When I climb the ladder and put the noose around my neck, that is the time I know there is no turning back and I am finally going to be free. Wow, finally free of this tremendous pain and the weight of the world.
Who the hell inflicted this never ending pain and piled this weight on me? Why was I picked? It really doesn’t matter anymore because I will be free. I will be free to soar like an eagle and finally pain free. Free to be me and rest in peace.
I know there are so many people that do not understand and many people are there to reach out and give me a hand. But nobody understands the never ending pain and weight. Everything you do is just a band aid, just a delay in the inevitable.
Stop trying to “save” us! Use your valuable skills and your loving care on people that can be helped and saved. The people who have had heart attacks, stokes, cancer, broken legs, curable and manageable diseases, etc. Help ease the pain of the terminally ill. But leave us alone.
We are not the terminally ill, we are already dead inside. The body is just a shell waiting to crack into pieces and fall to the ground. Let gravity do its job. There is still so much pain each time you try to glue a crack. Once our pieces are on the ground, gravity has done its job and our pain is gone.
We are not curable. While we may obtain temporary relief with your help and medications, you know damn well it is always lurking just around the corner waiting for the chance to attack at the slightest opportunity. Like a mugger in a dark alley, just waiting to attack and grab hold again.
This continued see-saw affect is no way to live. I have had some hours and some days of relief. Ya, it felt great, for a moment. But like a magnet being rubbed through the dirt of life, I will always attract the slivers of magnetite or iron ore. Clinging to me, more piling on with each pass through the dirt until no more will cling to me and I start to struggle to walk and breathe… All over again.
Then you come along, shake the slivers of iron off my body, wash me up and care for me. When I say I am better, you let me go. It then starts all over again.
Please let me go in peace this time. I really deserve it. You know?