its been a year since it all started… was gona say its not gona be easy having all the memories hit me again, but i will manage i guess… i dont know, all i wanted was to be busy enough so i dont have time to think it through, although i know i have to think it through and itll hurt less every year. Being busy is quite a hard job, thinking that everybody i know has a partner and doesnt have time for me so im not sure how can i be busy enough and wont stress out. it just started and im already freaking out.
Anyway just venting, im hoping im strong enough and i know i have to go through it. thank you for reading !
…that maybe what makes me stay is knowing that I can go whenever I want or feel like going!
…that that gives me Peace and Strenght to go on!
…that suicide thoughts matured me enough to look around like I was already dead!
…and that I feel like a spirit most of the time…
I’m happy this way, I don’t want to belong!
I’ll surf Â Life’s waves as they approach me…
<3 u all, blahh
any news from catchthebus? stopped replying to my emails… just want closure please. thanks
Im back for a little while with a just passing by. I want to say things have changed but suicide is like a virus without cure, once in never out! For me its a back up plan for now. I wish life has never gotten me where im standing right now. One day, maybe one day, ill be rid of this feeling and able to live a normal life again. Im just not dying yet, i know ill feel the right time when it presents itself to me. Will be off again for a while… will be on again sometime!
Love you guys, all of you… take care in good or bad, only you should know the path, but some are too blinded to see where it leads!
Hi everyone, im just telling you all ill be away for a while indefinite. I just need to sort a few things out dont know what will happen meanwhile but wont be around. My head is clouded with too many thoughts, i need to figure things out before something actually happens. But ill return before the time comes to say hello and goodbye to all of you, the old and the new! So see you around sometime <3
just opened fb and saw this phrase, dont know who said it but… it pretty much resumes all im feeling!
“Its better to die on your feet than live on your knees”
want to comment on it?
I dont want to have to lie anymore, I dont want to pretend im well when im not, what i want is to expose my deepest wishes.
That would cause a stronger prison and I couldnt bare have my wings totally ripped away from me.
So sad I just cant scream my happiness to the four corners of the world.
But ill try something small which i hope will ease my pain: I will test my therapist and deal with whatever comes from her!
i was talking to a friend… for some weird reason comparing any situations to other situations that brought pain no matter the lentgh of the pain is not good at all. well i never talked about suicide to her and she is frightened because her nephiew attempted it and didnt succeed, so she came tell me that and that people have it harder than me. it sounded to me like “what are you crying about girl?” luckily she didnt see my face, we were typing…
really people what am i crying about? a life that doesnt make sense, PTSD from abuse, the loss of a man i loved more than life, an emptiness without end, disappointment over disappointment, no hope for Humanity. Im sure i could see more of the darkness i already feel inside me. but why would i want that?Â
He was there with me, we were doing what we usually do, having fun by being with eachother. It was all i wished for, hes a gentleman. Hes happy to see im happy. I have to push, ask for a hug, i feel hes body warmth and heart beating. Im on his chest, were smiling to one another, talking. We get up, keep talking, smiling, living the moment, like 2 children who love to play together… Somehow we end up close, faces too close and i cant resist, he feels it and we kiss. It was so sweet, so wanted, his kiss felt like that. Soft warm, i was so almost in ecstasy, for a few seconds the fear of what could happen next scrolled up my body, but i couldnt think of the future, just now was enough…his kiss, his presence, his love.
I woke up. Reality! He wont be there again…