I just wanted to write something down that somehow really pisses me of.
It’s not that I’m suicidal (I was last year, but now I’m over it)
It’s because I don’t feel like… yeah, like myself, somehow. I don’t feel like fitting into my life or into my body, you know what I mean? I don’t think I’m ugly or so, it’s just not MY body I think. I don’t recognize myself on pictures or in the mirror, I feel like looking at another person especially when I see pictures that were taken last year. I had long blond hair and used to wear pink or white skirts and shirts because I tried to adapt to the others and pretend to be a stereotype girl so that they would maybe accept me (what they didn’t do anyway back then).
When I got better and my depression were healed I realized that this wasn’t me and that they would accept me more if I’d be myself. Anyway I didn’t care about what they think about me anymore.
So now I have my hair cut, I’m wearing my brother’s clothes trying to look like a boy because that’s what I somehow feel like. I’m pissed of by all those makeup and shopping and romantic movies so many girls at my age are interessted in!!
Well I’m not completely feeling like a boy. It’s more that I’d like to have no exact gender at all. But I don’t know if I’m really agender. I kind of more feel like a little child that doesn’t even know about gender differences and such.
All in all for me it feels as if I was like a 3 to 10-year-old. Maybe because I was bullied since first grade so I kinda missed most of my childhood and now that I’m rid of that I try to catch up on the lost time.
If I see myself in the mirror I see an older version of my younger self. It’s kind of difficult and it annoys me that nobody would understand cause they all see the teenager I’ve never been (not even last year). I wanna be about 5 again and I AM about 5 in my mind but no one cares about that and everybody expects that I have to act responsible and serious and like a teenager or a grown-up when I just wanna play football with my friends (what they wouldn’t even do because they’re teenage girls and teenage girls don’t run around chasing a ball and shouting and laughing, they’re just talking and such…) I’m sometimes hanging around with my brother’s friend cause they’re around 11 or 12 years old and somehow cooler than my own friends…
Well, all in all it really pisses me of that everybody has high expectations to me that I just don’t want to measure up to and that nobody listens to me and that I have to sit in front of my computer while I’d rather be outdoors and run around, because nobody would join me ’cause everybody is different from me. And my parents don’t even try to understand, my mum calls me crackbrained and disordered and says that I’ve got problems and such.
I’m kind of annoyed that I can’t be myself. I want to restart my life and catch up on everything I missed in my childhood.