I was 14 when I transferred to a high school. My life took a 360 turn when I went there because it brought me a whole lot of pressure. A new kind of pressure. I was an honor student. I had friends. But inside the classroom was different. It was a competition–a heavy one.
When I was a kid, I was an overachiever. My parents always encouraged me to be one of the honors. But when I went to this particular high school, everything seemed different. The learning environment of our school is unhealthy. It was too difficult for me. My parents have big expectations and I’m afraid to tell them that I’m tired and I just want to take a break from everything. I’m afraid to tell them that I don’t want to meet their expectations because school is suffocating me. I’m afraid that I would disappoint them. Because without my grades, I’m nothing. I can’t do shit without those numbers. I’m nobody without those numbers. That time, I realized that I was nothing.
At that time, I was so confused. I didn’t eat due to much stress. I didn’t have time to take care of myself. I stayed inside my room. And at that time, I didn’t realize that I was drifting away from my friends and family. I cut off everyone from communicating because I feel so tired talking to someone and faking my sadness like I want them to help me but I’m embarrassed of what I’m feeling. I didn’t know how to bring everything back. Me drifting away from everyone was seen as what a shitty person would do.
I was so confused at myself. I started to feel useless since I feel like nobody understands me. I felt like everybody left me. I cry myself every night hoping that I would feel better waking up. I was still restless. I was so tired. I didn’t have the motivation to anything. After waking up, I would whisper to myself ‘why am i still alive?’ It was so difficult. I was so miserable. I lost weight and I became unhealthily skinny.
At that time, I didn’t know I had depression. I thought it was normal. I thought everyone felt that way. I thought that this was just a problem that I could solve. But I was wrong. The sadness grew inside me as I kept quiet about it. I didn’t want to tell anyone–even my family members. I was ashamed.
I was ashamed that they would think of me as selfish. They would think of me as ungrateful. Or just wanting attention. They would think that I just focus too much on the negative side. And I also hate dramatic moments. I hate it when someone sees me crying. It just feels uncomfortable to me.
The thing I did was to put on a normal face. I tried to be a nice person to everyone. I really wanted to be a nice person yet they still think I’m shitty. Someone said that I don’t care about everyone because I am an ‘ignorant fucktard.’ They still spread rumors and gossips about me and it hurts. It really hurts. I just want to disappear.
There’s this one time where I’ve had enough of everything. I was crying so hard. I couldn’t stop the tears from falling. I was just so done of keeping everything a secret. All of the tears that I’ve been keeping has now been let out. I was remembering every shitty thing that I did. I couldn’t stop thinking about suicide and for me, it was the right thing to do.
I went out of our house. I sneaked. I walked for hours on the street. My feet hurt a lot but I didn’t care. I kept walking. I walked myself to the beach. I just wanted to drown myself. After a few hours, Papa texted me, asking where I am. Everyone was calling from my cellphone. Even my friends.
Papa saw me crying and he asked why. I couldn’t find an answer. I just felt so down at the moment. I was too broken to speak. He hugged me at that time. He kept quiet about it. My never spoke about it the next day. The house was quiet. I went to school the next day. My friends talked to me about it. As soon as they cried while hugging me, I broke down. We were at the back part of our school. We reconnected there. Filled the missing gaps.
After a few weeks, Mama talked to me about it. It was good that they gave me space. Finally, I could speak everything about it. I opened up about how hard school was for me, how I felt so different after creating a distance between everybody, and how I didn’t want them to be disappointed. After the talk, I felt lighter than usual.
To the present, I am trying to be a better person. I don’t want to be shitty. I don’t want to be an ignorant fucktard. I am still recovering right now. I’m trying to gain weight and I’m learning how to play guitar. Hopefully, I could make my parents proud by overcoming this.