(Ramblings; not actually seeking answers or replies)
Why does it hurt when I think of someone I love being happy with someone – especially a friend who betrayed my trust? When that love is so intense; when it makes me doubt if anyone has truly experienced it. when it’s the proportional context for everything else in my life. when for as long as I’ve had the blessing of having them in my life, them being happy was the only thing that has ever mattered to me. Given that, why then does it hurt to think of them happy with someone else?!
Because the person that makes them happy lied and betrayed me? Because I thought they were one of my closest friends? Because I was blind to and fell for their manipulation? Because it isn’t me that makes them happy? Would I feel differently if they were interested in someone who didn’t betray me?
Why when I see their avatar change to a heart and infinity symbol, I know before I would have only thought of my eternal love for them, but now can only think of them and this person together and how much I wish to reject this reality?
My feelings haven’t changed for the person I love, and I don’t blame them. I want them to be happy… or do I just wish I could make them happy? Before the answer was clear, but after everything happened I feel lost… I can’t tell if I feel this way because of the betrayer or because I’m no longer a friend to the person I love…
It’s so irrational – a type of irrationality I’ve never experienced before. To feel pain for the joy of someone I love. It shouldn’t be.
… and none of it matters because they aren’t here. It’s all gone. Fallen away. The world turns while I stand still.
I wouldn’t want to move even if I could. There’s no where left for me now. Waiting. I just want to go away.