i never really understood why everyone called me black through out primary, never really hit me till i passed out of 4th only sort of understand what racism what when i was in 5th. ( im 16 male turning 17 in 6 months )
failed most of subjects never liked to do anything got bullied more and the girls in my class basically avoided going anywhere near me because of my black ass face. lost 99% of my self confidence in 5th
continued to fail every subject ( just passing by maybe 10-20 marks ) and getting scolded by dad and mom through out school till today
iv almost got used to these shit grades i cant try any harder because i know im going to fail even before i start preparing for it. fucked up my board exams passsing with 10 marks in each subject in my old school . most of teachers hate me anyway. most people think i bunk classes because i dont want to study but really i dont want live at this point fuck studiesiv accepted im a really dumb black kid probably with adhd
iv learned to be as happy i as i can in front other while at the same time thinking of a painless way to kill myself. i can talk to dad like im happy while deep down all i want is death and to stop this endless cycle
the first thing i come out after 1 month i hear is iv become blacker while sitting in my house. and my parents ask me why dont you go and play outside? almost got caught sneaking myself at 12 am going to kill myself just made an excuse every night that i had a bad dream and still believe it the only thing i am is a waste of space
i wish i killed myself all the way back in 8th grade when i tried to climb the balcony railing and when my mom saw me i acted as if i was an immature kid when deep down i knew exactly what i was doing
and now my language teacher just kicked me out of her class cus i bunked too many since i got scared shes going to scold me since i bunked the exam
im pretty sure iv developed an anxiety of school at this point hits like cold water on your face in the morning before each class
fuck me fuck me why was i born with this face im pretty sure i should die