Maybe I’m just a petty *****, but I’m starting to run out of things that I truly can’t live out without. Family is something I can do without most days, as it feels like they just press me and nag me to do things that I don’t want to do anymore. Then the guilt of thinking such things presses me even more than they ever could. Friends? Once again, take them or leave them. I yearn for real conversation, but I also can’t do it. I drop hints, then lie about being fine. It’s a mess, but then again I’m here. The only real things that I live for are my music, and my summer job. It’s up there that I truly feel that I do have a family, one that I can feel welcome in.
It isn’t the summer, though.
That’s why this feels so fucking petty. Maybe I’m just being an emo ***** and lying to myself about my feelings. I’ve never been diagnosed, so I’m at a loss. I’ve been discouraged by my family to seek therapy, as it “doesn’t help”. I’ve thought of suicide more and more often over the past year, which scares me. I know that there are people depending on me, and at the same time I probably won’t ever do it. I’ve never harmed myself, unless you count starving myself. I deserved that though. I’m too fat, so mirrors are my enemy. Fuck, I’m getting off topic. Anyway, I don’t know what to do. Stuff is ramping up on all sides. The only safe haven is when I have my headphones on. But that’s a double-edged sword, isolating me until I can’t reach out anymore. I look at people and they either don’t see me, or just get a fake smile. Can someone help?