Not sure what to call this, to be honest.
I know I’m gonna kill myself this year, or at least that’s what I keep telling myself. And honestly, I feel almost a sense of relief when I think about it. I know that might sound fucked up, part of me still thinks it is.
I’m just so scared to do anything because it feels like everything I do is wrong. Whenever I do talk about my feelings, people just put me in a hospital or something- which, isn’t necessarily a bad thing, I spent a week in a behavioral hospital and I can honestly say it was one of the best weeks of my life. But after I was discharged, my life just got worse than before I was even there. I don’t want something like that to happen again.
I hate how whenever I bring up my emotions, people seem to switch to this alt. persona, and I hate that. I know other people might think differently, but I hate it, it feels like what I need to say is “wrong”. It doesn’t feel normal, and I don’t feel normal and I just want to be normal. But I know that will never happen.
Idk,, everything kinda just feel numb and meaningless. I’ve been depressed all my life and have been suicidal since early/mid-elementary. And i hate admitting that because even though depression doesn’t give a fuck about what your life is/was like and it could affect anyone, I feel terrible for feeling like this. I mean, I don’t really have a reason- home life is pretty good, I don’t have a lot of friends but people are generally pretty friendly to me, My family isn’t struggling at all. Yet I keep feeling like fucking shit, and it kinda just spirals into a giant shit storm the more that I think about it.
A lot of people tell me to think about the people in my life and about how they’d feel if I do kill myself. I know a lot of people would be left devastated, a lot of people would be upset, but now I just feel like I’m living for other people, not because i want to. And even then, people ignore me.
I think the biggest thing I’m scared of is failing. Like what if it doesn’t work? What kinds of consequences will follow? I know that I’ll probs go to the hospital for a little longer, guidance councilors will be up my ass. Guidance councilors aren’t bad, but sometimes they can be kind of a dick,,
But I’m not sure… I’m planning to do it sometime this upcoming school year. I’m going to allow myself another chance, but I’ve done this so many times I don’t think it would lead to much of anything.
I’m just so tired. I’m so fucking tired