All I think about is killing myself. All day I fantasize about dying or how I will kill myself. I don’t even feel sad that much anymore just numb. It’s the worst feeling to feel nothing at all.
I started cutting myself in 6th grade, I’m going to be a sophomore now. I used to not understand how people could do that to themselves, I don’t really remember the first time I did it, I know it started out as scratches and one day I used one of those razors meant for your eyebrows and cut myself. It was relieving and made me feel better so I have never stopped since. I don’t do it everyday, a few times a week maybe. I only do it on my outer thighs, but I used to cut myself on my wrist sometimes when it was cold outside and I could wear long sleeves. My mom has saw my cuts three times I remember. Back when I first started cutting myself and it wasn’t that deep she saw a cut in my wrist when I went to hug her, I told her it was the dog and she seemed to believe me. About a year ago I cut myself on the wrist it was really deep but I forgot about it, she saw when I opened the refrigerator and asked me what happened. I said nothing and quickly went to my room but she kept asking me but I never answered her, she didn’t ask anymore after that. Then a couple of weeks ago she didn’t actually see but I cut myself very deep on my leg and it left a huge puddle of blood in my carpet and I got it all over my clothes I think I probably needed stitches but I just put a big bandage over it, and when I took a shower threw it in the trash. She saw the bandage in the trash and told me that I better not be cutting myself. I told her that I don’t know what she’s talking about. She got really angry at me and she said was going to beat my ass for being so stupid and she said she was going to tell my dad, not like he even gives a shit about me but he probably would get really mad at me, she didn’t tell him though. When she was yelling at me I just went outside and walked for a couple of hours to get away from her. Why did she get angry, why won’t she help me instead of getting mad at me. I don’t understand why she thinks hitting me is necessary it’s my body and I can cut it if I want, that won’t make me stop anyway. She hasn’t said anything since, why does she think yelling at me one time is going to do anything. I want someone to help me but nobody will. I’ve told her before I think I’m depressed and suffer everyday but she won’t help me, so I just keep it to myself. Really if that won’t make her help me what will. I wonder what would happen if I showed her my leg and told her that I’ve been doing this for four years now would she help me or just tell me that it’s my fault for being stupid and doing that to myself.
Last night I picked up a bottle of pills and poured all of them in my mouth, there was about 40 in the bottle. I didn’t swallow them because I still have things I need to do before I can end my life, but in that moment I realized how easy I could end it. I was always scared to kill myself because I thought it would be difficult I didn’t know what to do. But when I put the pills in mouth I realized I could just go ahead and swallow them and end it now. I’m not as scared as before because now I know how quickly I can take the pills and end it. I don’t know if what I’m saying even makes sense but it brought me some peace to know that maybe it won’t be as hard to die as I thought.
I’m feeling hopeless. I hate my life, I hate myself. I want to get away from these people, my family. They’re all racist, homophobic, sexist, and just hateful people and I don’t want to be around that. Yet they make fun of me because I care about people, how can they possibly think I’m wrong and they are right when their views are so hurtful to other people. I can’t wait until I’m old enough to move far away and never have to live here again, but I don’t know if that can ever happen. I know it’s my own fault but I’ve felt so unmotivated to do anything, I gave up on trying at school, what if I can’t get into college or get a good job. What if I can’t get away from here. My life will always be shit, it will always be pointless, and I know that this is my own fault and I should try harder. It’s hard to see any point in trying being the way that I am, I just can’t be a normal teenager. I have social anxiety and I can’t connect with people, I got home schooled because of this, I only had one friend in school now i don’t have any. How will I live my life in the future if I can’t make connections with people, I’ll always be alone. I hate myself, I hate the way I look , I’m too ugly and fat to be seen by anyone, I have no talents not good at anything. I’m completely worthless, I’m a failure and everything is my fault, no one else’s. This is just pointless, my life is pointless. I’ve asked for help, I try to ask my mom for help but she doesn’t seem to care. I don’t want to be here anymore, there is only one way that I can escape because nobody will help. Why won’t anyone help me? Does she not believe me, that I’m suffering, that I’m in pain? Is the only way for you to believe me is if I end it? I wish I had someone, I wish someone would listen to me and take me seriously. I wish someone would help me. I don’t know what to do.