i post on there, the police are gonna read this and my past posts and contact my parents and tell them that i think about suicide???
i’m tired of people walking the fuck all over me. if you didn’t want to do anything, you should’ve just told me. that way we both could’ve been happy!!!
why do movies always have perfect endings? Why must they always give false hope that the person watching will have that fairy tale moment? Why must they make someone think that mabye this or that will happen if I do this or dont do this?
I’m so tired of always being submissive about any and everything all the time. I dont stand up for myself like I should but does that really give everyone an excuse to walk all over me.
When I was younger I thought that life was something filled with happiness, love, and comassion. I have come to the awakening that all it is, are unsatisfyed expectations, sympathy, and a dream unlike any other.
I bet when everyone was little, they dreamed of being popular and having a shitload of friends, and life goals to be presidents and astronauts. I wonder if they ever came to the realization that their parents were filling them with false hope and hoping that their children would be the greatest so they talk about them and how they’re better than everyone elses kids.
Phrases like with hope, hardwork, and dedication, anything is possible, and if you can dream it then you can achieve it, just turn out to be the biggest lie that I can think of. my parents tell me this but they’re dissapointed when I don’t bring all a’s home, they say I can do so much better and then turn around and call me stupid because I’m not the kid with perfect scores on everything.
My dream was to be a psycologist so that I could help people like me but when I told my parents they said that psycology was no way to go. Its like they want my life to be theirs all over again.
When I die I want them to know that they were the reason why… that they pushed me and the fact that they were never proud of me, no matter how much I tried to, really killed me on the inside. They always put me down and sheltered me, but would get mad whenever I ask to go somewhere and try to explain that because they are doing this to me that I am going to experience things way later than everyone else…
Why are they so stubborn? It feels like they want me to know that I will always be wrong and I can’t fix it….
It has been a while since I’ve posted on here. But I will make it quick because Skins comes on at 10… so in the last months my moods have been up and down but i also feel my depression setting in for a couple of weeks now but it just wont come like it usually does. apparently i feel lonely and i do… but i dont know why i feel this way and definately why my depression wont just sent in and then go away like it usually does.
September 18th, 2013….
I hate it when I’m in the middle of telling a story or discussing my theory about my life and my beliefs, someone comments about how prayer and religion will help me. Being a christian myself I do believe that there is a god, however (as ironic as it seems) we were all probably put here for a reason and who ever knew what it was. Most christains are hypocrits and believe that everything one does will se you to hell especially being gay or killing yourself. My mom tells me this every day. she thinks that i want to possibly kill myself be cause she saw that i had cut myself. even then she pulled Â me up to her bathroom counter and doused the wound with alcohol, and asked me if i wanted her to send me to charter lake, the crazy people hospital. she critisizes the way i dress, my hair, and especially the music that i listen to, she says its just evil and asked me if i needed an excorcism and to doused in holy oil/water. everyday she tells me that i will go straight to hell if i kill myself. the thing that she doesnt know is that i think about it every day.
It seem that my parents are partially to blame for the black hole the resides inside me. They say they want to best for me, but that includes me not getting to do anything….ever like the time I asked to go to the mall I asked mom and she said ask dad. You know what dad said???? BULLSHIT! Why he said this??? I have no earthly idea. They think its ok for me to just sit here doing nothing while the world goes by. When mom is working, dad is hunting, and little brother is with his friend and being 16 I should have a license but they don’t want me to drive. So I don’t and I couldn’t do jack crap. And they make me feel like shit all the time. My grades aren’t good enough. I’m mediocore. I can’t get into college at the rate I’m going. I can’t do anything right…..
What the hell am I supposed to do now? I want someone to kill me. I want to kill myself. I don’t care what happens. I just want to die. I would be happy if I could leave this earth. I hate it here. I hate my life. I hate myself. The only thing stoping me is the thought of anything going wrong. I have tried to kill myself before, but nothing happened. I learned some about trying to bleed to deathâ€¦you always stop bleeding after a while. I don’t want them to judge me because of my decisions. But I know that won’t happen. I just don’t want to be saved, cause it feels like something’s eating away at my soul. I can’t do this anymore. But I have to make it two more years. Only if they knewâ€¦
I know I’m lazy but its no excuse for what you do to me. You taunt me and threaten me with something that might actually help me. I’ll ask you this: why do you think I want to die? Of course you don’t know that I want to. You never bothered to ask if I’ve done anything besides cut myself for the past three years. The truth is, I’ve been trying to kill myself for a while now. Most of them were overdoses and letting my blood run free of its lines. But nothing ever happened. Which makes me think that I’m even more of a failure than you thought me to be. I failed more than you, I failed at everything else especially life. But in my 16 years of isolation in the hell I’ve learned that life is nothing more than one thought it to be. I mean all everyone really does is being born and dying. What am I to keep living if I am of no significance to anything that’s happening around me. why does only part of me want to keep living when the rest has given up for good? Why do I feel empty and unhappy with everything? And why do I feel like I fucked up?