3 years ago, when I was 16, I was searching for a way out. Anything that would distract me from the gritty, overbearing teenage angst and depression that was engulfing me. I found this site. I would spend hours scrolling through the posts of strangers going through identical things to myself. It was a safe space for me. Because I had no one. In a toxic household with a toxic family, I’d dropped out of the school I’d started the year at. I started online school. Things were easier but I got to spend a lot more time in my head and my room and there came a point in which I stopped coming out. For days. And then weeks. And then months. And then a couple of years. On a different account, that I lost the password for, I posted a suicide note. And on my 17th birthday I took 20 pills. I stumbled into my house and my parents found out but I couldn’t throw them up. I recovered. At a price. I developed an anxiety so severe I couldn’t eat, it got to the point where i ate once a day, if that, and lost a shit ton of weight over the summer. After that, I felt like everyone wanted me. Boys looked at me more and I felt desired so I kept the weight off, plus it’s hard to gain weight back, i pushed forward, though on a path of self destruction. I whored myself, gave myself away for free, got drunk every night, I tore myself apart from the inside out. Ate myself alive. To try to shut my mind off. Then I got pregnant. With my abusive exes baby. I got an abortion. That did a great deal of emotional trauma. I got a new boyfriend. I’ve had him for almost a year now. I’ve had a few decent jobs, I began trying to live, because just getting out of bed and putting makeup on and talking to someone other than my computer screen was a huge step. My mind is still in a scary place, but I’m growing, I’m breathing, I’m meditating and evolving spiritually, Im slowly getting my shit together. If you’re reading this and relate to any of it, this is a sign. Pour yourself a drink, put your favorite outfit on, do your hair and pull your shit together. You’re a part of everything, and everything is a part of you.
Maybe I’m a psychopath. Maybe I truly am mentally disconnected from reality. Lacking empathy. But I want attention. After I tried to kill myself I just wanted to shout it to the world. Why did I want to do that? Why do I want to do anything? I’m useless. Oof, this is a hard one to swallow.