Two month going strong. To months I had enough strengt in me that i could actually feel, but it was slowly deteriorating with every little thing that happened it took a little bit of stength away till i finally hit my breaking point. The point where all the pain caused me to go numb. I needed to feel something. Love wasnt gonna happen happiness was a long way away sadness has been around to much and decided to go on vacation. Even my good friend fear wasn’t around. My best bet was pain. As i sit in a room only dimly lit only by the light of my clock, I watch the blood flow down my pale arm quick like a crimson river in a snowy mountain. I cut again to feel the only thing i deserve to feel. Pain.
You know how sometime you wake up thinking for once it might actually be a decent day maybe even a good day. You have that unusual glimmer of hope. I got about 30 seconds of that. Most of my friends would say “its no big deal. So what your mom and her boyfriend got in a fight.” Back when i was little my parents fought all the time you’d think i’d be used to it. Especially the way my dad was. Strong with an uncontrollable temper and a jealous mind. In all honest that just makes it all worse. I wasn’t exactly “planned.” Im the product of a forgotten condom and a motel room on an august night. All the bad fighting started with me. So i blame myself. Now theres another fight and I dont even know that its about beyond the sound shattering glass and incomprhensable back and forth screaming and crying. Maybe if i wasn’t, wasn’t born, this wouldn’t be happening.
“Why do you want to die?” They asked before I was forced into therapy. “Was it the deaths in your family? How bout your parents devorce? Or was it being taken away from your parents christmas eve at 7 years old?” Well no. I had finally pushed that back in my mind until it was brought up. Now that was almost 3 year ago and maybe then thats why i wanted to die but now idk why. Maybe the social anxiey and depression ive developed. The worthlesness and pain i feel deep inside because thats all i can cause others. pain. so as i make another mistake and another slice in my arm just to escape the pain. I contemplate why i should take my life and the reasons to out number the reasons not too.