I picked up my blade for the first time in almost three months. The cut was deeper than ever and cleared my mind for longer than usual. Part of me thinks that quitting was a waste but the part that winces anytime i move my wrist says otherwise. I quit for one sole purpose, that reasons gone now so whats the point in stopping? Right, there isnt one. So here i go again to lock myself in the bathroom at just the thought of life.
..So maybe im being punished. Again I feel anxious and uneasy. This tends to happen when you’re gone. Usually I am able to control it with the reassurance that in due time you’ll be back. This time though it doesn’t seem likely. I feel like my world is slowly ending and there’s nothing I can do except wait. There’s no use crying anymore, no use wishing you were back. God, how i wish you were back. Its been almost a month since the last time your soft voice danced through my ears, and i smiled because the notes making my favorite soundtrack were you telling me how much i meant to you. I dont understand what happened exactly between the monday night you confessed my importance in your life to the friday evening after football practice when we began putting our clothes back on. I remember we both did it slowly and without sound, we didnt face eachother either. Maybe i shouldve listened to my gut feeling. Maybe i shouldve spoke when you turned around to look at me for what i didnt know would be the last time. Maybe i shouldnt have let things go so far or so fast. Maybe i shouldnt have thrown away my blade for you. Who would have thought that the one person who was able to make me quit was the one person who was able to make me start again? I really hate life right now. I really hate you.
You dont understand how i felt that day when you grabbed my hand and assured me it was okay. I could do nothing but think about what we were about to do, wonder if you were nervous too. My thoughts overpowered everything and caused my brain to shut off. Then you took my innocence and whispered soft, “it wasnt how i pictured, wasnt how i planned.” I hurt my head trying to process what you had just said. Its been me by myself ever since then, my finger on the button ready to push send. I want to tell you all my feelings, worries, thoughts, and fears- everytime i try, though, all that leaves are tears.
I replay our last day together over and over at least six billion times a day.
We had been back together for four days after three weeks of not speaking. You just got out of football and i was in the band room, practicing my trombone. You texted me and asked where i was and you waited for me outside. Then you saw me, jumped up, and followed me to our place. I like to call it our place because it was the only place we’d ever go together. The only place no one would see us. That shouldve been warning #1. I ignored my gut feeling and we continued walking. You put your arm around me, something you never do, and began whispering sweet things into my ear. The roughness in your voice alone gave me chills. We got to the park and went straight to our tree, you grabbed my wrist, turned me around to face you, and got real close to my face. “I cant walk any further without kissing you.” You whispered and softly grazed my lips with yours. I nearly melted before i spun back around and continued walking to the farthest tree in the corner, the most private. You caught up and we helds hands the rest of the way, something else we never did. When we got there, you layed down with one arm stretched to the side of you, your right, i took it as an invitation and gently put my head on it. You kissed my forehead.. once.. twice.. then moved down to my lips. You rolled your arm out from under me and traced the top of my jeans with it, balancing my chin with your other. Your hand moved to my thigh and you wrapped my leg over yours. We kissed, really kissed, before i stopped it and you mumbled how much you missed my kisses and how hot it was. I couldnt have agreed more. I was nervous, so nervous, and i hardly responded to anything you said. All i could think about was you and our future together. I could feel you getting bored so i offered to go into the bathroom with you.. We got up and went inside. Everything was perfect: it was sexy, cute, romantic. You kept putting your arms around me and just standing there pressing your forehead against mine. It felt like time was standing still and you dont know this, but, i tried to pause that moment. I thought maybe if i focused hard enough, everything would freeze and we could be stuck in that moment forever. Then you stopped kissing me and when i looked into your eyes, they trailed off to your pocket. You were slowly pulling something out, a condom. I looked back at you and you smiled my favorite crooked smile before quickly shoving it back into your pocket. What else you didnt know what that i already knew how far we were going that day, it was actually all up to you. So i let things take their course without protest and before i knew it, i was laying on my back on the floor in a public restroom behind our high school. You wouldnt even look me in the eyes, warning #2. The whole experience lasted about two minutes before you got up and began putting your clothes back on. You still didnt look me in the eyes. Warning #3. I mimicked your actions and did the same, still speechless. We walked out together and sat at a picnic table. You had just taken my virginity and you wouldnt even sit on the same bench as me. Warning #4. I had no idea what to say so i stayed silent and you got mad and left. I called after you but when you turned around, nothing could come out so you stormed off again. I stood there unable to move and watched you walk away. My best friend, the boy i just gave everything to, my protector, my first love. You continued walking and didnt even look back. Warning #5. I walked past you with tears in my eyes and you still didnt acknowledge me. Warning #6. I kept walking and walking and walking until i collapsed and couldnt stop crying. I ended up back at the park and went into the bathroom where an hour and a half before, i had given myself to you. When enough thoughts had gone through my head, i went home and waited all night for a call that never came.
Its been two days and im still waiting for that call. Its been two days and i havent stopped crying. Its been two days of endless worrying. Its been two days that i havent stopped thinking about you. Its been two days that i have known that i am in love with you. Its been two days too long.
Ive been sitting here in front of my computer for the past twelve minutes trying to decide what to write. I have this urge to completely spill everything from how bad things have been getting to the color of my socks. My problems are petty, i dont like bothering you guys with them because i feel lame caring about losing my best friend when so many of you have such bigger problems. I wish i could help you all. I wish i could help everybody. I wish i make every insecure person feel confident, i wish i could make every poor person richer, i wish i could make every insane person sane, i wish i could get rid of depression and bring back the people youve lost. I wish i could stop you from jumping off that parking garage or help you not be in love with your own cousin. I really hate everything right now. I also really hate how i keep starting every sentence with “I”. This shouldnt be about me, i want it to be about you. The thing is though, it needs to be about me. Just this one time. Just this one time im going to completely say what is on my mind and get it all out because im afraid that if i dont, my head will explode. So here it is: I have never been able to completely confide in just one person. Everytime im close to it, something happens and ruins everything. I think that happens to everyone, right? As soon as you think everything might actually be okay for once, it isnt. It freaking sucks. Thats happened to me so many times that ive learned to just not have hope anymore. I learned to not think everything is going to be okay because i know it isnt and honestly, thats a crappy way to live. I dont like living like this. I just want one person in my life to stay. One test that i take to get a good grade. One thing that i dont screw up. One day that i dont get into trouble. Just one good thing to happen. I need a sign that this isnt all for nothing. Im getting so close to giving up that im scaring myself.
In the last quarter of the twentieth century
much of the world sat on the edge of an increasingly expensive theater seat
waiting for something momentous to occur.
Christian aficionados of the Second Coming scenario were convinced that,
after two thousand years, the other shoe was about to drop.
And five of the era’s best-known psychics predicted
that Atlantis would soon reemerge from the depths.
To this last, Princess Leigh-Cheri responded,
“There are three lost continents: we are one: the lovers.”
In whatever esteem on might hold Princess Leigh-Cheri’s thoughts, one must agree
that the last quarter of the twentieth century was a severe period for lovers.
It was a time a time when romantic relationships took on the character of ice in spring,
stranding many little children on jagged and inhospitable floes.
Nobody quite knew what to make of the moon anymore.
Consider a certain night in August.
The moon was so bloated it was about to tip over.
For more than an hour, Leigh-Cheri stared into the sky.
“Does the moon have a purpose?” She inquired.
The same query put to the Remington SL3 elicited this response:
Albert Camus wrote that the only serious question
is whether to kill yourself or not.
Tom Robbins wrote that the only serious question
is whether time has a beginning and an end.
Camus clearly got up on the wrong side of bed,
and Robbins must have forgotten to set the alarm.
There is only one serious question. And that is:
Who knows how to make love stay?
Answer me that and I will tell you whether or not to kill yourself.
Answer me that and I will ease your mind about the beginning and end of time,
Answer me that and I will reveal to you the purpose of the moon.
STOP telling me its going to be okay.
thats your advice for everything
STOP telling me ive changed.
i know, it sucks
STOP telling me you care.
you dont
STOP telling me its different this time.
it isnt
STOP trying to make me stop cutting.
it helps me more than anything
STOP telling me i need to talk about it.
i will when im ready
STOP telling me this isnt healthy.
you dont think i already know?
STOP leaving me.
i cant take it anymore
STOP freaking out if i dont answer the phone.
im not going to kill myself
STOP breaking promises.
why make them in the first place?
STOP trying to make me better.
i need you to succeed
STOP believing im strong enough to get through this.
alone, im not
STOP assuming im “just tired”.
its obviously not true
STOP prying into my thoughts.
theyre mine
Just stop. Please.
I used to think about suicide a lot until i joined this website. When i read other peoples suicide notes or how sad they are, reality hits me a little harder. I dont know if i know any of you, i dont know who you guys are, but right now is the closest i have ever felt to anyone in my entire life. Youre all complete strangers but i feel like i can tell you all anything and literally trust you with my life. Because of this website, i have decided not to give up. Im still going to cut, but i will not EVER commit suicide. I dont care how hard things get for me, i will make it. I hope that by continuing living, i can help others. That is what i want to do in life. I will survive. I will help you survive.
I have this feeling. It starts in the back of my throat and goes down to my stomach. I can’t pinpoint exactly what it is, but I guess I can relate it to the feeling you get on a roller coaster. Not the one you get when you begin to plummet, but the one right before that. The feeling you get at the top of the hill when you start to hear the chains slowly go down and you begin to wonder why the hell you got on the ride in the first place. By then, though, it’s too late to get off and so you have no other choice but to close your eyes and wait. It sucks even more because you’re expecting it. That’s the feeling I’ve had consistently all week. Frankly, I’m getting tired of it. It’s the worst feeling in the world in my opinion, because i can’t get rid of it. You guys got any ideas?
It’s been two days since my phone has lit up with your name.
It’s been two days since I haven’t talked about my feelings.
It’s been two days since I felt okay.
It’s been two days since I’ve smiled.
It’s been two days since you’ve looked at me.
It’s been two days since I last cut.
It’s been two days since I last cared about paying attention in school.
It’s been two days of endless crying.
It’s been two days since you left me.
It’s been two days that my world has felt out of wack.
It’s been two days too long.
As you know, I’ve recently had to deal with some things that were beyond my control. All in this one week I got the closest I’ve ever been to anyone and then completely lost him. I was devasted and I’ll admit- a bit dramatic but I thought about it. I thought a lot about it all, everything. He was harming me more than helping me I decided. I just made myself believe otherwise. We all do that, live in our own worlds and throw a bit of falseness in every situation. It happens naturally. That’s why you can never really trust anything for certain. So due to my newly found reality, I’ve realized also that this is for the best. Maybe he meant a lot to me, but I’ll find someone who holds the same equivalence if not more in the future. I’m proud of myself for making this decision. See, we all have to face things in life that we have to decide how to handle and most of us don’t think things over before deciding and make the wrong decision without knowing. Sometimes we know, though. Sometimes we know it’s wrong or bad for us but we do it anyway. Guys, you need to start focusing on yourself. It’s cliche, but only you can help you. I care about you all so much and I hate for you guys to be hurting because it sucks.. and hurts. So today instead of a question, I want to leave you all with a challenge. I challenge you to do the right thing today, make a good decision. Just one.
Hey, guys. Everything super sucks right now. I think I’m in love with my best friend. He hates me though and wont talk to me anymore so I guess you all are my only escape now. Sorry. I wish things wouldn’t suck. I wish people had the power to get through rough times without leaving others behind. I wish Jacob and I could go back to how things were before we messed up. Oh well, I’ve got my blade and my trombone, that’s all a girl really needs in life right? Not talking to him is driving me crazy, oh my lord of the rings. I need him back in my life soon. He was my best friend before anything. So, everyone, this experience has made me think a lot. Mostly though, my question is, what is love to you? To me, love is going back to the same thing that has hurt you time after time and not letting it matter. Love is happiness and pain and giving someone the complete ability to destroy you but trusting them not to. That’s my opinion, what’s yours?
You werent supposed to leave me! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?! I need you most right now and youre leaving. Its all over. The passed three months were for nothing. We spent countless hours battling other peoples opinions of us still talking and we made plans for the future and we were supposed to go through this together. It isnt fair for me to have to take this on alone while youre free hitting on other girls. I know we werent really “a thing” but i mean come on.. after everything we did, everything we’ve gone through, its that easy for you to just end it? Especially now! It was supposed to be us against the world.. what happened?
Did you guys ever have that one person you always thought would be there for you? Like a lover or relative. Well mine was my best friend. He held me for half an hour while I soaked his shoulder in tears when I told him about my cutting. Hes promised me the world and a bright future. His names Jacob. See, Jacob and I, we have been through a lot in the last few months but somehow we always found our way back to eachother. The last fight we got into, when i told him never to talk to me again, he said “fine. but just think about everything weve been through. think about us.” from that moment on I knew he was special. Well, since that time, I’ve decided he was really special because now I think I’m pregnant. And hes the dad. And I’m scared as hell. The thing is though, guys (if you’re even still reading this), when I told him, his first reaction was “oh shit”. Alright, cool, Jacob, you’re real helpful you know that? I’m not writing this to bag on him. Im just really sad. I know this is big news but how could you leave me right now? You were there the night my parents wouldn’t stop fighting. You were there the night I wanted to run away. You were there the first time I cut. Why not now? Dude, I need you now more than ever. I can’t go through this alone and what better person to help me than the father and my best friend?I know it’s a lot to take in and I’m sorry for springing it on you. I understand you need time to process it all but “fuck it, I’m done”? Really? Thanks, man. Some best friend you are. Call me crazy but when you said you’d always be here for me, I thought you meant it. And all the “I love you”s? Were those just a joke too? I’m sad now. Really sad because it’s all over between us before it even had a chance to start.
We’re driving to some St.Patricks Day festival and my dads playing the radio. He keeps switching it from some song about getting money and banging hot chicks to some screamo song that frankly, I can’t tell you is about because it’s impossible to understand. So in goes my headphones and on goes pandora. That’s when I started thinking about all the other kids who’s iPods or mp3 players have saved them from having to listen to their parents flip through radio stations. It made me wonder what kind of music they listen to and why. Then I started thinking about before mp3s were popular and how the radio was ‘all the rage’. Back then music must not have been that important to kids. I mean I think about it now and I always hear teenagers and some adults talking about how music saved their life. Musics saved me in so many ways but at the same time it’s killed me. See, guys, I’m in my high school marching band. I used to play the flute. Then I met my boyfriend who played baritone and I switched. Now I play trombone. I’m telling you because if it wasn’t for band and my love for the arts, my life wouldn’t be so bad now. Yes, I went through a horrible teenage heartbreak. Who hasn’t? The point is, being in band has effected my life sooo much in more bad ways than good but I still go to music for comfort and saving. So guys, now I’m wondering what your favorite song is, who it’s by, and why it’s your favorite. Maybe we share a common favorite. (:
I really hate when someone tells me they want to help because they dont like seeing me “like this”. I would love help, trust me, but seeing me like this? What does that even mean? Everytime i hear it i stop and wonder if ive really changed that much over the passed year. Looking back to August i suppose i have. I guess my real question is is the change really that bad? I used to hate change, still do. Lately though, i feel like thats all my lifes about. My past has changed. My present is changing. And my future is based on change. The word alone makes me cringe. I dont know, im just thinking out loud here, guys. I do know that im scared, though. Im really really really scared and ive never had the guts to admit it to myself let alone a bunch of strangers over the internet. It feels good finally saying it. Im scared about the change to come. I made a mistake a few days ago and now im terrified to find out the consequence. I knew it was a bad decision while i was doing it, but i guess the urge to keep going came with the new me. Being scared is scary. I feel like at any moment, my world is going to crumble to pieces. I just have to decide when. Thats the worst part. Its like hearing from the doctor that you only have three weeks to live. Then youre screwed- youre dead. You suddenly start thinking about the past more and wondering if maybe if you did this one thing differently, you wouldnt be hearing these certain words now. So heres my question: what one thing would you have done differently?
“Small, simple, safe price
Rise the wake and carry me with all of my regrets
This is not a small cut that scabs, and dries, and flakes, and heals
And i am not afraid to die
Im not afraid to bleed, and fuck, and fight.
I want the pain of payment
Whats left, but a section of pigmy size cuts
Much like a slew of a thousand unwanted fucks
Would you be my little cut?
Would you be my thousand fucks?
And make mark leaving space for the guilt to be liquid
To fill, and spill over, and under my thoughts
My sad, sorry, selfish cry out to the cutter
Im cutting trying to picture your black broken heart
Love is not like anything
Especially a fucking knife.”
-the used.
When i was a kid, i thought i was happy. I always got good grades, had tons of friends, never fought with my parents. I loved life. Do you guys remember those days? When you called everyone your best friend and the biggest secret you kept was your moms christmas present. Im in high school now and i have one person that i consider a best friend, although were forbidden to acknowledge eachother in public, and more secrets than i can count. I feel like its even more dramatic how out of control my life has gotten because of my age and even more because of how fast it all happened. In a matter of eight months my life has gotten to the point where even getting out bed is something i have to talk myself into. I want to say i miss the old me but deep down i know that that wasnt me. So here is what i leave you guys with: tell me who you were before whatever happened happened and tell me who you are now. Then proceed by telling me who you feel more comfortable as and why. Maybe itll help me decide about myself?
It took one month for me to notice you.
One week for you to tell me you liked me.
Three days for you to ask me to be yours.
Two weeks for the fighting to begin.
Four and a half weeks for me to fall in love.
One day for you to change your mind about me.
Six weeks and four days for it to last.
Fifteen minutes for you to end it.
One week for you to find someone new.
Four months for me to convince myself ill be okay.
One month for me to find someone new.
And forever to forget you.
Theres nothing worse than when you want nothing more than to push the tip into your skin and slowly and painfully drag it across your wrist until the thin scarlet line begins to appear and you cant. Now im left with multiple reminders of my attempts that further remind me how i cant even complete a little task like cutting myself. Cool. Im going to bed.
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