It’s been years since I was suicidal- and when I mean suicidal- I will do it, not just think about it. I’ve always been sad or depressed, and have always thought of death. But this is different. When you come to a point when you’re completely broken, you’ve lost everything, when you can’t even take a good breath of air bc your lungs and your body is so fucked up. When you’ve got nothing but a future of struggles and pain and torment waiting for you. When you’ve got NO ONE in your life- except for some nameless faceless people on the internet who are the only ones who will talk to you. When your life is meaningless, and when no one IRL gives a fuck about you.
If I wasn’t so physically sick, I could manage life better. But I am sick. And getting sicker every year. And I’ve got no one to help me. Everything is a struggle. Daily chores are a struggle. Dying slowly is torturous. If I was struck by lightning and was killed instantly, that would be mercy. Why give me life only to torture me?
This place where I go all the time was pretty busy (I usually go during the slower times). I ordered a “Full” (Large) and after a long-ass time, gave me 2 “Moderates” (2 Mediums). I was sitting across and tell the guy “no, it’s 1 FULL.” He talks to the other guy who brought out the bag and the guy takes out 1 box and 1 soup (so there’s 1 box and 1 soup left in the bag) and the fucking guy calls me over. I look at him like “WTH, it’s a MEDIUM in there. So I go up to him and I tell him I ordered 1 FULL. He shakes his head, calls me over and rings me up for a FULL.
I go to this place all the time- I am VERY limited as to what I can eat- so I didn’t want to make a scene. So I go home and open up the box and guess what? It is a fucking MEDIUM. But of course, I get charged for a FULL. It’s not even so much the extra price. It’s the fact that the fucker KNEW it was a MEDIUM but charged me for a FULL and kept telling me to come get the bag when I didn’t get up after hearing the other guy say “2 Mediums”.
Yeah there’s a whole lot more things to get angry and pissed about, but fuck. Don’t fucking LIE to me. If there was a mistake, why not just tell me there’s been a mix-up and either charge me for a medium or tell me they can bring me a full but I’d have to wait a few more minutes.
This was not the normal 2 guys that usually ring me up. Just really pissed. Like don’t fucking pretend it’s a Full when I HEARD the guy say it’s 2 mediums in the bag. And then tell me my order is ready and charge me for a full, knowing full well it’s a fucking MEDIUM. That shit pisses me off.
And bc of my allergies, I can’t just fucking choose to not go here. And normally the people are very nice but that one guy pissed me the fuck off. UGHHH.
And when I go up to the counter, the guy’s like “have you been waiting long?” And I said “Yeah.” If you KNOW you made me wait extra long already and the fucking order is a fucking medium, then shit, charge me for a small or something for the extra wait. Don’t charge me for a Full when it’s a Medium AND you made me wait.
And this after I went somewhere else yesterday and did a to go order, I go home, and they fucking FORGOT to pack ONE of my items. And I call and the person who answer was dickish. He’s like, “you’re welcome to come back and get it.” Like HELL I’m gonna go spend an hour and a half round-trip to pick up something that YOU fuckers fucked up. And they won’t take it off my cc saying “only the manager can do that and it takes several days for him to call you back.” Like seriously, WTF.
This shit happens to me ALL THE TIME, which is why I’m pissed. ALL. THE. FUCKING. TIME.
I lose so much time and money and when they fuck up my orders. And they’re always to go bc I don’t / can’t cook. And when you get a to-go order and it’s fucked up, there’s nothing you can do about it. Usually it’s they messed up something- like give me onions when I specifically said “NO ONIONS.” Or “NO CHEESE.” When you go home, there’s literally nothing you can do. You have no idea just HOW MANY times all these places fuck up my order. And how much money I waste or time I waste trying to pick things off or have to throw out bc I’m allergic.
Yes, rant. But when you pay for something, they shouldn’t charge you when they fuck up. But they do all the time.
The demons in my head are eating me alive. I can’t get over the mistakes I’ve made, the stupid decisions I’ve made. The heartbreak that was my fault.
What if all your decisions have been mistakes? Maybe we are in our own hell bc we unknowingly created it, with each decision we make or don’t make. What if we are so broken mentally that we are incapable of making good decisions? It’s not obvious stupid shit like we’re doing drugs, or choosing to drink, or not finishing school, or the like. I mean decisions we make that we THINK are good but really are stupid, and we’re too stupid to realize they’re actually stupid decisions?
I look at some people IRL- I can look at them from a distance, from a more “logical” standpoint. And I can see the mistakes they routinely make, the bad decisions they make, over and over again. But they can’t see it that they’re constantly making stupid decisions. What if we, ourselves, are the same? That we make stupid choices but are too stupid / myopic to see that it’s stupid, and thus we keep fucking ourselves over?
How can we stop ourselves from unknowing self-destruction? What if we are the cause of our own misery? And if we are too stupid to see we are making bad decisions, then how do we stop ourselves from making bad decisions? We can ask others, but what if we are too stubborn to listen bc we’ve heard the same shit from others? (think happy, blah blah). I’ve shut off input from people bc I think they’re mostly annoying. And bc I think most people aren’t all that smart themselves and they don’t know MY life at all- What if their stupid, annoying advice really IS the best advice? What if the best thing to do is to put on a fake smile and pretend everything is good and “think positive” and all that annoying shit? Does thinking negative ever help us?
I don’t know anymore. I thought I made all the right decisions, but were they all wrong? Aren’t we all our own worst enemies? I can’t live with myself. The demons in my head are killing me from the inside out.
I just don’t want to be me anymore. The “me” is too broken. And I’m too tired and exhausted to fix it. Not that I know how anyway.
Why? Cuz… life sucks. Or rather, MY life sucks. I wish I had an easier life. I wish I wasn’t so tormented. I wish I wasn’t sick. I wish I could go back in time and abort myself as a fetus. Even worse, I hate myself for being depressed and unable to move on with life. Life has knocked me down one too many times and I’m just to fucking tired (physically and mentally) to get the fuck back up. I’ve gone through so much already. How much more can I take? How much more shit is the Universe going to heap on to me? 🙁 🙁 🙁
Life = pain
The cruel Universe has won; Life has beaten me to a bloody pulp.
btw, SAF = Sad As Fuck
I so want a baby squirrel as a pet!!
The baby kitteh is so teeny! I want one!!
0:38 – Awesome!
0:47 – LOL!
Which one’s ur fave?
All these pics of cute kittehs! The SP mods must be like- why are there so many posts about CATS? Why are the CATS taking over?? hm, just had a random thought. Imagine if your cat could type? LOL. what would it say? 90% of it would prolly be “FEED ME” and “humans are weird.”
Random cat question- why do cats HATE water? Would they drown? This one looks like it can swim well:
You guys with cats should do a face off- post pics of your precioussss, and we’ll vote on which pic is the cutest of them all lol 😀
For those that need a little pick-me-up. watch this:
Normally, I hate these things called “little humans” or “little people” or “kids” or whatever you call ’em, but I guess *some* of them are okay. Some are even (*cough*) cute 😛
There’s some discussion as to what bah looks like. I’ll tell you what bah looks like. Here you go folks:
And while we’re at it, I found a picture of Cordless online. This is what she looks like after eating a hot pepper (…or after she’s done murdering someone with an axe…either or). Note the satisfied smile, and the crazed sleep-deprived murderous eyes… :
Which emoticon are you?
reading all the painful stories here on SP. The things that have happened to us (or currently going through). Life shouldn’t be this way. Life shouldn’t be this painful and sad and hard. I wish I had a magic wand to make all of it go away. For everyone.
There should be more love and kindness in this world. (Also less illnesses and diseases).
I don’t want to be a part of this cruel, cold world. But the only option is to kill oneself, an option that isn’t exactly an “option.”