I am so tired of my life and myself, my thoughts makes my throat hurt and the pain shivers down to my chest. Its so tempting to just ram a knife up my throat. If I ever get my own apartment I woulnd’t be surprised if I actually did something like that, I want to cut my guts out, bleed out and destroy myself. As many others on this place my urge grows bigger towards my birthday, I don’t know why that is.. but I suppose to me it feels natural to go out on the same date that you came in.. I also had some goals I wanted to complete before my birthday and of course did not manage.. Hard to know how long I should put up with my life, I don’t want to end up like the older people on this website with huge regrets that they didn’t end their lives 10-20 years ago.
It would seem that all of my plans and hope for a bearable future failed today, I wont bother with going further into details on this. I happened to have a meeting with my psychiatrist right after I figured that out and I just opened up and said that I cannot go on like this. I have to start preparations, my computer, hard drives, my room itself.. my online people.. things must be erased, those who knew me a little deserve to be informed if I go.. And now I am awaiting a call from an “emergency team” I don’t know what this means.. I don’t necessarily mind talking to anyone but I fail to see the purpose.. its all gone to hell.
When im drunk my conversations with people are way better and they all seem to love me. When im drunk music sounds better.. somehow I am a better poker player when im drunk.. I wish this was my natural state.. fuck..
Been drinking since last Friday, taken pills to sleep, got really sad on Sunday.. As usual. On Monday I went to work, Just an internship that after 2 months I realize won’t ever benefit me, a guy that’s been there half the time has already surpassed me by far. I’m above average intelligence, I’m strong, but socially.. I’m just the worst. And that matters the most, you can be stupid and weak but manage quite well in life if you have good social skills. Lately I’ve been seeing how others progress with their lives more clear than ever. I only have one local friend now, but even to him I’m probably a bit far down the list. It just occurred to me today, that I have no one I can tell how I truly feel anymore. I find it really sad, but a suicide will be a little easier knowing I am an invisible person, no ones first choice for anything.
I woke up quite early today, thought I’d grab the chance to enjoy The Witcher 3.. Turns out I should of slept away half the day instead. I dont know how but my most recent ex came into mind, its been over half a year but still.. Such happy memories, how can I possibly stop comparing what I am now, what I have now, with what I once had… Im over her, but I would like.. this kind of happiness again, with someone else.. anyway I know throughout our lifetime on this miserable planet we have our ups and downs, I’d like an elevator lift out of the basement.. Oh the elevator is out of order you say? I am too.
Hours later this day I was contacted by a friend, told me he had a weird request on the behalf of someone, sounded awfully weird I thought. Turns out my ex wonders how I am doing and would like me to unblock her for a bit. Sounds good doesn’t it? Wanna know whats gonna happen? Soon im gonna know what an amazing summer vacation she will have and how amazing everything in her life is, and she will take great pleasure on the fact that.. I am myself, by myself, with no plans for anything. Why do I allow her to do this? Why not.. if I can make one person feel better by being an asshole then at least I have done some good.