people love me. My family, my amazing boyfriend, all my friends. but they don’t understand me. I just get sad. I had a hard childhood of bullyin. now I’m headin for highschool, and i guess I’m excited. but I come from a poor family so I need to work my ass off to get scholarships and stuff. the pressure is awful. one slip, one lil mistake of a grade or somthin and I won’t be able to stay in the world I am right now. and I cut. it feels good. my bf though has no idea how to react, he is soo sweet and he keeps my mind off of my suicidal side whenever he’s around but when he’s gone it punches me in the gut. it’s funny because I could lead a normal challening life and I can’t see to do it…it sux. i wanna die cuase I’m not happy. when i think back I feel like i was fakin things. like I’ve never been happy before. the depression is gonna kill me..
I may not have as many problems as many people here but I feel a lot of pain. I get stressed. I suspect I have disorders. And that amplifies my pain. As a kid I was a bullied kid. I seriously didn’t do anything wrong, I just acted different, and the kids around me I guess really didn’t like that. Now, I messed up with people again and I was really happy that I made friends but they mostly back stabbed me or let me down. They most of them don’t even realize it, they are so wrapped up in themselves. I’ve become isolated because only a couple of my friend actually understand enough, and I listen to so much music. I got my eating disorder, nausea and throwing up every meal under control under control. And I’ve stopped bruising myself. But sometimes, I still have suicial fantasies because I get convinced that the world is out to get me and every one is going to hurt me or disappoint me. But that’s only when I get it all built up on me, which is really good because I’ll pop and have depressed periods a lot more. I’m strong but sometimes it’s just so hard. What’s life for anyways??