I had a cylinder of ******** delivered to my house today. A regulator and some other bits and pieces should arrive next week
And suddenly I feel really scared. I saw my psychiatrist last week, and he increased two of my antidepressants, which at least during the day makes me feel a bit better. That’s good, but I hate how I seem to depend on all those tablets, and I seem to be developing tolerance every few months, and then I need to take even more.
I am taking at the moment a ridiculous 15 tablets a day, 6 different ones, and then 2 more as needed. Shit, I almost rattle when I walk!
I guess that i feel scared shows that I am not ready to leave yet. So, I’ll hang in a bit longer.
But part of me is also scared that anybody finds out. A big cylinder is not exactly easy to hide. It’s only possibility because I live alone.
There were a few good moments this weekend, and I savoured them
However, my issue is not that I can’t get better, it’s that I cannot stay well.