All day today I couldn’t help but let the sadness take over. It feels like I have nothing to live for anymore. Even when I’m around the people that once made me so happy and laugh so hard everyday.
I hate everything and everyone. It’s as simple as that. I do have friends and a boyfriend and I should be thinking about how they would feel. I just don’t. I feel like it’s all temporary, none of them are here for the long run. I feel like I’m in this alone so what’s the point of waiting until I’m actually alone? They leave me out and I’m pretty sure my boyfriend will break up with me any day now. I’m so ready for either a new start or the end. Both sound great. I just can’t live here or deal with any of these people anymore, it’s too hard. I have hurt a lot already and I’m just a pain to everyone.
It’s been 3 minutes since I walked through the front door and I’m in tears.
i knew I should’ve stayed outside, it took me a while to convince myself to come inside anyways.
I walked through the door and the second I do my dad tell me to hurry up and put my backpack down and go see him.
i went to go see my dad and he said he has stuff for me to do, I told him he has to hurry because i have a lot of homework tonight and he automatically got mad at me and started yelling at me saying I’m selfish and that I’m rude and disrespectful. I don’t understand. I just told him that I don’t have time to be doing other things.
I walk to my room and just break down. I’ve already had a shitty day at school but somehow that is a perfect day compared to being in this house. He never stopped yelling at me, he still is right now.
This is a daily routine and I’m not sure how much longer I can live with this. I’m miserable at school and even more at home. I have nothing to look forward to anymore.
I got to school late today, I walked in and there were kids flooding the hallways, I just had my earbuds in and I was walking. All I could hear was my music and it’s amazing, nobody cares and that’s just the cold hard truth. They look at me and they avoid me because I am apparently “hard to approach.” It’s amazing cus I just as easily walked passed my boyfriend and all my friends, but nope not a single head turned my way. Nobody notices me. It would be like that if I were dead too cus I’m just that girl with pink hair or the girl who is always reading or I’m that quiet girl that stopped talking out of the blue. Everything was a secret cry for help. The teachers spend so much time talking about how students should look out for one another and how you can tell when somebody’s depressed even if they’re smiling. That’s not true because nobody noticed when I cut my hair super short, when I started to shut up, when I gave my stuff away, nobody noticed when I became lonely in a crowd of people. And I get it, I can’t depend on others to notice my little signals and I know I should spend on myself but leaning on something broken will eventually make you fall. I’m that broken something. If I lean on myself, I’m gonna fall. Instead of the floor, it will be off a cliff into the ocean or something. Part of me thinks that if somebody cared or noticed, it will change everything. Like everything will all of a sudden be so much better and life will be worth living. I know it’s far fetched but right now, that thought, the false hope, that is the only thing keeping me alive. That doesnt scare me anymore.
A guy from my school recently killed himself and it brought back my suicidal thoughts. It made me remember everything and now I just can’t get it out of my head. I want to just finally end it all. It seems so much better. I mean I just hate my life, I literally hate it. I can’t live this life anymore and I can’t sit here waiting for somebody to realize it and suddenly care