Do you ever wish you could get a terminal disease so you could die without making any painful effort???
Even though my relatives have known for years that I have Major Depression they still behave in abusive ways. Yesterday I was stressed and feeling extreme anxiety. My mother came home yesterday from work screaming and throwing a tantrum. I have to live with her for now because I have a heart condition. I was so upset I was shaking. Later I felt really sick and couldn’t breathe. I thought I might be having a heart attack. She just stood there in the kitchen staring at me like she was waiting for me to die. I had to call 911 myself. It turns out I was having the most intense panic attack of my life. I’m here in the hospital exhausted and sweaty. I am still stunned she was going to stand there and watch me die!
I was first diagnosed with depression in my teens. I was supposed to be medicated but No my parents wouldn’t do that. I left home early to get away from abuse and thought I was running towards love. I was wrong. I tried going to hospitals for help but I had no insurance so it was like I didn’t exist. Years went by and I got worse. Eventually I snapped and tried to kill myself. Recently I found out I have a heart condition and had to go to the hospital. They told me not to work. I applied for Social Security but it’s taking forever. My relatives know all this. I was forced to live with my mother and she’s incredibly rude and nasty. I had to fight with her to finally get medication for my mental health. She has no respect for me and talks to me like I’m garbage. She even expects me to give her my entire paycheck when I have been able to work. It’s like when I was a teenager she screams about money, threatens to kill herself and talks to me like I’m Satan. She could care less if I have anything at all for myself. Her asshole friends post anti gay crap on Facebook and she likes it. She publicly humiliates me to make herself feel good. She just started screaming at me again. I know she never loved my biological father, he had money and she wanted it. She only had children to make damn sure he was financially screwed when she finally left him. I’m severely depressed, have PTSD, a heart condition, and I’m shaking from anxiety right now. What the fuck wrong with a person that knows someone is sick and yet they just abuse them nonstop.
I hate how you have to be easy, confident and convenient for people to like you. If you’re fucked up it’s like you’re made of poison.
I tried to use the Reddit app for the first time last night. I posted some very personal stuff in the Depression and in the LGBT section to see what people would say. The responses were extraordinarily abusive. People blaming me for something someone else did that was out of my control. People telling me to fuck off and get a therapist. I’m actually shaking it was so upsetting. This is why I don’t try to make friends, whenever I reveal anything about my depression to punish me for it. When I deleted my account there was a question of why I was doing this and I said “Your users are poisonous, anyone with severe depression that comes here will end up killing themselves.”
I already know how it’s going to end for me. My life has been a never ending nightmare and it’s getting worse not better. I grew up severely neglected in hellish poverty, my first suicide attempt was in high school, I don’t have actual friends just people that know who I am, my biological relatives hate me because I’m gay, I’ve had every horrible job a person can have even though I went to college, I have a mountain of debt from college, the only man I love won’t have anything to do with me, and in 2010 I snapped and drank a glass of antifreeze. I ended up in the hospital and was put on dialysis. I had to move in with my mother and I’m reminded every day that I’m the family reject. Last March I ended up in the hospital because I had trouble breathing was kept for a week and only recently found out I have Broken Heart Syndrome. I take huge amounts of medication for Major Depression, PTSD, and Agoraphobia. I have to take extra medication for the heart issue. I was told by hospital staff I can’t work for now and even though I applied for Social Security Disability in March, I still haven’t received a dime. Everyone I’m related to is poor and miserable. And just yesterday I found an Academic article about the lethal danger of extreme isolation. My whole life has been isolation. There’s a thing called isolation madness, I think I have had it and will again. I’m so glad that it’s so easy to buy a gun in America, at least I can figure out when I need to call it day so to speak. Why live a life no one would want? I’m just going to get old and end up crazy and alone.
I really do wish that I’d never been born. It hasn’t been worth it. My life is like a super depressing foreign film that has no happy ending. Everyone I’m related to has a go nowhere life. I don’t know why they bother breeding they just add more pointless miserable people to the world. Genetically inferior stupid people shouldn’t be allowed to breed. I can’t believe anyone ever agreed to breed with my biological father, he’s hideous. I hate resembling him in any way. I hate being half Mexican, the men are always so ugly and short. My white relatives are all white trash. I don’t even want to go to the ancestry.com website. I can just imagine the landslide of human garbage I’m related to.
I hate everything about my body. I wish I could afford all the cosmetic surgery necessary to fix it. I wish there was some kind of medical procedure available so I could remove my mind and put it in a body that isn’t hideous. I know I’m genetically inferior because everything about me is horrible. Someone told me once that I look like a certain celebrity, it was not flattering, and after I realized how ugly everyone else thinks I am I wanted to put a gun in my mouth and die.
It never fails to amaze me how incredibly rude and dismissive some doctors and nurses are. Why if someone is struggling with depression would you seek help from someone that talks down to you and treats you like crap? I wonder how many people have killed themselves after going to the wrong doctor or because a nurse acted like a hateful judgemental asshole…
I hate that I have to struggle to find reasons to get out of bed to pretend to be human. I’ve had so many traumatic experiences and have lost someone I love and every day is the same I’m always alone. The thing about suicide is it feels like I should stop wasting my time with a miserable humiliating life that no one would want. I often wonder if I’m genetically inferior because I’ve always gotten sick easily and have had depression since I was 11. I was supposed to die when I was born and I wonder if I’m being punished for still being here. I don’t know how to explain it. Everything in my life hurts like hell.
I don’t know if anyone else has to put up with this but my closest relatives don’t take my Major Depression and PTSD seriously. Even with prescription medication they still act as if it’s no big deal. They act like I’m just being “selfish” and I think it’s partly because they are largely responsible for some of the most awful psychological and physical abuse to begin with. Sometimes I get the impression they’d prefer it if I died.
Had an experience today that reminded me of how horrible people are. I don’t understand why people harbor such intense hatred for the homeless. I don’t get how people could be so selfish to the point they’re willing to screw everyone around them.
What are your thoughts on the afterlife, reincarnation, and dying?
I often times wander online looking up stuff. Recently I have watched the debates that Richard Dawkins, Sam Harris, and Christopher Hitchens have had with religious leaders about atheism. I have also read scientific studies that say love doesn’t exist. All of this makes me wonder why should we even bother with life at all. If you don’t invent something important or create a cure for something it all seems totally pointless. Are we all living in a twisted bullshit fantasy that never has a happy ending? Poverty, homelessness, and abuse are getting worse world wide and with 9 billion people the world is dangerously overpopulated. Even in the latest Avengers movie the villain says “they’re doomed to destroy themselves” and the brilliant hero agrees!!
I can’t do this anymore. There’s no point in living if you don’t feel alive. For as long as I can remember I’ve been fighting depression and struggling with poverty and I just don’t care anymore. I’ve had nothing but horrible, humiliating, miserable life experiences. My biological family is beyond dis functional. I don’t really have friends just acquaintances. The only man I love hates me and wants nothing to do with me. I went to college and still can’t get a decent job. My best friend in college died. I have Major Depression, PTSD, and Agoraphobia. I am physically repulsive and it would take a ton of cosmetic surgery to make me look decent. Everyone treats me like garbage. I am going to be 39 and not one year of my life has been worth living. I’ve tried to be the best friend, boyfriend, student, uncle, etc and it made no difference. No one respects me. After much reading and watching documentaries I am an atheist and it is clear to me that I am genetically inferior and a biological mistake. There is no God or higher power, no heaven or reincarnation. This is it. The best things happen to the worst people. I was recently diagnosed with Broken Heart Syndrome after I experienced heart failure. I have realized if I stop taking the medication I was given then I can hopefully die and get it over with. I can’t continue to live without the only man Iove and I know he will never love me back. His name is Eric Ritz and I failed him. Years of not being medicated for depression made me act like a stupid jackass and I can’t go back in time and fix it. I would get down on my knees and beg for forgiveness but would it do any good? I would give away an entire year of my life just to spend one day with him. I would do anything to share his life and to be able to change my last name to his. I’m just a burden to him and I have nothing. I was supposed to die when I was born and I wish that I had, this life has been nothing but a nightmare.
If life has taught me anything, its how pointless everything is. If you aren’t rich in a capitalist society your life will most likely be a nonstop living hell until the day you die and there will be very little you can do to stop it. Some people brainwash themselves with religion, some use drugs and/or alcohol, others distract themselves by any means necessary telling themselves someday life will be worth it but that day never happens. Most people die deeply disappointed by life, those that live long enough to be elderly usually just give up and wait for death (visit an old folks home its beyond depressing). I’ve tried to kill myself multiple times in my life each time being more severe than the last because contrary than what some people think, its not a cry for attention I’m really trying to die I just haven’t always had a successful means of making it happen. I have to take massive amounts of anti depressants for major depression and ptsd. I don’t know if I will kill myself but I do know this if I get cancer I will let it kill me, if anything happens that may result in my death I will not fight against it. I want this life over with, the earlier it happens the better. There is no point in living if you don’t have anything to live for. I have nothing and no one and I am completely alone and poor so why should I fight for something I just don’t want.