It’s been a long time since I have postedon here. If you’re a longtime goer of this site, you may remember me.
Just wanted to pop in and say hello again and that I’m still around.
Hello all, Thanks for checking out my profile. I'm here for anyone who needs me. Drop me a line if you need: firstname.lastname@example.org
It’s pretty late where I’m located right now. Normal people are sleeping. I should be as well, although I can’t seem to do that at this time. I need to get up for work in about three hours, and if I don’t do that, this day is going to be long, no doubt.
Do you ever feel like the silence is the loudest thing around? I’ve moved to a new area, and hardly know anyone. Sometimes I wish there were someone out there, maybe like a radio Dj, that one could listen to at these odd hours of the evening, and just let everyone know that he / she is out there. My world is lonely I guess, and I hate this feeling. Even with those around that loved me, back where I used to live, I never have really felt at home.
What am I trying to say here? I’m not really sure. I consider myself an average writer, although the above seems so scrambled and disorganized.
Why am I posting this again?
Thought I’d give everyone an update on life.
Got a small band and we have played a show.
Link is here:
I’m the guitarest. Feel free to check out more videos.
I also have a new number, so if anyone here needs to talk, feel free to email and get the number.
I’m trying to keep my days busy and entertained, so I don’t enter a dark place. If I were to say that I don’t have bad days anymore, it would be a lie. They actually happen often, but I try to distract myself from them.
My email: email@example.com
Do you ever feel so empty you don’t know what to do with yourself? Do you ever feel that whenever you try to cheer yourself up, you never can succeed? Do you ever feel like your such a disappointment to the world, because you never can do anything right? Ever feel that you’re not really needed to anyone? Ever feel that you will never find friendship, love, or a true meaning in life? Yeah, this is me. Anyone else?
Haven’t posted in sometime, sorry people.
I wrote this song for the broken people out there.
It’s been posted in mp3 format on sp, but for those who may need encouragement, or for those who may just need to feel that someone cares, this song is for you.
You can always comment, or drop me a line. On my chanel is also a song called in this world, of which has been posted on this site as well, and you can check that one out as well, if you would like.
Yep, subject says it all.
I can’tseem to do anything right. From making friends, to caring about my family, yep, I fail.
I got in a fight with my younger brother, and well, I’m not too violent, but I hit the punk. If I can hit a sibling of mine, how will I treat my future wife or kids? I’d rather not think about that. When I make friends, they always seemed to be troubled, and in the end, bring me down. I feel so awfull, because I can’t even save them. If it is not possible for me to save anyone in life, why live? If it wasn’t for me not knowing about the after life, I would have played the suicide card a long time ago.
I never understood why people cut, but now I’m thinking I’m starting to understand.
One day I’m gonna lose the war.
One day I’m gonna lose the war. Bradley Nowell, lead singer of one of my favorite bands sang these words. Sublime’s song poolshark is an amazing song I have played on my guitar and sang quite a bit. He was addicted to heroin. he eventually died on May 25, 1996.
I offten find myself singing theese words and thinking to myself, yep, it’s gonna happen to me. I’m going to lose the war, not with drugs, but rather depression. I choose not to drink or do drugs, because I don’t need that.
Today I took a test that once passed, you can graduate from high school. I failed. I can retake it one more time, but if not passed, I will have to graduate next year. What’s the point, though? I can’t concentrate on anything, am losing motivation to live, and overall, am just very empty. Not to mention, parents always seem to be upset with me for one thing or another which doesn’t help matters.
One thing I have noticed is that I need to hang out more with people. Trouble is, people my age don’t really want to hang out with me. I understand why, I’m different. People are often scared or unsure by something or someone that is different. I’m lonely, need to do more I guess.
But lately, I have been thinking. Even if I don’t graduate on time, why does it matter? I mean, it will crush me, but really, what does life have to offer? Next, you go to college, and you do the same shit. Study, study, study, and study some more. People say it is better. It’s supposed to prepare you for a good job. Yeah, funny how most people work and are unhappy. Sounds like a pretty great life to me, don’t you think? As far as I can see, it doesn’t seem like it. I haven’t been happy in quite some time, and how is that going to change? Yes, I’m aware that you are the only one in control of your happiness, but this is one thing I can’t fix. I don’t feel attractive, lovable, smart, or really that great. I haven’t felt those feelings in years. And I don’t see that changing.
If happiness can not be achieved, why live a life? I mean, I already am a burden to tax payers, and I hate that. Wouldn’t it be better if I were gone? I mean people are generally wrotten, and I don’t want to burden others by being alive. With the way people behave, how am I ever supposed to meet good friends or that woman of which I’ve been trying to find? People my age, generally don’t want a woman as much as I do, but that is a topic of another discussion. But I do, and from what people have said, “it will take a special kind of woman to love me”, one that doesn’t exist.
So here I come to the end of this post, and tell you, one day I’m gonna lose the war. A life without happiness doesn’t seem like a great life. I can’t continue this battle for much longer. And I’m looking for methods again. for me, I’m just not seeing the point anymore.
One day I’m gonna lose the war.
It’s been a week or 2 since I lasst posted, but I figured I would give you all an update. That is, if anyone cares.
So I went to the state tournament. And won, then lost, then won again. At this point, I was one match away from placing in my state tournament. Tough kid I had to take, but I was confident. Anyways, 3, 2, 1, wrestle! So we did, and I was winning for a time, then he got desperate, and I ended up losing.
After that, I cried for a bit. (I know I know, men don’t cry, but since I am now a retired wrestler, I have the excuse). And that was it. People were so proud of me, yet, I wanted nothing more than to place.
Among other things, life is the same. It’s amazing how great things can happen to you, yet at the end of the day, you still feel depressed. Like trapped, nothing matters, like one day you’re going to lose the war, you know? No matter what happens, why try? Why even try to succeed in life, if at the end of the day, you’re going to feel useless, empty, and unlovable? That’s a question I can not answer.
Hope everyone had a great Valentine’s day.
As a cchild, I used to dream of my future. I used to think all of these great things would happen, and that if I tried hard enough, I could be someone. Someone who was one who could make a difference. Not only that, but someone who would be great. Do something amazing, I guess.
But I believe those were dreams, and nothing but.
When I was about 5 or 6, I wanted to be a famous musician. I loved (and still do love) music back then. I wanted to just play piano or sing, get paid for it, and live that glamorous lifestyle. People would ask me, what do you want to do when you grow up? And that was always my answer, be a musician.
While I definitely have a gift for music, I’m not all that great. Mediocre, perhaps. (If anyone wants to hear a sample, email me or look on this site, there are a few samples).
But now I know that while I’d still love to do this, it isn’t going to happen to me any time soon.
I got older, and still I dreamed. Dreamed of finding someone. If you are thinking romantically, yes, that is what I meant. It used to mean soo much to me. I used to dream that I could find that special someone and we could be happy. Used to believe she existed. I feel that, honestly, this one has faded, like a lot of my dreams. It’s one of those that I longed for, but no longer wish to try, as it will not end up anywhere good.
Let’s fastforward, to wrestling. I’ve done it for 3 years. I’m the only blind wrestler in my state, and known everywhere that has a wrestling team in my community. My dream? To get to state.
I’ve been so close these last few years, one match away, to be exact. And then I was beat, and never got there. Our region tournament is this Friday. And I have a tough bracket, and to make matters worse, I haven’t been wrestling my best this year. So odds are, I won’t be getting it this time again. If I were to get there, I’d be the first blind wrestler in my state to get to state. Bad year to suck, right?
I’ve mentioned my dreams here, or at least, some of them. I used to dream, used to think, I could be someone, now I’m not so sure about these thoughts and dreams of mine anymore. As I get so very close to achieving it to the poinq where it can be almost tasted, then somehow, it disappears under my finger tips.
We all dream. Just try not to do what I’m doing. If you still dream, keep pushing. Don’t give up.
I have been up since 1:30 am my time. I can’t seem to sleep well at all. Usually for about 3 hours at a time. And it sucks, because later in the day, my body won’t be able to stay awake, and I’ll be trying hard to keep my eyes open. Vacation has ended today, and it’s going to be a long day.
So I’ll try to fall back asleep, yet I can’t. So I’ll read. And no matter what happens in the book, I feel sad when I’m done reading.
Me not sleeping sucks. I’m lonely as can be, and it is an empty and terrible feeling. It’s weird. Sometimes I will lie here in my room and just listen to the silence. And the silence is filled with my family asleep and dreaming. And yet I’m awake.
Perhaps, it is that I need more people in my life? I don’t know. No matter what I do, I’m stuck with the feeling of sadness and feeling alone. Even now, I hardly have the motivation to right this. Oh shoot, I think I lost my train of thought.
I’m sinking. And I don’t really know who to tell, for fear they will not understand, or will reject my feelings. It has happened before, you see. And why the hell do I want a damn relationship so much? I know that won’t solve anything. Should I pray more? Perhaps that is my problem. Or perhaps, I have a real issue with depression, and its not going away.
Surely this can’t be all life has to offer, right? Even now as I continue to do sports and make a attempt to write music which is what I love, I always feel like that author, you know the one, that has good ideas, yet when they try to put the idea on paper, it isn’t what they hoped, so they start all over again. And that doesn’t lead to a feeling of accomplishment, you know?
For whoever read, thanks. I’m done, now!
Do you ever feel like you are all alone? That while there could be lots around you, you still feel the same? You try to occupy yourself with activities that may bring you pleasure for a short time, but only fail you? Yeah, I feel ya. For these are my feelings now.
I did find something, however that I find slightly soothing, something called first person art. I believe the link is www.firstpersonart.org. There are podcasts there, and one talks about loneliness from a lost love’s point of view, and a radio dj’s point of view. Pretty interesting I’d say, but yet nothing is quite like the feeling of loneliness. If one would like me to post the link of the podast, I will.
You can email me, if you have much the same feelings 🙂 firstname.lastname@example.org
I’m not sure this will work. Perhaps, it is an idea of mine of which is rediculous. But worth a shot, right?
I was on the phone one day talking to a friend, and the question was asked, How do you love yourself? That is a question, I imagine a lot of people may have. I thought about it and an idea came to me. I then presented my friend with this suggestion.
1. Take out a pen or pencel or any other writing tool. A computer doesn’t count as you will need to do this by hand.
2. Take out a piece of paper and draw a picture of yourself. It doesn’t have to be complex, for I understand some, such as myself, aren’t good at drawing. As long as you can tell it is you on the page, good work. Be sure you are proud of this drawing as you will be looking at it often.
3. Place it in your room or somewhere you can see it easily and where you have easy access to it. Hang it on your wall, for example.
4. This is where it gets hard for me to explain, as my lack of sight henders me here. In a drawing, you can write within it, to my understanding. You can write things inside an arm or a leg, correct? Ok. So here is what you do. Each day when you awaken, write one positive thing about yourself within the picture you drew. It doesn’t have to be significant, it can be as simple as, I have nice hair. As long as it makes you feel good about yourself. Then you are done with the day in terms of writing. Whenever you are feeling not so happy, look at that one positive thing. Tell yourself it throughout the day. Look at it often.
5. Continue this each day, until the drawing is filled. Each day, write something different, and each day, look at all the positive things about you. Can’t think of anything positive about you? Ask people around you. Remember, it doesn’t have to be something amazing. As long as it is positive, it will do. Remember, look at these things throughout the day, and tell yourself they are true. Even if you are feeling good, continue to look at your picture for that is your creation. Think my idea has lots of flaws? Fair enough. Would you rather me talk this to you, because I suck at explaining? Ok. I’m just trying to help those who may want it. Do you have a response to what I have written? Do you need someone to talk to? Email me. email@example.com
You can always comment in the comment box as well. If this works for you, let me know. If it doesn’t, you can let me know I’m an idiot, haha.
I’ve been super busy with school and such, sorry about the leaving. I’m here just to see how things are for people. I have heard that there has been a bit of drama on here, which makes me sad, because this should be a safe place for all people. Knowing that there are people who have no consideration of others and their feelings, truly makes me sad.
Anyways, if anyone on here needs someone to talk to, feel free. My email address is: firstname.lastname@example.org
I’m always here for anyone who needs a friend.
My home life really isn’t as bad as some here. But, I’m not going to say it is spactacular, because I would not be telling the truth.
But at home, there is always conflicts. People are always unhappy. And if I want to talk to anyone in my family about my feelings of depression or emptiness or loneliness, they get shoved asside. When I went to the mental home last year and my parents found I was suicidal, it was more like, you’re turning your back on god, or, how could you be so selfish?
I never want to be a greedy person or selfish, so that hurt a lot. I would do anything to be sure people around me were happy. I’m not always the most generous with food, I’ll be it, but with anything else, yeah, I try. But anyways, at home, it is like, why didn’t you do this, or is this done, or you can do better. And I can’t tell anyone about my issues because they will just ignore them, or tell me I should not feel the way I do.
School has just started a few days ago for me. And that’s ok, I guess. It’s slightly better than being at home, but it is the same. Except for, I got really noone there. This time, last year, I was suicidal because I had a friend who I thought was leaving me, now I’d rather just leave this world, because it feels like I really don’t have many people at all.
I go to school, talk to some people in my classes, but at the end of the day, I am still alone, like always. I used to be able to talk to people and ask if they would like to hang or something, and after so many times of me making the calls and nothing happening, I’ve kind of just given up on trying to make any friends. The people I have put my issues and stuff on have their own lives, and I have to respect that, so I don’t say much to them anymore.
So long story short, I feel I am starving for affection. I would like someone, just anyone, in my real life or whatever, just to talk to about anything. Not like me for my music abilities, or for my athletics, but rather, like me and love me for me. For if I had that, I’d give all the little money I have, for that person. I want to just talk about life, not about my rants, or their depressing stuff but just about stuff in general. I’m tired of being the one who calls people to talk or just chill, and it’s a don’t have time, or no response. I don’t want to burden people, so I have just not tried much lately.
I do try not to wallow in all this, and keep myself busy with life, but at the end of the day, it seems to just catch up with me again.
People say it’s life, and that whatever life throws at you, take it with ease. But then, they freak out when things do not go their way. I’m refering to my mum here, and others I have known, do the exact same thing, and it bothers me to no end. I mean, I’m not perfect, not perfect at all, but when life throws me curve balls, I try to take it. I won’t always say that I do well, but I try.
Another thing I’d like to mention is love and relationships here. I have seen the way my mum and dad treat each other. My mum is the more pushy one, and I don’t like that. It’s always something to wine about. I understand that I should treat my parents with respect, but a relationship between one loving spouse to another, should not be the way my parents is. My dad works 8 hours a day. My mum is a stay at home mum which I’m ok with. It’s comments that I hear like “If I wasn’t here I honestly don’t think you would care about the family,” she said to him this morning. I think she does not know that I can hear these things. I think she wants us, her kids, to believe that all is well in life and that she and my dad are in a happy relationship, which they are not. My dad is never mean to her, always tries to make her happy, I don’t know how he does it. They have been married for like 29 years or so, and I always knew the relationship had much to be desired, since about 8.
I read a study recently that suggests 89 percent of couples are unhappy. And from what I have seen from my family and others, I believe it.
From how my mum treats my dad, and other siblings treat my nephew and neice, I do not wish ever, to fall in love with a woman. If this is how a relationship is of romance and love, I want nothing to do with it.
My life isn’t tough, it’s not like some people’s on here. But I do struggle with depression and suicidal thoughts of most of which, you will never hear about. And people that are unkind to each other, and disfunctional relationships and toxic people, do not make this any easier for me.
People say, when your 15 through 20, you won’t like your parents, and after 10 years or so, you will. I don’t know about this one, for me, at least.
My parents are Christian, as I’d like to think I am as well, but people shouldn’t treat others with hurtfull words and such, like my family does to each other.
I already struggle with being alone and feeling lonely and such, it really doesn’t help to have others that are not kind.
I can’t tell many people close about my feelings because 1, they would say your just a teen, it gets better, or 2, Quit wining. I don’t want to take this life much longer.
Sorry for the rant.
If you have needed someone, I do apologize for not being here much. Recently I have not been feeling so wonderfull mentally, and I have kind of just let life pass me. I know, I should do something, but I feel I am losing strength and energy to live life. Sorry. I do check my emails and if anyone needs to email me to talk, I’m here. I don’t know how much I will be able to do, but I will try.
I try not to post so much on here, but rather lend a helping hand as most of you may know. I don’t like discussing my deep down emotions and such. Yes, if some person makes me mad, I will talk about it, but my feelings about depression, or my loneliness or whatever, I try not to talk about. Why? When you’re a guy, you don’t talk about thoes things. That’s what I was taught, at least. Example being, my sister and I both went through abuse. I remember my mum saying, “Don’t talk about your abuse or suicidal thoughts, it will hurt your sister”.
I understood, so to this day, I have never opened up to anyone, not even my therapist about it. I should talk about it I know, but I don’t wanna hurt anyone.
Where I am at, it’s 1:44 am. Often I find myself awake during the night feeling lonely and empty. People say pray and such, and I am I am trying to pray more and give more to the god I know and love, but the loneliness and emptiness is still here.
In my life, relationships have sucked. Between my family not being very close to me, to the bad friendships I’ve had, to the many love rejections, I think it is safe to say I don’t have very functional relationships.
I have a few few friends who I talk to a little bit, but they can’t take all of my problems on themselves. And I understand that.
Today I went on a hike with a friend of mine and his church. It was ok, felt a little better, but still empty. Got home, felt the emptiness even more, then I felt super lonely, just as I do so often. I think I would like someone just to talk to. I mean, yes I get that there are lots of others here with real problems, even now as I write this I feel guilty for taking up space, but just a friend, someone who I can talk to, share problems with, laugh with, is what I wish for.
I hope this is not too much to ask for. For I have not cried myself to sleep in a few months, but I do feel I’ll be heading there soon. And people say I have such a future with college on the way and all that, what’s a future alone? Yeah, there are people who would be sad if I were gone, but I honestly believe that by me leaving, it wouldn’t affect others terribly. For when I voice the little things in my mind, people just say grow up, people have been through more than you, or quit wining.
Thank you for reading,
I don’t know why I write, but I do.
For me, I love people so so so much. Most I would do anything for.
But here is my problem.
I’m generally cool with most guys. With women however, I have been hurt by very much so. My family has hurt me, and girls I’ve wanted to be with have lied to me.
So with women, I think, (no offense meant to anyone), that most are evil.
Either I get way too attached to one, or don’t attach myself at all. Lately I feel as if I’ve been getting too attached and feeling like I have fallen romantically for one, while maybe thinking I’m falling for another. Or I just will not attach myself to any girl.
With guys, it’s cool, I generally get along with them enough.
I feel that I’m hurting people with what I am doing, and I would never intentionally hurt a person, much less, any woman.
I have had issues with my childhood, but nothing like some have gone through. I get that this is a damn small problem, but I’m writing nonetheless.
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