I’ve been thinking about you today. 14 years of you. 14 years filled with endless family tailgating, barbecues, alcohol, weed, and music. We haven’t been the same since I left for college a year ago. You broke me out of my shell, saved me from myself, and were the sister I never had. I know you’ve changed because you have all new friends, our mutual old ones don’t like you much. I can stop blaming myself for the most part. We needed this time apart because I was too dependent on you, I thought people needed you around to hang out with me. It’s not true, and I’ve gained a lot of independence since we stopped talking. Your sister told me something similar happened with her and her best friend and it was the hardest three years of her life and that this silence won’t last forever. I’ve started to come to terms with things I should have a long time ago. I still have our pictures, for some reason I can’t burn them like I can the letter I wrote to someone else because I know this won’t last forever. Just thinking a bit today.
I don’t know what to do anymore. It’s like a crippling black hole inside of me is sucking the life out of me. I feel so alone, I am so alone. I have two friends at college but they’re busy most of the time with work and class, leaving me in my solitude. I don’t want to go on anymore, I want to relapse on cutting when I’ve been mainly clean for nearly three years, but I don’t want the scars, the repercussions, the consequences. I just need something, an outlet. I’m so lost, so hopeless. I want to curl up and die, disappear, not deal with anything. I want it to end, I don’t want to be here anymore, but I don’t want to hurt my parents; their little girl killed herself? What did they do wrong? My chest is so heavy I can barely breathe, my lungs feel as if they’re filled up with a liquid of loneliness and despair. Why am I not good enough for anybody?
Everything has been a downward’s spiral. I don’t really want to do anything anymore, I’m too sad. I don’t want to go to work, I don’t want to pack my things for going back to school next week, I don’t want to leave my hometown, but I don’t want to stay. It’s like I need to get away from here because I’m more hurt than not over recent events, but I don’t have anything waiting for me at school either. Unless you count my ex who probably won’t want me back anyway because I gained weight this summer. Nothing to look forward to, nothing to miss.
do we lose people in order to teach ourselves to be stronger because the people we lost were the ones we were maybe too close with? Unhealthily relied on people? To teach ourselves you can’t become this dangerously close with someone? Or do we lose people because the human race is selfish and one person is always giving more than they’re getting until ultimately the other person won’t give anything back at all?
nothing irritates me more than being compared to others. If I say I’m a fuck up, don’t ask if I’m the most fucked up person in the world. If I am sad, don’t tell me “at least you aren’t homeless, broke, abused” whatever. Don’t tell me how people have it worse or how small and irrelevant my problems are. They’re still fucking issues that effect me. Don’t make me feel small, unnecessary, irrelevant. That is the most shallow thing someone can say to another person on a suicide website, a suicide network. Fuck you. Sadness isn’t a competition.
Rule #1: you’ve got to have fun, but when you’re done, you’ve got to be the first to run
Rule #2: don’t get attached to somebody you could lose
Rule #3: wear your heart on your cheek but never on your sleeve (unless you want to taste defeat)
Rule #4: gotta be pure. kiss him goodbye at the door and leave him wanting more
1. You never think the last time is the last time. You think there will be more and you think you have forever, but you don’t
2. Fall in love with someone who makes you better yourself
3. Someone you haven’t met yet is wondering what it’d be like to know someone like you
4. If a relationship has to be secret, you shouldn’t be in it
5. Stay away from people who make it seem like you’re hard to love
6. Sometimes, the way you think about a person isn’t the way they actually are
7. Don’t dress for boys, dress to get compliments from girls in public bathrooms
8. You’re allowed to miss the people who were bullets to you, but you’re not allowed to let them shoot you again
9. Everything happens for a reason and everything is happening just as it should
1o. Friends can break your heart too
11. If today is the worst day of your life, then you know tomorrow will be better
12. Never underestimate the power of good morning texts, apologies, and random compliments
13. Expectation is the root of all heartache
14. The only thing you should chase is your liquor
15. Find someone who makes your heart race, but not with anxiety
16. If it still makes you angry, you’re not over it
17. Marry your best friend
18. Sex isn’t the only way to make love with someone
19. Your relationship with yourself sets the tone for every other relationship you have
20. You’re not a bad person for the way you tried to kill your sadness
21. You can close your eyes to things you don’t want to see, but you cannot close your heart to things you don’t want to feel
22. A woman is only vulnerable when her nail polish is drying, and even then she can still pull a trigger 🙂
23. The best revenge is not giving a shit
24. Stop looking for happiness in the same place you lost it
25. Red lipstick is the cure to heartbreak
1. You should not have to rip yourself into pieces in order to keep others whole; don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm
2. Even the smallest violin plays a sweeter sound than the worlds loudest explosion
3. Everything happens for a reason/everything is happening just as it should
4. Friends can break your heart too
5. Believe in yourself. You can achieve anything you set your mind to
6. Only you can decide your worth, not others ***** Don’t compromise yourself in order to impress someone else
7. Never say no to adventure or you’ll lead a very dull life
8. Remember who’s been there for you from the start. A lot of times it’s family and they understand you better than you think
9. It’s okay to love yourself. Splurge. Treat yourself to that slice of pizza or that hamburger
10. Do what makes you happy. Wear makeup, or don’t. Love whoever you want. The only way to be satisfied is by following your heart
11. Appreciate nature and the world around you. The part humans haven’t destroyed yet. Pets can be the most rewarding and therapeutic thing ever. They love you as long as you’re good to them
12. Only you can define yourself. Weight, grades, sexual orientation, or race don’t matter if you don’t let it
13. You never really see how toxic someone is until you breathe fresher air
14. It’s okay to get drunk or high as long as It doesn’t effect your everyday life. It’s okay to not ever get high or drink, too.
15. No one is ever too busy. It’s about priorities*****
16. It’s okay to be sad but don’t let it consume you. Hell is something you carry around, not somewhere you go
17. “I hope you get everything you deserve” – the sweetest or most evil thing someone could say. Be good to people, even the mean ones. Let assholes be assholes. You’ll sleep better at night
18. Just because you don’t look like the girl in the magazine doesn’t mean you’re not beautiful**** take note how everyone has a different favored “cup of tea”
19. They wanna see you do good, but never better than them. Remember that.
This doesn’t nearly cover it so I’ll make another at some point
I get unnecessarily blamed for everything by my EX best friend for the last year. She’s a fucked up little girl who walks all over people and uses them, then twists it on you making you feel like you’re at fault and that you’re a piece of shit. For real, this time, I don’t think we’ll talk again. This time she’s gone too far, showing up at my house and laying her hands on me trying to fight me. All because her friend got in a fight with her ex over some stupid shit and was upset, therefore I’m a bad friend for hanging out with him. Though I’ve known the girl for 4 weeks and her ex I’ve known for 6 years and grew up with that family. I would understand if I was hooking up with her ex, but I’m not. I’m not into incest like my drunk best friend who refers to Dani’s ex as her “brother” yet drunkingly tries to hook up with him. Ali hangs out with him too, but instead of admitting it, she says “dani can’t find out I’m hanging out with Anthony” and says how stupid dani is for getting mad at her for it. But regardless, she takes Dani’s side, calls me a twat, slut, and a bunch of other shit, then shows up at my house for telling her it’s not my fault she can’t keep a job and that she’s a huge mooch. Did I mention she’s sleeping with four people RIGHT NOW, which is the number of people I’ve slept with in the past year? And that the total number of times in the past year is probably 10 or less? She’s fighting a fight that’s not hers, yet still shoved me 5 or so times, uninvited to my house and my party, as I stood there because I wouldn’t hit her back. The guys I was with tore her off of me and carried her off my property, where her possy of dani and Dani’s best friend waited and cheered her on saying how I deserved that. So yet I keep questioning myself on whether I was wrong for hanging out with an old friend I haven’t seen in 8 months or so and won’t see for a while since he doesn’t live in the area anymore. Bad timing, maybe.
I don’t understand how you can come across someone and just click with them and before you know it, really start to like them in a romantic sense. What makes some people more outstanding than others? Why is it we can create this unique bond with someone that inevitably will be there forever whether you like it or not, or why do others just outgrow their significant others without reason? I’ve been thinking about you for the past 6 months now and I knew when we were “together” for the three short months it of course wasn’t love. But now it’s been so long, even with us not talking so much, I have beginning to question if I really am starting to love you. Can you love someone because of the past? I think of the butterflies I get when you (rarely) text me. Those two nights you stayed with me (used me for a place to stay) after EDC when I was perpetually wasted for 18 hours straight in order to handle you being here, with an acid trip in the middle. I don’t remember much besides at some point we were kissing, at some point you roughly pulled me under you kissing me harder, asking why I’m such a “God damn turn on”. I don’t remember who kissed who first or any of the details, just how you hugged me before leaving and when I said see you next semester you corrected me that you’d see me before then. Am I always going to be so pathetically craving you?
Been kinda upset recently. I have a friend who actually asked me on a date about 6 months ago, but never been in a relationship before I declined because I was scared and just don’t date people. I’ve kinda realized how good of a person he is and that I definitely do have a ‘crush’ on him, though I don’t know if I’m ready for a relationship considering how my last one ended. He’s literally a guy version of me but with better qualities personality-wise. But now he’s completely uninterested and moved onto better people, I guess. Like he definitely had a thing for my friend Lily in the past, and although they don’t talk anymore, now he has something for my friend Dani. I joke around with him and ask when we’re getting married and he just totally rejects me, nor does he ever like want to hang out anymore. And it’s not because I rejected him. He asked my “best friend” if I would make things weird if he asked me out and she said no, so we continued to hang out and whatever like normal, but now I’m back from college for the summer and I don’t know. It’s got me pretty upset.
What point is there? As I get older, everyone splits off into couples and I sit here like a fucking lonely moron. I don’t want to date anyone, I want to be surrounded by my “friends” who can’t wait to ditch you every chance they get for a significant other (or simply someone better). I’ve been off my mood stabilizers and antidepressants for about 3 weeks now, but I’m thinking of starting up my mood stabilizers again because it is unbearable to deal with this constant fucking oscillating range of emotions. I think I’ll just submerge myself in as many drugs and mind alternating substances as possible. At least then my life will have a purpose, and I’ve always wanted to kill myself when I felt on top of the world. It’s so fucking lonely and I realize I only have myself now. I am so filled with hate hate hate for everything, everyone, and myself. Have I been kicked out of my friend group because of who I am as a person, or due to things not having to do with me other than no one making time for me or wanting to chill anymore?
I was almost happy before it all fell apart, why would I be so dumb?
I don’t know what I’ve done to be exiled by all of my friends. I’ve been home a week. I haven’t been home in my house over 24 hours straight in a few years, I’m always out doing stuff with them. This is the third time this has happened in the last 10 fucking days I’ve been home. My best friend straight up ditches me day after day and then tries to blame it on me, making up stupid validations or excuses, and somehow I’m the one at fault. My other friend begs me to hang out with her because she’s bored, yet never calls me back or answers my text because she hangs out with my best friend as soon as she got off work today, why bother with her “back up plan” of hanging out with me? My other friend never feels like picking me up since my license is still revoked for the next 21 days, but he’d always come pick my best friend up when she didn’t have gas. Is my DUI the worst thing I could have done, considering I wanted to go back to my dorm after I was cheated on and felt unwelcomed, and didn’t want to spend the night at his house anymore? This friend got caught with MDMA in his car and is also facing probation. My other friend at least hits me up to hang out after they finish dinner, but it’s been 3 hours and she’s liked my instagram picture I posted earlier in the day, yet hasn’t responded to my text asking if she finished dinner yet. My ex clearly used me to have a place to stay after his hotel got cancelled when he drove 5 hours to NYC to go to EDC, didn’t even want to come see me when I went down to where we go to school and he lives for court a few days after he stayed at my house. I explained to him why I was so hurt over everything and spiteful, and it makes sense in my eyes, but maybe he didn’t care enough in the first place. My other best friend who went to prom with me just a year ago, still hasn’t seen me since I’ve been back, nor does he really know anything about my DUI because I haven’t told him. He’s denied each time I tried to hang out with him, which I blame on him having a really bad comedown on MDMA that lasted 5 days, but now that he’s better, he still hasn’t hit me up.
I’m stopping my medications cold turkey and will figure out a way to fatally end it, no “attempting” bullshit. All or nothing. I don’t have the energy or willpower to explain more than I have in this post.
nothing is worth it anymore. I fuck up in innumerable ways without even trying. Turning to alcohol just makes it worse, causing even bigger failures. I never thought my life would turn out like this. Yes, I am smart, I have a future, how could I be so selfish, I have everything handed to me. I’m a wreck of human, inadequate at life, I have no purpose, no reason. I have messed up nearly everything and don’t want to wake up to face my consequences of anything. I’m reckless, and very soon I won’t be here any longer, unless the cats I work with this summer somehow save me. They’re the only thing I enjoy. I have no hobbies or anything anymore, nothing to do, nothing that causes me enjoyment, makes my heart warm or parts my lips into a smile. It hasn’t been that way for a long long time. I’m isolating, doing anything to not be sober, get out of this mindset. I’m currently on my five hour drive home from college to start my summer and I never thought I’d say I wasn’t excited to go home and see all my friends. But I’m not, I can’t handle facing them. They’re going to know I’m not right, they’ll notice how I stare off into space, my prolonged silence. Every breath I take is a struggle, a constant battle between my body’s natural instinct to live by indulging my body in oxygen and life, while in my heart it’s an endless hole of loneliness and failure that wants nothing more than to give up, give out, and beat no more.
Friday night I was really lonely and texted everyone I know who goes to my college to find someone to hang out with, or even just to come outside for a little bit to have a cigarette. It wasn’t that late, around 11, and not one of the 10 people I texted wanted to or could. Then one friend texts back and invites me to his friends. We just played pong and drank beers all night, and eventually my friend went home; his other friend was going to walk me home because it’s not a good area to walk around alone. It’s around 2am, his friend is ready to leave, and I wasn’t tired, asked the guy who lived there what he was going to be doing, and asked if he wanted to hang out as friends, being I don’t sleep with people. I’m straight up about it. He agreed, he was just going to be drinking beer all night, so we hung out. Sniffed two addies each, pretty drunk on beer, we just sat outside, smoked cigarettes and had deep heart-to-hearts all night. Completely innocent. Adderall sometimes does that, makes me open up, as well as him, so we talked about everything. I even talked about my cutting and eating disorders, about suicide. It was nice, I thought I had a friend. He made me promise I would never cut myself again and to call him if I ever felt like it, and that we’re friends now. We went to play some xBox and around 9am he fell asleep. We were laying in bed together and that was it. Nothing happened more than him kissing my scars making me promise I’d never do it again. It was innocent and completely in a caring way, nothing romantic at all. He talked about this girl all night; he’s 23, and they’ve been dating on and off since they were 17. I fell asleep for about a half hour that morning and this girl comes barging in his room. Turns out it was his not-with-at-the-time girlfriend who was clearly pissed and just stormed off. I begged him to unlock his phone so I could call her and tell her nothing happened or anything, but he was so out of it after drinking beer all day and night and the adderall crash, so I walked back to campus to go to work. My friend that originally invited me over asked if I stayed the night at his friend’s house, I said yes, he asked if I slept with him, I said no, and he says his girlfriend is pissed. I said no we drank beer all night and just stayed up and talked, nothing happened, if you want you can give me her number so I can call her and explain. I planned on telling her a bit of what I told him to explain it better and how he talked about her a lot, but my friend said he’d just handle it. I really thought this guy was my new friend, something I have trouble finding at college. I texted him last night asking is everything was okay with his girlfriend. He never answered, so I guess I didn’t have a friend in him. I rarely open up to anyone, but when I do, it’s the shitty people who leave, who pretend to care and be nice.
Don’t really know where to start. Maybe where I got so drunk the other night, possibly the drunkest I’ve ever been, nearly attempted, and also fell on the sidewalk cutting up my entire body and face, which had people asking questions. Or maybe with someone who doesn’t bite their nails much, I have none left to bite. Or maybe how I sleep the absolute minimum now, maybe two or three hours a night, if at all. My sleeping patterns have been especially messed up, even on taking extra strength Advil PM doesn’t knock me out. I thought all my stress from school was the root of my problems, but I realize more and more it’s just me. I’m about to get straight A’s this semester at college but I feel so insanely lost. My life is so messed up. I’m so nervous about going to court on Thursday due to my DUI. So nervous my stomach is constantly in knots, I get migraines, every inch of my body is filled with tension and stress. I’m sick of messing up everything. I’m going to be on probation for a year and a half, won’t be able to smoke weed. I worry it will outcast me from my friends. They all smoke but we have a few friends that don’t and it’s okay, but I’ll end up outcasting myself I imagine. I used to be OCD about showering, would shower 4 or 5 times a day. I haven’t showered in about two days. My room is a fucking wreck, haven’t cleaned it in weeks. Laundry needs to be done, but I’m not sure I have the strength to walk downstairs, throw it in the machine, and push a fucking button. I haven’t worn makeup in weeks with the exception of the one day I drank. I don’t wear a lot of makeup but I’ll often at least put on a little or just clean up a bit. I haven’t shaved in like 10 days which is rare for me, I’m very hygienic overall. Just being awake is draining, I’ve gained some weight from the stress bringing me even lower lower lower. I’m such a shit person and I don’t really want to do it anymore. Don’t think I can do it.
I try to be a really good person. I enjoy doing things for people, especially strangers, to make them feel good. I hugged a random girl crying on the phone the other day. I’ll compliment random people’s outfits, makeup, or hair when I get the chance and overcome my anxiety. I have a friend I met at college named Jess and she is the nicest, sweetest person I think I know. I wonder what made her that way. The fact she helped me out when I needed it most, barely knowing me at the time. She’s pretty much always there for me. She drove me to my car and waited with me while waiting for the tow truck to come and tow my car out of the ditch I slipped into resulting from my DUI. She somehow shows up to save me constantly and I have no idea how. I had to go to the MVA Friday where I got my license suspended. I was going to drive my car there and take a taxi back, and my roommate and her friend were going to drive my car back later that night. She somehow ran into me during breakfast and was like hell no don’t take a taxi I’l just drive your car for you and wait, it shouldn’t take that long. I don’t understand how she pops up all the time like that! She’s an amazing person and we have a lot in common, she’s a huge environmentalist and it’s inspiring, especially because I like that stuff too. I aspire to be like her, and hope I can find some lost freshman one day and help them while being completely judgefree, return the favor to someone who needs it. Someone who got lost like I did, who’s a good person that fucked up, and all they’re doing is trying to get by.
Today in therapy I learned a few things about myself. As a child, I was never taught kindness, or how to love. I raised myself and my little brother. My mom was always sleeping, or couldn’t care less. The little she did for us, some cooking and laundry, she’d complain about, scream about it. She is a ticking time bomb we’d have to tiptoe around, avoiding the next explosion. As unpredictable as she is, it somehow was always my fault, she was never in the wrong. What could a 4 year old have done to have my mom scream at me every day before school? Not eat breakfast fast enough? Did that really deserve her daily shrieking? My dad pushed me to get good grades. I never did it to please him, never did it for his approval. Instead I did it because he threatened me if I dare get below a B. Oedipus complex, I realize, is undeniable. I’d been extremely jealous of my mom my entire life because she’d stomp around acting so fucking shitty to everyone, yet my dad was unconditionally kind to her, taking her stabs and admitting defeat when he’d done nothing wrong. Every little holiday he’d go out of his way to get her stuff, it’s always about mom. Even on a daily basis he’d go out of his way to buy her pizza for dinner after she came home from work at 10pm, yet barely help my brother and I figure out something to eat for dinner. I’d always felt unappreciated, unimportant, unaccepted, that positivity was a luxury. My trust issues and fear of getting hurt are worse than I thought, and that’s why the only person in the world who matters to me is Ali, my best friend. I can’t open myself up to people because as a child, I wasn’t nurtured properly. My parents didn’t want to be parents. Really, my mom didn’t want to be a mom. My dad worked, there was no choice in that, but my mom thought watching TV and sleeping was more important than raising children, so therefore my brother and I were shipped off to school by the time we were two. Kindergarten starts when you’re five years old, but because kids are so little, they only stay a half day. So I’d complete the morning session at my public school while being shipped to my afternoon kindergarten class elsewhere. Summers were no different, we went to day camp as long as I remembered. I’d cry saying I didn’t want to go. Quite frankly, I had no friends there and was really outcasted. I hated it there. When I was 10 and my brother was 8, we were then shipped to sleepaway camp where we’d be away 6-8 weeks at a time. I hated it there as well, never wanted to go. My brother, as I said, was extremely young and would get homesick. I’d laugh at him because I was never taught how to love, and because he was another competition for my parents’ attention. The fact I was never taught how to love contributes to my animosity and resentment towards myself. If I’m ever complimented, it goes right over my head, and is ignored. My therapist told me today repeatedly, “You matter, Samantha, you matter” and it made me so uncomfortable, because I’ve never been taught that, never felt I did. That’s also where binge eating comes in. I always thought my binge eating disorder was a twisted coping mechanism, when all along it’s been a form of self punishment. It started when I lost all my friends, post being anorexic and the worst thing I could do to myself was eat because, well, that’s how anorexia works. When I binge eat, I don’t eat foods I enjoy. That’s really why it’s a form of self punishment, because it makes me sick and cause me to attack myself even more. Now I’m stuck in this idea of perfectionism. I was never good enough no matter how hard I tried, so I hold myself to unrealistic ideals that absolutely consume me, whether it’s about body image, controlling my calorie count (always under 1200), school work, and every single other aspect of my life. And that, my dear, is exhausting.
I keep bouncing back and forth on what to think of you. I want to see you for the person you really are. How you avoided me and just walked away when you saw me, how you didn’t come in to pick me up from the police station, how when I pushed you away physically when we were having sex and obviously was uncomfortable, but you kept going, and finally rolled over annoyed, sleeping at opposite ends of the bed, how you probably had sex with other girls while you were doing “business” and crawled back into my bed every single night. The thought of you kissing that girl and fucking her while I was there. Every single blonde I see, I look to see if it’s her.
Then I think about the very first time you kissed me when we stayed up til 4am playing mariokart and watching cops. How you refused to let me walk back from my car alone because our school isn’t in a good area. when you looked down at me at the party we were at and sweetly kissed me, looked me in the eyes and wished me a happy Valentine’s Day. And how cute it was you wore red for it. Watching you sleep so soundly next to me, kissing your sleeping face, and you’d pull me close in the midst of your dreams. Even when you had me half off the bed because you’re a bed hog. When I bought my first pack of cigarettes and you threw it in the snow because you didn’t want me smoking, out of complete care, not because you hate smoking. When you’d ask some stranger to hold my bag so you could pick me up and throw me in the snow. You said I was the perfect balance of work and fun. Our adventures of getting lost on endless drives, smoking bowl after bowl, blasting music. When you said you wanted to talk to me at another party, we went into the bathroom and you just kissed me just because you wanted to. Right before spring break when I waited to see you before I left and you gave me the longest hug, and how you told me you missed me a lot when I came back. How blue blue blue your eyes were when they looked into mine. Your face when I made you cum that first time.
I dont care some days, I see how shitty of a person you are. Other days I long to feel loved, someone to make me feel like I’m not a waste of space, I’m not just used by the world, a practical joke. But sometimes my stomach still drops at the sight of you, the mention of your name. I’m like a deer in the headlights when we pass each other. I know dealing with someone like me isn’t the ideal. No one wants to clean up such a mess. Some days the pit in my stomach doubles me over, filled with a whole lot of missing you. Sometimes, I just wish I was good enough.
There’s a number of ways this post is going to go and things I want to talk about that I’ve been thinking about. But it’s all just going to be one giant rant in the end of how much I want to kill myself. First, I’ve been beginning to notice once you’re 21, your life is over. There’s such a big difference between each year until that age. “remember when we were 16 and we used to do that?” We’re 18 now. Those 2 years make the world, but whether you’re 30 or 35, there really is no difference. That being said, I feel I have lived out my life for what it’s worth. Life could be tolerable I guess if things hadn’t turned out the way it did. I fucked up my life getting a DUI. I regret it every second, and I stick to my word no one understands why I did it, that I could not control the events that occurred that one night, but none of that matters because what happened, happened. I wasn’t scared to call my parents from the station when it happened. They knew I was going through a lot, hence they brought me a new radio/stereo for my car the week prior when I was home for Spring Break after seeing how ripped up I was from a boy I mistakingly thought cared about me. I’m starting to realize they could not hate me for what happened, but that doesn’t mean things won’t be different. Everything wasn’t just going to go back to normal. I’m starting to feel as if I’m not trusted anymore, all the independence I gained while at college from my parents was reverted. My parents aren’t that proud of me anymore. There’s a scandal in my town at home about a cop who went to the wrong house by mistake and ended up shooting and killing their beloved pet. On Facebook, I signed & shared a petition to get this cop fired for lying and doing what he did. After getting into a debate on it with someone, the owner of the dog actually added me and commented on my side, which I felt was extremely rewarding, being an animal lover and pre-vet student. I called to tell my dad and he was more on the lines of “you shouldn’t be going against the police.” Don’t stick up for what I think is right? I know my dad is paranoid and didn’t think I should because somehow people are going to find out and I’ll go to jail for having an opinion. I don’t want to be part of a world where I have to bite my tongue and submit to authority. So I called my mom to tell her, and she tells me that not everyone is an animal lover like we are and also kind of put me down, when I called them over something I was so proud of.
Being a pre-vet student takes me to my next point. I work my ass off in school to maintain a 3.5 GPA. I can do well in my classes, but they’re not honor classes. I find out for vet school, I need 600 clinical hours in order to apply and a 3.8 GPA. I can’t do that, and I don’t want to do anything else with my life. It justifies the fear I’ve had for years of being “better than average but never quite good enough.” Wanting to be a vet is what forced me to maintain my grades through high school regardless the circumstance, the only thing that really mattered to me, more so than my wellbeing. I know I’d make an amazing vet, but the fact I’m judged based on numbers upsets me. Anyone and everyone who knows me can easily see I have “a way” with animals, just by the way I interact with them and how they respond back. Being a foster home for the past 4 years has really proved this point. But the fact I probably won’t get into vet school is just shitty. I don’t want to be in a world where my worth and dreams are determined by standardized numbers.
Third, my freshman year of college is over. Everyone says how freshman year is the best year, you make amazing, friends, you’re carefree, can afford to party every weekend, and everyone always misses it. I’m scrolling down the Facebook and Instagram posts of people I went to high school with, justifying this exact thing. What has my freshman year consisted of? I haven’t made really any solid friends here. I rarely went out on weekends because going into a sweaty, hot, crowded frat party to drunkingly hook up with a random wasn’t my thing, and the only other option on a weekend night to do was to lay in bed and watch netflix, or maybe study some more. If this is the “best year”, then what does that mean for the rest?
Fourth, I started therapy recently and she helped me realize I have no hobbies besides school work. I spend at least six hours daily studying and doing my work, that I haven’t had time for anything else in years. I don’t have any real hobbies anymore. Nothing that really makes life worth living. The only thing I really enjoyed was drugs. I’ve never had a problem with drugs. I’ve tried a lot of different ones, but mainly just stuck to smoking weed. I rarely drink, alcohol is really heavy on the body, makes me feel out of control, and often puts me in a bad place. I don’t want to say “instead of drinking” I smoke weed, because that’s not how I see it. I see it as part of wellbeing. I’m a very anxious and stressed person, given how much school work I do, so it’s nice to just sit back and relax without the pressure of never doing enough looming over my head. I stress about how I don’t deserve that extra hour to just do nothing because I could be studying and trying harder. Instead, my worries go away and I’m able to just enjoy myself. I admit, I smoke a lot. It’s really beneficial, and when I started smoking every single day helped me get out of being suicidal and overall was a healthy coping mechanism. It did not interfere with anything, I maintained my grades and got everything done that had to be. It was especially good when I would get really upset. Similar to having the “why the hell was I suicidal, life’s not that bad” mindset that brought me out of my “depression” or whatever you want to call it, it would tell me whatever was upsetting me would pass, and most of all it would calm me down. I’m prone to panic attacks and when I get upset, really upset, it throws my body into a fit of hyperventilating and not being able to see straight. Smoking relieves this and returns my body to homeostasis, gives me time to process what’s happened, why it happened, or what made me upset. Now, I’m about to be put on probation for a very long time. In a way, I’d say smoking weed had become my hobby, so my only “hobby” is being taken from me. It’s understandable, I have to live up to the consequences from my DUI, but it makes me wonder what I will become. If I’m not able to calm down, not able to enjoy myself, or rationalize with my distorted thoughts, what am I suppose to do? Smoking helped me bond with my younger brother; after years of fighting, we would smoke together and just enjoy being with one another, being we were old enough and outgrew the sibling bickering and competition. Smoking helped me bond with my parents. They liked that I rarely drank, and smoking with them was always fun, though it didn’t happen often.
I really wonder what’s worth it and what’s not. I don’t want to kill myself because I don’t want to hurt the people around me who love me. But I know I’ve disappointed them and don’t care to go on anymore. I can’t see much positivity in the future. I’ve been relapsing again, and my therapy stops when this semester is over in a week since it is through the school.