It all feels blank most of the time. I am suicidal but i don’t plan or have a plan to kill myself, but the thoughts linger. I’m in the grey area, constantly In the grey area.
I don’t want a future, i don’t want to get a job and i don’t want to get out of bed each morning, i don’t want to brush my hair, i don’t want to eat. eat… eating is something that i haven’t done now for a few days. i have such disgust for my body and the numbers on the scale. i haven’t eaten and my body is so weak, I’m bruising easier and I’m so tired but i can’t sleep, yet i can’t seem to even have food around me anymore.
School is a fucking blur, i can’t focus. so many people expect so much of me and i feel like a failure. i feel like a fucking glitch In the system. and no one understands or gets it they act as if nothing is wrong. people are toxic. we are killing the world as we know it and people are more worried about likes on a social media app. social media really fucks up your mental health you know? i don’t know anymore. This world is so fucking cruel and disgusting i just don’t want to be apart of it anymore. My mum is the only thing that keeps me alive, i love my mum. other than that I’m already dead.
i always try asking myself to describe what it feels like and the best i can do is a Tv with static on, that mind numbing sound echo through my head every second. i want to hurt everyone i see and i don’t know if its just a reflection of myself. I don’t want to be on antidepressants, they’re so fake. like I’m faking happiness i never deserved in the first place. Im so tired of being alone but i push everyone away and hurt them. i try sabotaging everything good in my life.
I’m always so unsure of myself, i don’t know who i am. i feel like I’m falling constantly and that I’m drowning, I’m suffocating.
i don’t see myself making it past 25 and i feel like i can’t talk to anyone anymore about it.
but soon enough my personality will shift and i will forget this feeling for a few hours. i need help but i don’t want help. I’m watching myself turn each day into a disappointment and a failure to everyone. this life was never made for me. This is messy and I’m sorry to anyone reading this, i just had no where else to go
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