I’m so scared. No I’m horrified, I need help. I burst out in a fit of anger and I was just so mad.. I can’t do this. Everything I do fails. Every time I’m finally happy it all come crumbling down. I don’t want to live like this. I can’t live like this. I scared my roommate. I scared myself. All because of some man next door. I work in a place where I’m abused and degraded every day. I come back to a house that I can’t even call home. I try and I try and I just can’t anymore. I know I’ll be judged. I know I’ll be forgotten. But my life is meaningless. All I am is a 20 year old that got dealt a shit hand and is ready to fold. I’m done with bluffing my way through life. I’ve got nothing and no one. I’m not smart, I dropped out of high school and tafe. I tried uni but I always give up. I’m not pretty nor even healthy. There’s a difference between living and existing. Maybe I should just tell all. Get everything I’ve bottled up out in the open. Write it down so for whoever finds me they know why the have to clean up that mess. Or maybe it’s a waste of time, besides who would even care
Im always alone, it’s better this way. Atleast that’s what I tell myself. When something bad happens there’s no one I can call. Something bad happened. And I can’t ask anyone for help, because there is no one. I’ve felt like this for years, I just want it to stop. I hate waking up depressed and wanting to die before I’ve even had breakfast. I hate not caring about anything I do or more accurately what I don’t do. And no one knows because no one cares. I’m supposed to be there to guide and help people. I’m not supposed to have problems. When bad happens I play hero. Bad is not supposed to happen to me. But it does and I suffer in silence, always. I wish to change and I’ve tried maybe it’s finally time. I’m honestly surprised I made it past 18 but I can’t afford to reach 21. Wether it’s today, tomorrow or the day before I turn 21 I will no need to disappear. There is no future for me, I have no plans, I’m no longer needed.
I need help, I know this but every one I speak to says it’s my own fault. I know it is really I do. I’ve got two and a half room mates I’ll explain in a second. One of them is great he’s a baker pays rent on time brings home bread for us to share, tells me if he’s going to have guests over for dinner, helps clean and maintain the house. The other is my older adoptive sister and her 2 year old daughter hence the half. She on the other hand left her husband before I went house hunting and joined along. She used to rent with me a couple years ago so I thought it would be fine. It’s been 2 months since we all moved in and because she didn’t have a job or Centrelink set up yet she told me that the applications had been approved and she just had to wait two weeks so I agreed to cover her rent and groceries for her and her child. She agreed to pay me back for it and to give me what money she could to cover… that was a month and a half ago and apparently she put in the forms the day we moved in. I can’t afford to keep three people fed and under a roof, I’m 20 now and I’m working 40 hours a week, my degrees gone down the drain and I’m in debt up to my eyeballs. She doesn’t help around the house and gets angry when I don’t make her dinner of a night because she wasn’t home. She leaves for hours at a time of a night no clue where she is and if I make her dinner and she’s had it she goes off for wasting food and If i don’t make her dinner she goes off for not including her and making her spend money on take out. I can’t win. I started this year in the best of ways and I was happy. I keep giving myself goals throughout the year to stop myself from doing anything stupid. Step 1 get a job, I got that done ok new goal. Step two go to uni, I got in and I was doing well. Step three get a motorbike so I can have transport. Ok done I now have my licence and finance on a bike cool. Ok step 4, find somewhere to live can’t keep sleeping on my friends couch. Done ok maybe a more long term goal because if things go wrong again I can fix it. Ok finish degree is a must, and go to Europe with a friend when I’m done. There that sounds good. I still have my job but I keep getting abused by customers the closer to Christmas it gets, I was punched a few weeks ago because I wouldn’t give someone a refund because he didn’t have a receipt or packaging. Like I said before my degrees going down the drain because I have to work so much. My motorbike got egged and then stolen two days later. So now I have to pay off finance on a bike I don’t own. Insurance said it’ll take six to eight weeks to even think about helping out. My sister spends all day watching law and order and criminal minds in the lounge room whilst barely keeping an eye on her child. I found her child on top of a book shelf watching tv in her play room when I got home last night, I had a heart attack and my sister said that she was fine with out barely taking a glace to the door way. My sister hasn’t tried to find work at all since moving in and apparently she’s waiting on Centrelink to approve her claim.. I just don’t know what to do. I feel so empty all the time, I feel like crying myself to sleep, I feel as if people only want me around when it’s beneficial to them. I feel as if I shouldn’t have been such a coward when I was 16 and just ended this. Every year, every god damn year I constantly try and every year I wind up back at square one. I just don’t know what to do.
I’m lying in bed, my dog can’t work out why I’m crying. Everything is getting worse. My foster family threw me out because my dog chased their cat, they think that the cat is dead because she hasn’t come back in a day. My foster dad is the one who let him out but I got the blame. They took to Facebook and the RSPCA got involved, they want me to surrender my beloved jax tomorrow. He’s helped me get though so much and now he’s being taken from me. I used to have two dogs but Oliver was baited a year ago. It hurt like hell to watch the life die from his eyes as I could do nothing and now my other baby is being taken away. Does thus world just not want me to be happy. One by one each pet I get is taken, one by one I’m left alone. What did I ever do? They’re good dogs, Oliver was only 8 months old and now the person I’ve called my mother for five years wants nothing to do with me. I guess I’ve failed… my life lines are being taken one by one and honestly I don’t know how much more I can take.
I’m surprised, so very surprised. Two years, two whole years since I’ve been here. My nights of crying alone knowing I’m not good enough for anyone, gone. I rose i fell, one again I rose and now as usual I am falling. I stopped crying for what seems like forever ago. I went to TAFE, now in uni. I gained a better job, I still have no friends. I haven’t been to uni this semester, I’ve been doing my assignments though. I just can’t do it, I knew this would happen. I gave myself a year and quite honestly things looked better, I didn’t feel it but I thought if everything around me got better then I would. I’m a proud godmother and aunt to three beautiful children, my adoptive and biological family somewhat tolerate me. What’s wrong with me, I don’t know why. Don’t get me wrong I’ve been accused of so many things over the past two years that weren’t true, family abandoned me time and time again, even now I should be happy but I’m just not. No matter what I do I’m told to shut up, but out, I’m useless, stupid, annoying. I know this but surely I have some use. Right? No matter what I do I feel as if my only purpose is to disappear. It’s like I need to disappear for the good of everyone around me. I fought, like hell I fought because no one was there for me. And still no one is, I watch as I try to catch up to every ones lives and I simply can’t. Maybe this is the universe telling me I was a mistake, maybe I don’t belong here or maybe my purpose is to disappear to help some one else realise their potential. That seems about right, I guess I’ll just have to think….
i can’t believe it, I don’t think I can make it to the end of the year after all. I tried keeping calm but I snapped and now I’m the bad guy. After every day they yell and scream and butcher each other and I stay in the corner and keep quiet. It’s not my place, it’s not my family but I just snapped they were yelling about doing things that my mother used to do and how they wished they could do them to each other and they threatened each other with those acts of….. I know it was said in the heat of the moment and all I wanted to do was go to bed I can’t I can’t they came in and yelled at me cause I just wanted to walk away I can’t I’m sorry
the screams in my head
the disbelieving voices of my peers when I call for help
I made a decision as the clock turned midnight on new years if this year doesn’t pick up I don’t see a point in playing
this game anylonger, I might even quit sooner, Im 17 and my life is hell. I thought my life was going to pick up and finally go my way. I got a job interview, I applied for some TAFE courses and I was three weeks ahead on rent. Then christmas came around, I was kicked out and my rent returned (thankfully) I spent christmas packing, they gave me a week to leave (which Im pretty sure is against the law but whatever). I moved into my friends on boxing day. Their mum and dad love me but I feel like Im intruding on their lives. The younger brother who is my age keeps trying to well… ‘make moves on me’ I’ll leave it at that, it gets so bad I have to leave the house or lock myself in my room. I begged my dad yesterday to let me move in with him but he said no and I started talking to my mother again but
like the rest of the family she tries to manipulate me into hating which ever family member she is currently hating.
IM NOT A PUPPET! Im not some doll you can manipulate into doing what ever suits you. I spent one day with her and she kept calling me names when she thought I coulnt hear her. During which it was my grandmothers funeral, what goes through someones mind to think that its ok to beat someone down during a funeral. I keep trying to make peace with my family one member at a time but I know its a lost cause so I dont know why I keep trying. I need help
but no one is willing to, even the ones who have it on their pay roll. Im sick of this game, I dont want to play anymore. I didnt want to play in the first place… I made some drabbles since new years, I think theyll do better here then in a hidden folder on my desktop.
where did good go
did it vanish in the wind
or melt with the fallen snow
is that why flowers bloom so pretty
and light up this broken city
wouldnt good do better
in the people it surrounds
so they can help others
get their feet on the ground
Good, please its hard to see
what your doing surrounding me
in this field of broken dreams
when theres no one here
to hear me scream
Litte black box
filled with stars
shrap as blades
or is that what they are
you give me life
but can take it away
your so contradicting
I hope you stay
River of red
Rushing down pale paths
Started by the stars
Controlled to move
to just where they are
A new development has arisen, not only do I feel like the world has abandoned me but it seems my few friends I have left have too. None have spoken to me since I was kicked out of school, the sister I spoke of previously was recently kicked out because she didn’t want to do the work involved for year 12. The school however gave her more help then they ever offered me, I was shoved to the side and told to leave however they gave her 2 months to catch up, they gave her a tutor and said she only had to do 2 of the 13 assignments she owed. She didn’t even try, I ended up doing one of them for her but no she only had to do one essay on how the elderly is treated in the eyes of the citizens and government. She later complained that no one helped her and the school just wanted her out, if I try to talk to her she screams at me and tells me she wished her brother never helped me get away from my mother. On that topic I took some advice and tried to talk to mother, she not only rescheduled 5 times, she later texted me telling me that I meant nothing to her and she was glad I’m gone and that her life is so much better with out me. I mean I try to stay strong for the 2 friends I have left but I don’t know what to do anymore, my friends have abandoned me, my mother literally said she hated me and I’m still being treated as a doll that has lost all its attention, not to mention that my meds are failing me and I’ve slept all of 4 hours in the past 2 weeks. I seem to enjoy solitude more and more now, I was once scared of being alone but now I dont want anyone to come near me for fear of getting hurt again, I know its just life but I cant help but wonder where all the decent people are hiding and why they don’t come out, this world could do with more good.
A/N: I’m sugar coating this because some points I refuse to go back too.
I was brought into this world, unwilling, unwanted. I have always been told my birth wasn’t planned. I was born with multiple issues with my lungs and heart, and I go to hospital at least twice a year. Since I was little I have had to look after myself and was punished if I didn’t meet my mothers standards “Perfection” everything must be. I was always left home with my drug afflicted father, mother was always “working” my family sees me as a trophy to show off to people and neglect when the shows over. I never knew how to use a toilet till I was 3 and a half because I had to teach myself. I started school a year after, a year too early and I was forced to repeat cause i was way too young. Mother locked me up for that, we had a bird aviary out the back which served as my home for that week, I was so scared normally i was belted for getting a B and i never got anything lower or if my room wasn’t clean i was locked in there without food or water till i cleaned it but that cage, the rusty wires and spiders served as my neighbors. In my second year of kindergarten i was bullied for repeating and i was constantly wetting myself cause i had never been trained properly to use the toilet. i was constantly left at the school alone until at least 6 o’clock, i became accustomed to the dark it was my friend. i would wait and wait until father came. when he did he would lie and say mother was going to pick me up, she never does. mother is at home when we return she yells at me for coming home so late and that i shouldn’t have run away from father, you can imagine how confused i was each time. Eventually father was getting better he was giving up his drugs and spending more time with me, he even bought me my best friend ‘Rosie’ and cute little jack Russell x foxy. I didn’t feel alone anymore, father fought back against my mother and how she treated me. Sadly that backfired and he hit her she pushed him to far she said she would kill me and he couldn’t do anything. Next thing I know fathers gone, 6 yrs old and alone again at least I had Rosie. Mother and I moved; I started at a new school where I was bullied on the first day for being aboriginal the school had separate classes for aboriginal students and we had to eat in the hall at lunch times. All we did was learn how to paint rocks and some basic addition and subtraction. I returned home that day ready to cry and let Rosie take my tears away. I went outside to find my best friend gone; mother came home from work later that night. I was crying my eyes out I thought she ran away, but no turns out mother gave her away while I was at school, she said I didn’t deserve her. We started to go walking of a night together, mother said I was getting fat. When we got home one night she yelled at me for not knowing how to tie my shoes, no one ever taught me how besides do second graders know how to tie their shoes? Anyway she belt me and left me outside until I could. It took hours of banging the front door and crying but eventually I started trying again and again until I could. When I scream I did it she came out and slapped me for waking her, she later slapped me for doing my shoes up the wrong way; I used the two bunny ears method however mother wanted the loop method but she let me back in.
~Time skip: Years of beatings and constantly moving later, we arrive in year 7 first day of high school~
I was late, 2 hrs late because mother gave me the wrong directions to the bus stop, she said things in life won’t be just handed to you on a silver platter. I had no time table because mother never told them I was going to that school, I thought I was going to be turned away but the principal and vice principal enrolled me then and there and gave me a temporary time table. They were so nice and supported me though year 7, 8 and 9 they were actually interest in me they really wanted to talk and listen. It made me happy but all good things come to an end. My mother married a guy who had a spoilt brat son, he got $100 a week pocket allowance plus any toy he wanted from a toy car to an iPad. I was being beaten more and more to the point I wore jeans and jumpers in summer, most nights I was denied dinner because my room was messy or my weight exceeded 65kg. I found it unfair, we had moved 2hrs away from my school but I still had to go to said school, it was because my new found brother went to school there so we moved. I never took food to school because it wouldn’t last the 2hr trip plus 3hrs till lunch. Atleast I wasn’t bullied at this school, I actually had friends that liked me for me. In year nine I thought I had made a forever friend we would skype every night he would call and I would mute him if mother came in, one day I didn’t have time to mute. He heard everything, I was in tears and pain it hurt to move I typed my usual “sorry I really had to go to the toilet” remark unaware it wasn’t on mute. He was horrified at what was happening, he hung up and said he had to go. The next day he grabbed me and pulled me down the hall until we were in behind the office building, he just hugged me at first I was confused, then he started to cry and said he heard everything. I went numb and horrified, I was always told that telling someone would make them hate me cause I was a no good liar and a fake. He said we needed to go to the office, I told him no. That night I tried to die pretty much, I had tried before but I always got scared or something would happen. Last time i didn’t take enough pills this time the rope broke under my weight, this went on for a year he would hear my mother along with two other friends every so often till one day my nans turned up. I had lost contact with them years ago but they messaged me along with my father. They got me out, I ran away two weeks after my 16th birthday. My nans took me in and my friends were glad I was finally safe. However it didn’t last long six months after living with my nans they got tired of my antics, traits I picked up so I could survive. All I wanted to do was stay in my room alone, but they said no. they were tired of me my novelty wore off, I was shy around people and just wanted to stay in my own world in my head. They sent me to my dads who fearing the responsibility of looking after a 16 year old called mother to come get me. I was scared I didn’t want to go back ever, so I sent out an SOS to all my friends. He answered and said I could go with him, I was happy he had sisters too, girls I could bond with and I thought he would have my back. After I befriend his sisters he left me. He rarely talks to me now, he calls me stupid and an idiot, he hates me and I don’t know why. With the help of a social worker I got a place to myself, my nans helped me move in and they apologized for kicking me out. However I’m scared to live there so I keep going back to his house to talk with his sisters and hope he will talk to me. I’m scared of being alone, it came to light that most of my “friends” hated me. Most of them became friends with me because of a dare that spread around. My nans haven’t talked to me since that day, same with mother and fathers. I doubt they would notice if I was gone. Its been a year all but one sister moved out and she only talks to me because I have money from youth allowance. I was kicked out of school because my grades fell and I couldn’t keep up. I don’t have a job because everywhere denies me. I now suffer from depression and anxiety and struggle to go anywhere. I know I sound like an ungrateful whiny baby but I just needed to get this out there tell someone with out them knowing who I am. I keep my happiness front for what friends I have left. Maybe I was better off with mother, I had straight A’s and heaps of friends. Now I don’t have any grades, no friends and I street perform just to get by. I just don’t feel anything anymore, I don’t know what to do I spoke to Doctors who give me meds that don’t do anything. I binge eat all the time now cause I can, I’m breaking and I just don’t know what to do.