The world breaks you: they say it makes you stronger
But I just realised we are just broke pieces and the only reason we’re stronger is because you cannot break the broken.
There is a part of me that feels numb; not dead . And I don’t know if that’s any better, because numbness can be beaten by an awakening right?
But then I think of funerals and how the dead are described as their own habits, how every speech is the same and I wonder if that person in the grave was once numb too. That life had finally brought them to their knees and their morning routine was acceptance and night routine was a longing to be set free from tomorrow.
Is numbness life or the beginning of death, being forcefully fed your reality and having to except that this is all there is to your story. You cannot be greedy and want more. You won’t get more.
But that’s what numbness is right? Not wanting more anymore. Not wanting to be a princess being rescued and not wanting to listen to motivational speakers that speak of their awakening and how its possible for you too; not wanting it to be possible for you too…and mostly not wanting to find a reason to wake up.
People don’t tell you how being numb makes you abhor any emotion or feeling. A raging war within you to turn off any light you relied on and finally letting the dark consume you.
I want that. I wanted it to consume me, because then maybe I’d give up hope, the only feeling that was stubborn enough to not be consumed by the dark. Don’t get me wrong this is not a Lightness conquers darkness speech.
Hope is neutral, it never takes any side, it’s in between and the only side it takes is yours. It’s the only feeling that is true to you, that already knows what you want without having to process it to your heart or mind. And I wonder why it isn’t worshipped as much as love is.
Hope can never be love though , it’s too selfish to give anyone any sort of power over you. This is the feeling I cling to , not of light or dark , but of a possibility
I don’t use that word a lot and it is ironic because it describes my whole being. I still deny it now because of the train of words that it Carries in society [Attention seeker; influenced; unappreciative; ill]
I’d like to think none of the words describe my state rn. I don’t think anything describes my state. I’m utterly numb; I don’t choose to be sad but I plainly am. I know I’m sad because nothing excite me anymore; everything just seems to be a passer of time. I do my best to make people believe I’m okay; because I don’t want any attention. Everything triggers me and being alive rn feels like wearing a gas mask filled with oxygen. It is like being forced to breathe, to wake up, to talk.
I want to disappear into nothingness. To simply disappear without going to an alternate universe or my energy being transformed to another energy. I want to simply disappear fully, not in an almost way where I end up in hospital and I’m questioned (why or how) ; just a definite disappea. No goodbyes No Explanations
I just registered here because I read that this place is sort of “mystical” and I guess a part of me is trying to cling on to any hope that keeps me from wanting to actually act on my suicidal thoughts.
Then I realized that suicide isn’t “mystical” and the people who are/were suicidal know that isn’t the best word to describe it. Suicide isn’t beautiful or interesting; its destructive /repulsive and deserves no respect whatsoever. Feeling like ending your life isn’t poetic .
I don’t know why I actually signed up here; I don’t know if it’ll help, but I do know that I need saving grace and I would rather lie on my deathbed knowing I did everything to try and save myself.