shit.’ Â But then my heart says…
Well I don’t know what my heart says anymore. Â There is nothing there. Â Everyday my emotions seem to fade away little by little. Â Not giving a shit about anything or anyone. Â People think I care. Â But in a large scale, I really don’t. Â People think if I step out line, they can push me back into place. Â This time, that’s not happening. Â For whatever time I have left. Â I am standing up and saying no. Â Just fuck off. Let me live my life. Â Let me do what I want to do.
I don’t know how to be happy anymore. Â I have lost all ability to enjoy life. Â It is a hard task for me to wake up everyday and think positively about going onward with my day. Â I just want to say to everyone who is enjoying life, good for you. Â That’s awesome that you have something to look forward to everyday. Â I feel like I don’t anymore.
I feel like my boyfriend is growing distant every day. Â I don’t want him to suffer because of how I react to everything. Â I don’t want him to suffer just because of how my behaviour has changed to dramatically over the past 6 months of our relationship. Â Deep down, I know I love him, but I refuse to hurt him. Â I’m at a dead end. Â I don’t want to end the relationship, because I really love him. Â I just can’t seem to outwardly show it.
It’s becoming too much.