A vast majority if my life as been spent sedate. Â This may seem like a bad thing. Perhaps it has stifled my coping mechanism. Either way the reality I the situation is this. when I was 16 I attempted Suicide. My parents foun me my stomach was pumped an I spent 9 weeks in the mental ward at the hospital, as long as another 5 months at a day treatment program. Truthfully at that time I wanted help. it seemed to me the more that I tried to use the services around me. The worse I really was, or the worse the people overseeing me thought I was. As I talked in group and private therapy my release date was pushed back. Once I finally realized that this was all bullshit and these people weren’t able to help. Nor did they really want to. It was their JOB, and I was treated like any unwanted job. Ehh I dot want to talk with Andrew. Â So I began playing the system to be able to remove myself Â from the “care” that was be provided. Shortly after I started acting better u was released and sent back to school. This is were I developed my coping skill that has made me this far. Substance abuse. In its simplest for it didnt matter what I was doing as long as it wasn’t reality. Reality had nothing left to offer me besides pain. Mostly pot and alcohol but I did become a Hudge fan of extasy as well. The years have come and gone. I’ve done all I can to starve the deppression to keep the suicidal thoughts and tendencies at bay. Mostly I was able to another six pack. Roll up another joint were good. I’m 30 now with a good job and life moving forward. The problem is life I don’t know how to deal with stress and events in life that make it “okay” to be sad. I fall I fall deep into this depression and I don’t pull myself out. I feel no one can pull me out. Regardless the substance abuse has stopped. I’ve made my mind to be clear headed and not let drugs and alcohol conyrol my life. My actions. But it has and I’ve nowhere to turn As these emotions these dark feeling once again take center stage. The beast he’s Hungary I’ve starved him and now he’s free. Free to destroy and relationship left in my life. Quite honestly the depression is giving way to rage at this point I’ve never been so mad in all my life. Over anything and everything. Have you ever been so angry tears steam down your face? This is my reality at least twice a day I go through these breakdowns Â Suicide is unrealistic at this time. I have set a date though after my life insurance policy pays out for suicide. Im studying ways and methods for how I will finish the job I’m leaning towards CO2. I’m not a fan of firearms for that just flat out messy and a bummer fir someone to find me. I move towards this date, my experation date, with joy. Joy because I know in a few short months I will be able to end this failed experiment. This rant that makes little to no sense to the common man. Â Inow spend my time in the job that I’m terrified to loose now due to the insurance that will be provided. And doing all I can to isolaE. As a people pleased my worse thought about suicide is those I leave the one who like life Â angry sad or whatever after my actions at leastI won’t have to be around to experience that
We, people who lack strength, keep doing the same things repeatedly. Weâ€™ve forgotten the feeling of being alive. We canâ€™t tell if we are living or dead. Do you feel that you are â€œaliveâ€ now? At this stage, only a thin line separates living and dead.Therefore the sayings, â€œlife is valuable, you should not commit suicideâ€, â€œif you stay alive, everything will have a turning pointâ€, â€œyour friends and relatives will feel sad for your death, so you have to stay aliveâ€ can all be put aside; these are not convincing anymore. The convincing words which can stop one from committing suicide vanish; the signal for committing suicide emerges.Yes, you can commit suicide. If you feel discomfort, resentment or even pain in your daily life at school or at work, you can take one step across that thin line into death. No one can stop you. Just like the previous paragraphs, nothing will change even if you stay alive and keep on facing these challenges. Although we donâ€™t have extraordinary powers, we can still tell what will happen to ourselves or to the society in the future.â€œFuture! Future!â€ Itâ€™s useless even as itâ€™s convincing. Your life will essentially be growing up and receiving your education in your hometown. Youâ€™ll enter a high school or university and fool around for a few years before you start your career in a local company. If you are a man, you will get married between the ages of 25 to 30 and have your first child the following year. You will face several changes in your occupation, and at most be promoted as a manager. You will retire at 60 years old, and spend the rest of you life enjoying your habits. Finally, you face death. This is what you will get. And depressingly, this is the ideal life in many peopleâ€™s minds.If this is the case, living an ordinary life is meaningless. You live as if you are the chicks in the farms, destined to be consumed in future. â€œYou are given the life to live. You are not living your own life.â€ Therefore, putting a full stop to it at a suitable time isnâ€™t a matter of feeling despondent, thinking that it wonâ€™t happen twice or fear that the decision will trigger off massive chain effects.
â€œordinary life is even more horrible than a war.â€ Yukio Mishima