im going crazy these two days. i dont know why. I sent to ***** all of my Loves. Sitting all weekend alone by tv and being a vegetable. Tomorow i totally move out from my city and i will be living totally alone in a small city with no friends. I am going to quit my job at ambulance tomorow totally – i will even delete that one shift.. Somehow im deleting everything and preparing for a new start from 0. I just dont know why. I miss my friends and i miss attention, but somewhy im pulling myself to sadness black and dark period. […]
im here again with my problems :]
If You remember my last suffers it was by love.. alone and alone.. 4 years i was in love with my friend.. i divorced with my bf on spring and had very lonely summer.. Well autumn always bring me some adventures.. Always.
So after 4 years suffering and loving one of my best friends, i call him Love.. after half year deleting me from his life – we finally met. We sat, took lots of alcohol and were talking like always: from 19 p.m. to 5 a.m. 🙂 then he said for me thngs i was waiting all of […]
I always comin back on my black days.. Some of small comments always helps me a little bit..
I got knife to my back yesterday… New lesson of life: “never believe in people too much” “never plan too far” “never trust somebody too much”. My fucking roomie, he called me and said: “im moving out, i quit studies. bye”. It means i cannot rent this big flat alone, too expensive! I am going to Asia after three days – it means i have no time for searching and renting […]
Tonight i’m drinkin alone. Got a moldavian wine, italian food and english movie. What a mix. At daytime i was going home, was searching my passport – will go to international rescue mission soon. My dream came truth ! Far away, another continent, with hot firefighters trying to rescue people from eartquakes, bombs and so on.,
Anyway, when i was searching my passport i found a few boxes of old letters and pictures.. My boyfriend who suicided.. left so many love letters and pictures. 3 years past and i havent been on his graveyard. Today when i read those letters and everything i understand myself. He […]
last night i lost two of my patiens.. One girl jumped from 8th floor, another jumped from 9th floor. Well, i’m saying i lost both of them because first one doesnt has so many hopes to survive. Just 1 floor different and it’s that thin line from death. First one survived.. We took her from ground with all bones broken, all organs exploded, but… alive. As far as i know she’s in neurosurgeons hands. Second one lost job.. and didnt find new one.. so 9th floor – totally dead. One floor – one sure.
All im saying, what if those people could be taken for example […]
a couple of months havent been here.. Black and white days came and left..
July 3rd. I got a call from a friend… She told that one of our best friends in ambulance just found dead. Couldn’t drive, eat or think. I was totally shocked. He had 3 months old son and a beautiful wife who was married before half year.. And You say life is fair?! Now job became not so lovely.. Seeing his car, missing his laugh, support, his lonely uniform kills my heart. I am ready to leave ambulance and being one step from new job. My friend, he was super paramedic, is […]
[If there sits anyone in another side of computer and reads this, please wish me sincerely goodluck and send me some power.. in air..]
i came back.. i had a really perfect trip through Europe.. With all the world around me.. Hundreds of people.. Lots of friends.. Well i did say goodbye to my ex-bf finally.. We met and talked.. After all the suffer i told him all of my feelings (thanks god i got beer in my blood!) and he said sorry and that it was […]
Life seems to be like piano keys: black & white.. black & white.. We make decisions what cause a chain of actions. We make fails, we make victories. Nobody’s fault.
Jill Bolte Taylor, scientist in this video, made me think over my life and things around… Really good stuff to watch.
These days seems great – i bought a new car, spoke with my bro (made him apologize and little peace between us), my boss in job sent me to teach kids how to make CPR – it was great expierence. Before a few days boss saw me smoking in the yard of ambulance.. Come on! She […]
really pissed off days. Got a few shifts on ambulance these days and all of them was full of blood, shits and stench.
One call will stay in my minds for a long time i guess… We got a call “suicider” and went on a blue lights to her. It was beautiful 35 years old lady hanged on a rope in a bathroom. The worst thing – her 12 and 10 years old kids found her after came back from a weekend with dad. They divorces. She […]
Things going better and worst at the same time… I solved some of my problems, but some of them seems won’t change for a long time… My brother lost all control and using psychological violence against me. Its so hard to handle. I do everything for the familly.. But he keeps saying i am nothing,Â stupid *****, dirty, dumb idiot and so on.. He even keep saying that when my friends hear.
So sad.. Once, he was an idol for me. Now, i want to delete him from my life totally. Good that mother is dead and doesn’t […]
I have to admit – it’s a fucking bad bad bad day today. No mood. Wanna disappear like everyone here. .
Is itÂ PMS or i just gave up .. i have no idea.
Feeling alone , have to spend my last cash visiting ill father, because my brothers and sister doesnt give a fuck and finally i just feel ugly.
Didnt feel great in job also. And job always saved my ass from evthng. I didn’t love it yesterday. Didn’t wantÂ to help ’em.
Praying for my guard angel to fill me with power. My angel guard always saves my ass. Just need to find right words to […]
Good evening ladies and gentlements !
I am wondering and eating myself today…
Can You tell me, how do You fight with regrets??? Let’s say today i made a very fast decision, which i found out, was really wrong. It happens very rare, but i can’t forgive myself …
I believed that it was mention to be, but no other better thing happened.
I chosen comfort for my body, but my soul is crying. Also i left 60 people without medicine support for whole night (i’m a soldier and i have 48 h war paramedic’s duty).
How do you people kill your regrets????????
Hey people 🙂
today is such a beautiful day. Sitting at work and waiting patients. Finally sun came to my dark country.
I’m glad by myself – finally i went out if my depression mood. Now it seems funny. It took me 1 month crying and drinking, then 1 month standing up. Its not fair, love shits and lost boyfriend made me act like a dumb. I don’t remember i was crying last time so much 😀 I guess i was missing memories and good time together. He was really great man and will always stay my soulmate.
each relationship teaches me something. This time i […]
Hey here! It’s been a long time i wasnt here 🙂 Was pretty busy.
Anyway, talking about suiciding..
It was a beautiful first warm day a week before. We got a call that 56 years Female Intoxicated by Drugs.
Blue lights. Sirene. Speed. Running….
On the way i am wondering – is it worth to risk my own life (speed, traffic, cars, bridge) to help a suicider?! It is i guess.. you never know when 2nd chance helps!
We run to call and found he collapsed on the floor. Made her conscious and asked what happened. She was a nice lady… in nice flat.. with nice family… anyway, she said […]
Past a few weeks after crash with me and my Love. I divorced with him, he didn’t with me. Really insane situation. He still needs time and time after time making some short conversation, but as a real Black Scorpio i am living my life without him and not hoping anything.
Before this boyfriend i had a very very very very very big symphaty. He is so great: very funny, smart, working as a reanimatologist, so beautiful, but… usualy he’s just bastard – telling everything what he thinks and talking very dirty things. Last summer we’ve been dating, but he never kissed me as french or […]
Today i don’t want to live. Praying Mother nature to send me infarct, but i am sure my heart will stop herself.
My Love says he doesn’t know what he feels. Like he loves me and cares about me, but it’s a shit. He just woke up one morning and felt that it’s different. Distance took him. After all his promises and praying to never give up on us. He gave up.
He thinks, that he needs a month. If we will talk a month like once upon a time, when were just friends, then it will come back.. IS IT POSSIBLE?
I never cry for guys, but […]
Ah, it’s not going better.. 7 days. 7 days without my best-friend and lover… 7 days..
I’m just 7 days without him and i can’t imagine more 80 years like that… Why we couldn’t just be happy?
You guys are speaking here about wish to die and so on, but i am sorry… i am hurted as hell and when i type here i feel like i talked with someone…
Now, when i don’t feel any anger, black minds andÂ so on – all i do is remembering our perfect moments..
And it’s not good, because im going back to suffer again. But the good thing i’m not blaming […]
Things been fucked up more than ever. My boyfriend still can’t show any of warm feelings, acting like a snowman, can’t even make himself tell that he misses me and so on.. So finally i told him, that i’d rather choose not to have him, than having him like that. I asked him not to write me, not to call me, not to find me anymore..except he will find some feelings.. I just couldn’t take that coldness anymore.
My friend called at the same time, i was cryin.. so She took a food, bottle of wine, Marlboro and came up.. Feeded me, drunk me, poison me […]
4 days past from the time were saw each other. Nothing changed. The same cold, formal and painfull for me messages.
I still don’t understand.
Some people can do everything to get such love as i give.. I gave everything to him.. I took care of him. I love him every day. I support him in each step. I am always giving all attention. Telling compliments. Cooked all the time. Made him laugh. Had the best sex he ever had – wild, hot, like 6 times a day. Every day & nightÂ when we are together. His all friends and family loves me. Especialy family. I am […]