I’m afraid I will have to choose soon. Choose between suicide or dying inside long before I kill myself. It’s just… I can’t take the pain, so somehow, slowly, I just stop feeling at all. Pretty soon I won’t feel love, I won’t be myself anymore. Empty shell. I kinda want to die when still being myself… For the past week I’ve done some really nasty things, and had a lot of fucked up thoughts, and I’m not that person. I don’t want to be that person.
I actually wrote about this in my first two posts here, over a year ago.
“I almost forgotten who I am. In the train on the way back I decided I donâ€™t want to hide anymore. I donâ€™t want to die in the future not remembering what I feel to her, what I think about the world, who I am. Life or death, I have to decide.”
“Iâ€™m afraid that when I kill myself in the future I will already be dead inside. That not only she will be only a memory, that I will be a memory too. Just a sad zombie.”
So I knew it was coming… over a year, and I’m here, again. Maybe after another year I will come back here again and I’ll read my first post and miss… myself. And I won’t even be able to cry. Actually, even now I can’t really cry anymore.
I thought that not being able to live in this fucked up world was a defeat, but now… a true defeat will come when this world will kill all the love that I have inside.